Grief is a journey that becomes more difficult during the holidays. Because the holidays are a time of family traditions and togetherness, the loss of a loved one is in many ways felt more keenly than at other times. Those in mourning may also be caught between their need to grieve and the well-meaning, but misguided, urgings of family members and friends to "get over it" and join in the spirit of the season.
But according to noted grief specialist Alan Wolfelt, the holidays are a good time to honor those who have passed on. "Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies," he said.
Wolfelt said the journey of grief takes different amounts of time for different people and only the griever should set the pace. He blames the current hurry-up-and-grieve atmosphere in North American culture.
"We’re one of the few cultures that even asks, ‘How long does grief last?’" Wolfelt said. "Americans think death is optional."
Wolfelt, founder and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colo., and author of more than 20 books on grief, has spent the past 30 years helping people cope with loss.
Wolfelt said to effectively grieve, one may first have to overcome some misconceptions, including:
– The thought that grief and mourning are the same. They are not. Grief is inner thoughts and feelings. Mourning is a public or social response to loss.
– The misconception that grief and mourning progress in predictable, orderly stages. "Just as people die in different ways, people mourn in different ways," Wolfelt said.
– Feeling you should move away from grief, not toward it. Wolfelt disagreed, explaining, "The only way through pain is to encounter it."
– The attitude that shedding tears of grief is a sign of weakness. Actually the capacity to shed tears indicates the mourner’s willingness to do "the work of mourning" and release internal tension, Wolfelt said.
– Thinking that being upset and spending time mourning means you are weak in your faith. But it is normal to search for meaning and question the loss of a loved one, he said. "The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside yourself but inside yourself as well."
– The misconception that one should not think of the person who died on holidays, anniversaries or birthdays. Death, however, does not end a relationship, Wolfelt explained. The relationship simply shifts from presence to memory.
– Thinking the goal is to "get over" your grief as soon as possible. A more realistic goal is reconciliation, when the mourner comes to acknowledge the loss and can begin to move forward, he said.
– Feeling that nobody can help with your grief. But there are people who can help. One of the biggest needs of a mourner is to develop a support system of caring friends and relatives who will allow the mourner to mourn, Wolfelt said.
– The misconception that when grief and mourning are reconciled, they never come up. But mourning never really ends, he said.
Wolfelt also said the mourner must acknowledge the pain that comes with loss. Otherwise the pain can manifest itself in depression, anxiety, relationship problems or addictive behaviors. "Pay attention to your grief or mourning in a way that values, cherishes and holds the relationship dear," he said. "To suppress grief is to condemn yourself to a living death."
Wolfelt said a troubling trend in America is minimizing the funeral experience, which is an important first step in the grieving process. "[W]e are rapidly losing an understanding of death symbols," he said. "But a funeral is the hello on the pathway to goodbye."
Wolfelt also advised mourners to familiarize themselves with the terrain of the grief journey and understand that it will be puzzling. At times, Wolfelt said, the mourner will experience waves of sadness that seem overwhelming. Mourners may also suffer symptoms that lead them to believe they are losing their sanity, such as time distortions or mystical experiences involving the deceased. It is important to see those experiences for what they are — normal manifestations of grief.
"No one will grieve in exactly the same say," he said. "Don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last."
Factors that will affect the grieving process include the nature of the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased, the circumstances of the death and the griever’s personality, support system and spiritual background. Wolfelt also noted that the unique personality of the person who died or what that person brought to our lives affects grief.
Openly expressing thoughts and feelings about the person who has died is an essential part of the grieving process, he said. In that regard, he has identified six "touchstones" that can help grievers understand grief and move forward:
1. Acknowledge the reality of death.
2. Embrace the pain of loss.
3. Remember the person who died. During the holidays, incorporate memories of the loved one into family gatherings.
4. Develop a new self-identity. Wolfelt said the death of a loved one is akin to the loss of a mirror, causing the mourner to experience "identity diffusion."
5. Search for meaning. "Too many people get their search for meaning inhibited," Wolfelt said.
6. Seek ongoing support, now and always. "You’re going to have ‘griefbursts’ the rest of your life," he warned.
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