First person: Being right doesn’t require proving the other person wrong

Years ago, Buster Taylor — previous Shocco Springs executive director — and I were “discussing” some plans for a renovation at Shocco. I was pretty convinced I was right in the conversation where another option was on the table.

A longtime Shocco volunteer, Wilton Whigham, happened to be standing nearby. He knew the project well because he and I had worked together on the plan. So, naturally, I was defending what we had developed. I got a little bent out of shape. Then I kept pressing. And pressing. Honestly, I pressed the point way more than needed.

Looking and watching

Wilton never jumped into the argument. He just quietly stood there in those Liberty overalls and watched.

Liberty overalls with a pencil and pad in the front pocket became part of the image of Wilton at Shocco — walking through a project, looking at what needed to be done, quietly solving problems and usually knowing more about how to fix something than the rest of us in the room.

As I walked away from the conversation with Buster that day, Wilton followed. And in the kind of wisdom perhaps only a retired rocket scientist who had spent a lifetime solving difficult problems could offer, he quietly said: “Russ, being right doesn’t require proving the other person wrong.”

Knowing the difference

That one stuck. Maybe because I knew he was right. Maybe because he had just watched me demonstrate exactly why I needed to hear it. But I also think it stuck because of the man who said it. Wilton had lived enough life to know that being right and having to win are two very different things.

I thought about his words again recently when I read Romans 12:18: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

I have always loved the way Paul phrases that: “So far as it depends on you.” Paul understands we cannot control how every conversation ends. We cannot control how another person sees a situation. We cannot control what they believe happened. We cannot control whether they ever completely understand our point of view. But we can control how we respond.

Romans 12 does not tell us to ignore truth. It does not tell us to avoid difficult conversations or pretend disagreement does not exist. Sometimes truth needs to be spoken clearly. Sometimes something needs to be corrected. Sometimes we need to stand our ground.

But there is a difference between speaking the truth and needing to win. And if I am not careful, I can become so concerned with proving I am right that I miss the much greater opportunity to reflect Christ.

A few verses later Paul writes, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

That is a pretty high standard. Sometimes obedience looks like choosing grace when we could press the point. Sometimes it looks like choosing peace when we could demand the last word. Sometimes it means recognizing that we have explained ourselves clearly enough and nothing good is going to come from explaining it one more time.

The last word

There is something in us that desperately wants that last word. “But they still don’t understand.” “That isn’t what happened.” “If I could just make one more point.” But I have learned that “one more point” is often where peace goes to die.

Letting it go

You can tell the truth. You can stand by what is right. You can make the difficult decision. And then, when you have done what depends on you, you can let it go.

You can even walk away knowing you may still be right without needing the other person to admit that you are right.

Wilton has been gone for several years now, and we recently said goodbye to his wife, Kathy. But their investment in Shocco and me continues. There are buildings still standing because they served. There are ministries still stronger because they served. There are people who encountered the love of Christ because they served.

And there is at least one slightly hardheaded executive director who can still picture a retired rocket scientist in Liberty overalls, pencil and pad in the front pocket, walking beside him and saying, “Russ, being right doesn’t require proving the other person wrong.”

I am still trying to learn it, Mr. Wilton. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18).