According to the Hartford Institute for Religious Research there are more than 332,000 Protestant churches in the United States.
Assuming those churches have a minister, and most of those are married with a wife and children, there are thousands of families with a husband and father, but no pastor.
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“I’ve been a minister’s wife for over 50 years,” one Baptist minister’s wife said. “Before I was married, I had a wonderful pastor who baptized me and married us. But for the last 50 years, I had a husband but not a pastor. There is a difference. The children had a daddy but grew up without a pastor, also.”
Common problem
It is a common problem among wives and children of ministers that is seldom addressed.
One student at a Baptist university confessed, “Mother raised us. My father was so busy taking care of the church and other families in the community. There was little time left for us.”
Another added, “We were told, whatever happens in the minister’s home stays in the minister’s home.”
Some ministers’ wives have compared their role to “living in a fish bowl,” where the family is scrutinized about how they spend their money or raise their children, because the minister’s family should be “above reproach” and set an example to others.
How to find a mentor for the minister’s family
Bob Agee, former pastor, professor and president of Oklahoma Baptist University, understands the challenges ministers face. He said he is fortunate to have had three older men in his life who served as mentors.
“Perhaps they were the ‘trinity’ in my life to give the real Trinity a break!” Agee quipped. “I was blessed to know them as mentors when I needed to unload. They shared my spiritual growth. I’ve tried to be that kind of mentor to my students.”
Finding someone trustworthy can be difficult, Agee acknowledged, but “pray about it. Ask God for wisdom and guidance in talking with mentors. The Lord places people in our lives — just look for them. Ministers should be open to learning more. Often, they feel the pressure to know more than they should be expected to know. ”
As a professor and college president Agee said he often skipped lunch to play basketball in the gym with young ministers. He developed a program he called “Management by Walking Around,” where he would stop by the baseball field or shoot a few baskets in the gym. Young ministers would talk to him about their problems, Agee recalled, and through the years he has kept up with many of them, married them and become a mentor and trusted person to talk with.
Reaching out
Husbands and wives need a prayer partner — perhaps a pastor and wife of another denomination in the community, or a college or seminary friend.
Like other couples in the congregation, the minister and his wife also may need martial counseling during difficult times.
One Baptist minister met a “brother in Christ” when they started as freshmen at a Baptist university. Becoming best friends, they both married and their families became close. Having children near the same age, they spent time together, and even ended up serving churches near each other. The two were “always there for each other,” one said, noting they discussed problems that surfaced in their individual churches while fishing, hunting or over a cup of coffee.
Their wives also became close friends and prayer partners, knowing anything that was said would never be repeated.
“Our children knew they could come to us as parents, because we started this communication early in their life,” one minister’s wife recalled. “We could talk through any situation. They knew we would listen. And they knew what behavior was expected of them and we let them know.
“Always be available to give encouragement when children need to have a trusted adult listen.”
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