Sharon married George in her early 20s. At first, he was only unkind at times. Later, his behavior became increasingly emotionally abusive. The physical abuse did not start until after their two children were born. By that time, Sharon felt trapped financially and did not see how she could support herself and her children if she did manage to get out.
As the abuse grew worse and she actually became fearful he would kill her, she reported events to the police. Unknown to Sharon, her husband had a good friend on the force. When her husband learned what she had done, the abuse escalated. No one believed this handsome, well-known man would ever abuse his wife. She must be crazy.
To protect herself and her children, Sharon devised an escape plan through an underground network. She had to change her name, move out of state and never contact her family or friends again. That was too high a price to pay. After a year of hiding, she contacted her parents and returned home. Her parents then became her advocates and restraining orders were filed to protect her.
Nearly 4 million women in the United States are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners each year. Ninety-two percent of all domestic violence cases are committed by men against women. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics National Crime Victimization Survey, 30 percent of women murdered in the United States are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.
Furthermore, more than 50 percent of all women will experience violence from an intimate partner. Women are not the only victims in a home where domestic violence occurs. Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30–60 percent of family violence cases that involve families with children. Even if the children are not physically abused, they will suffer emotionally. Abusive behavior is about power, experts say. The abuser often feels inferior or insecure and abuses in order to be in control.
Rather than diminishing the effects, religion often leaves Christian women feeling compelled to stay in abusive relationships. The sense of shame and guilt is actually compounded by some religious teachings.
The Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence reports that “well-meaning pastors, priests and rabbis have often advised women to return to violent homes and be better wives.” As a result, battered women have felt abandoned by the church and by God.
What constitutes domestic violence? Many think of abuse as only physical harm, but there are other forms of abuse. Violence can begin with emotional abuse and move up the continuum to physical assault. In addition, physical abuse tends to escalate, with acts becoming more violent over time. Abuse is rarely a one-time act.
Emotional abuse occurs when the abusers criticize their victims in an attempt to destroy their sense of self-esteem and personal confidence. This causes them to become increasingly dependent on the abusers. The abusers play mind games with the victims, causing them to think they are the ones with the problems or are “going crazy.” Their own sense of what is real is clouded, and they no longer trust their own judgment. When the abuse continues and the abusers start to say they “deserve” the treatment or that they were “asking for it,” they actually believe it.
Economic abuse often goes hand in hand with the abusers forcing isolation on the victims. The victims will be told they do not need to work or return to school. If they do go to work, the abusers will take measures to undermine them, such as showing up at their workplaces, calling their supervisors with wild tales, refusing to drive them or allow them to take the car and demanding that they hand over their paychecks.
The victims are deprived of access to bank accounts and are given allowances that are barely enough to buy sodas or lunches. The abusers’ goal is to make working useless to them because they still suffer financially.
Abusers will isolate victims from friends and family, which deprives them of any financial assistance or emotional support. This makes them completely dependent upon the abusers. The emotional and/or physical abuse may increase in intensity if the victims continue to assert their own will. Domestic violence can follow the victim to work and create a workplace violence incident.
Abusers may become sexually abusive by forcing their victims to engage in sexual acts they feel uncomfortable with or by insisting they dress in provocative ways when they go out in public. Yet, when others look, the victims will be accused of “leading them on” or of having affairs.
Some abusers see the victims as inferior and when married, as property. They have not learned to respect their spouses and to treat them lovingly. Abusers may tell the victims that their bodies belong to them and they have the right to them whenever they want. This is another mind game that keeps victims from reporting the abuse. Some abusers even resort to raping their spouses when they try to withdraw.
The abusers will minimize or even deny the abuses have occurred. They may say things like, “You know I didn’t really mean it,” as though that negates the action. When the abusers feels threatened that their victims may leave them, the abuse escalates. They may threaten by smashing objects in the home, harming a pet, threatening to harm a child or displaying weapons. When abuse occurs, the abuser may say that if the victim leaves him, he’ll kill the victim or himself.
Even well-educated and intelligent people can be gradually broken down through this process of abuse. The victims of abuse want to believe their abusers will stop and that things will improve. Many return to the abuser and participate in the abuse cycle of tension building, conflict and abuse, apology and promises, then back to tension building. During the apology phase, victims may be lavished with gifts and treated like queens. But this treatment won’t last.
Some cases are so severe that the victims are not safe after leaving the home. The abusers will stalk and terrorize victims as long as they know where to find the victims.
If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, there are shelters in most communities. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). In the Birmingham area, one can call the Crisis Center at 205-323-7777 or the Family Violence Center at 205-322-HURT (4878).
(TAB)
Share with others: