When my wife and I said, “I do” over 20 years ago, neither of us knew very much about marriage. We were certain, however, that dreams, not exit strategies, were our primary ambition for the future. No couple walks down an aisle in the presence of their family and friends thinking about courtrooms, custody battles or dividing assets. Love, family and a lifetime of memories are always the goal.
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Yet, every 50 seconds in the United States, disenchanted spouses file for divorce. Or, to help us appreciate the magnitude of it, that’s around 1,800 per day, 13,000 per week, and nearly 700,000 familial separations each year. What was once rare in our nation has become routine. In 1912, there was one divorce for every 12 marriages. Today, that number hovers around one divorce for every three marriages. Imagine getting on an airplane knowing that one out of every three flights crashes!
Resisting what culture accepts
Believe it or not, our modern normalization of divorce is nothing new.
On one occasion, the Pharisees asked Jesus bluntly, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all (Matt. 19:3)?” In other words, when the ideal person stops being ideal, it’s OK to walk away, right? To make matters worse, religious leaders were abusing Scripture to arrive at their self-serving conclusions.
Thus, in His Sermon on the Mount Jesus pinpoints the specific Old Testament verse that was commonly misinterpreted. Quoting from Deuteronomy 24:1, Jesus reminded his listeners, “It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’” Our Lord later explained that Moses’ provision for divorce, which regulated the practice and protected women, was evidence of hardened hearts rather than a justification for dissolving a marriage (Matt. 19:7–8).
In contrast, the Jewish school of Hillel recklessly justified any minor infraction as grounds for divorce. For them, a man could walk away from his commitment because his wife spoke too loudly, burned dinner or failed to meet expectations. Today, people often point to a lack of compatibility, lost love or nagging frustrations when seeking a divorce. In both instances, the error is magnifying marital conflicts with one another above the promised commitment to one another.
The road to normalizing divorce in America began in 1969 when California became the first state to pass a no-fault divorce law. Other states followed in the 1970s and now, every state in the union has its own legal statute, aiding the disunion of families. Like our ancient Jewish counterparts, we have successfully codified the prioritization of personal comfort over lifelong commitment.
Reclaiming what Scripture teaches
So, what does Jesus do?
He raises the standard to prevent pushback against our relational selfishness. Without mincing words, He insists, “Everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery (Matt. 5:32).” Simply put, unless one spouse commits sexual sin against the other, divorce is not permissible.
Though the Apostle Paul introduces the issue of abandonment by an unbelieving husband or wife, even then a Christian should not initiate the dissolution of a marriage except in cases of sexual immorality (1 Cor. 7:12–15). Even when divorce is permitted, though, it is not prescribed. Reconciliation is always preferable to ending the covenantal union of marriage.
Later, when addressing the issue a second time, Jesus reiterated, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:4–6).
As is always the case, God offers prohibition and boundaries for our good. Unbiblical divorce leads to additional sin, specifically adultery. Remarriage after an unbiblical divorce is an act of infidelity (Matt. 5:32). Even those who have not been previously married commit adultery when they choose to wed those who step outside of Scripture to break their marriage covenant. Just as egregious though, is the painful picture divorce evokes.
Because the husband reflects Christ’s sacrificial love in the home, and since the wife represents the church’s submissive response, to abandon our marriage vows miscommunicates the gospel (Eph. 5:22–33). A husband who forsakes his wife insinuates that Christ’s love is not sacrificial and abiding. Likewise, a wife who steps out on her husband implies that the church is not required to follow her Savior in every instance. Both examples are damaging.
My purpose here is not to condemn anyone who has gone through the pain of a divorce. God can, and will, forgive any sin (1 John 1:9). Divorced Christians are not second-class believers, nor should we carry guilt for what God has already forgiven. But marriage is worth fighting for, even as our culture grows increasingly lax. We must speak biblically and compassionately in order to prevent the future separation of families. Permanent unhappiness in marriage rarely lasts and couples who attend church together are 50% less likely to get divorced. Let’s recommit our marriages to God’s original design — till death do us part!
EDITOR’S NOTE — Adam B. Dooley is pastor of Englewood Baptist Church in Jackson, Tennessee, and author of “Hope When Life Unravels.” Contact him at adooley@ebcjackson.org. For more writings like these, visit adamdooley.org.
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