Are you aware that a recent study indicates that 70% to 80% of Americans consider their families to be dysfunctional? However, it has been proven that family connections are fundamental to our emotional and psychological well-being. In other words, we need each other.
Several years ago, I invited a dear Christian woman and friend to my home for her 90th birthday celebration. During our conversation, I said, “Your family has always been a role model for me and many others.”
This sweet lady looked down and replied, “Honey, if you only knew!”
Family issues
In talking with numerous friends and acquaintances, I realize that no family is perfect. Regardless of what we may pretend, it seems that all families have some sort of problem. Often, they are hidden or not discussed outside the family. Someone has said, “A dysfunctional family is the new norm.”
Children who grow up in dysfunctional families may have difficulty later in life. These conflicts may surface in relationships, particularly in marriage, with friends and between co-workers.
When children grow up in a dysfunctional family, they may not be aware of what is OK and what is not OK in family relationships. When this happens, they tend to repeat this behavior when they have families of their own.
Many of these negative behaviors continue through generations. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. We can break the cycle.
What does it take?
How can families change and become loving and enjoy being together as a generational clan?
For starters, we need to develop a willingness to change. We should be aware of the problem and learn to set firm boundaries. The Bible is our guide for making a difference in building strong families. Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Nothing new
What does the Bible say about dysfunctional families? We see in the Scriptures that family problems are nothing new. The same problems experienced when the Bible was written continue today. The Book of Genesis is like a modern-day script.
Look at the following stories:
Adam and Eve. This is the first man and woman God created. They could eat from any plants in the garden except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Eve ate and the fruit was good, so she encouraged Adam to do the same. When God asked Adam about eating the fruit, he blamed his wife for his sin (Gen. 3).
Cain and Abel. Cain was the firstborn of Adam and Eve. Because of jealousy, he killed his brother, Abel. Then he lied to the Lord when asked about Abel (Gen. 4).
Abram and Lot. Abram and his nephew, Lot, have acquired flocks, herds and tents. Quarreling arose between the herdsmen of both men. Abram decided that parting company would be best. When overlooking the land that the Lord had given Abram, Abram told Lot to choose the land he wanted. Lot chose the plain of Jordan because it was beautiful and like a garden. Abram was left with the less desirable area of Canaan (Gen. 13).
Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac was the son of Abraham and Sarah. Isaac married Rebekah, and they were the parents of Esau and Jacob. Rebekah and Jacob plotted together to trick Isaac into blessing Jacob instead of Esau, who was the firstborn and would inherit his father’s riches (Gen. 27).
Joseph. This son of Jacob and Rachel was favored by his father but hated by his brothers and sold by them into slavery (Gen. 37).
Traits of people from dysfunctional families
- Have low self-esteem.
- Show little compassion for others.
- Seek approval from others.
- Are intimidated by disagreement.
- Seek friends who are emotionally insecure or have been abused.
- Avoid emotionally healthy and caring individuals.
- Blame others for their own lack of responsibility.
- Have a poor self-concept when caring for themselves.
- Fear rejection or being left alone, which may result in staying in an unpleasant work environment or in a threatening relationship.
- Express feelings of hopelessness.
- Lead lives of few or no boundaries.
- Display a personality of needing to be in control.
- Behave impulsively, not considering the possible consequences of this behavior.
Approaches to dealing with dysfunctional family members
- Ask God for wisdom as you deal with family matters.
- Pray for guidance, strength and courage.
- Become the person you would like your family to be.
- Accept the limitations of others.
- Take responsibility for your own well-being instead of expecting others to give it to you.
- Talk with a Christian counselor.
- Read books written by Christian authors on dysfunctional families.
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