Listening important in helping others accept crisis situation

“Don’t just do something, stand there,” said Alan Swindall, licensed marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Counseling in Alabaster, about helping those grieving over the recent terrorist attacks.
   
“It is important to listen,” he explained. “There will be plenty of time to talk later.”
   
In fact, Swindall noted, grief or the depression that comes with grief may not come immediately. “It may be weeks before it kicks in,” he said. “Pay attention to people in your community. Don’t let them isolate.”
    
C.W. Brister, licensed professional counselor and retired professor of pastoral ministry at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas, agreed listening is an important first step when someone is grieving. “Let them tell you what he or she has experienced,” he said.
   
If the person asks why this happened, “it is wrong to say God wanted all of this to happen, that we are a sinful nation and He brought this on us,” Brister said. “That does not comfort people.”
   
Instead of attempting to answer the “why” question, Brister suggests saying, “We are all entering into a new mystery, and God is going to have to take us by the hand and lead us through it. I’m also here to help you and hold your hand.”
   
After all, Brister said, those asking “Why?” are not looking for information but are expressing outrage. “They are terrified and will ask different questions. This [type of tragedy] takes grief and terror to a different level,” he said, noting especially the matter of not being able to say goodbye and of possibly not having a body to bury.
   
“If you lose a person over five years to cancer, you say goodbye over a long period of time,” he explained. “But instant death is a big vacuum. You keep waiting for them to come through the door. There is no goodbye.”
   
Brister and Swindall said the initial reaction will be shock, numbness and disbelief.
   
“Our first emotion is denial — “tell me this is not happening,” Brister said. “Our temptation is to hate, to seek revenge on the perpetrators. (But) Christians are called to live between belief in Jesus’ ethical teachings and the requirements of international law.”
   
After disbelief, or denial, the person will experience anger, Swindall said. “When we get angry, it is a powerful emotion. It helps us feel strong,” he noted.
   
Brister encourages those helping another grieve to be able to accept a person’s anger, along with the tears.
   
But Swindall cautions those who are grieving not to beat up on themselves or others too much. “An animal caught in a trap will chew his limb off to get out,” Swindall said. “Be careful not to chew on ourselves or innocent people to relieve ourselves.”
   
Following anger comes a search for “the foundation of our faith, so that we can rebuild,” Swindall said. “Part of grieving is having to let go of the way things were.” 
   
Brister said rebuilding requires adaptation. “They are adapting to a new existence. It is not an immediate adjustment,” he said. “They will not adjust easily, but they will adapt.
   
“In death, (those who lost a loved one) adapt and grow scar tissue around what has happened,” Brister said.
   
Both counselors agree that grieving over this particular tragedy will take a long time.
“Billions of people have been affected,” Brister said. “Grief will be national and localized in the area. The losses and grief are not only family members.
   
“Our world will never be the same. There is a tear in the fabric of trust in human existence,” he said. “The loss of freedom has been stifled.
   
“This takes anxiety to a different level,” he said, noting anxiety sits uneasy in the human spirit. It is free-floating, while fear takes an object. “Many Americans are frozen in fear.”
   
Still, Brister said Christians are not to give up hope.
   
“Jesus did not say, ‘I’ve explained the world,’ but ‘I’ve overcome the world,’” Brister said, noting Psalm 46. “He is with us,  and we will get through it.”