When seminary students are asked, "Why do you want to be in the ministry?," many respond, "To keep people from hurting."
Although their hearts are in the right place, the response is off the mark, said Alan Wolfelt, founder and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colo. "It should be ‘To help people who already are hurting,’" he said.
A nationally renowned educator and author, Wolfelt acknowledged the enormity of that task. "Few helping situations are more challenging — or more rewarding — than the opportunity to assist people impacted by loss in their lives," he said. Clergy can make a positive difference in how family members deal with grief down the road, Wolfelt noted.
One of his chief concerns regarding bereavement is a trend of deritualization in American society. Wolfelt said in some areas, funerals are becoming a thing of the past, denying survivors the opportunity to properly mourn. He recommended providing information, education and guidance as to the importance of public mourning to families considering foregoing a funeral or visitation. "We’ve forgotten that this is a heart- and soul-based journey," he said. "Too many people are trying to rationally think through loss."
Wolfelt noted that grief can also occur during divorce or when someone loses external connections such as their home or possessions. Developmental transitions such as middle age, retirement or entering an assisted-living or nursing home facility also cause grief. "Life is a series of griefs and losses. But there is a big difference between death and divorce. Never group losses," he said.
Wolfelt also drew a distinction between treating and companioning. The word "treat," he said, is derived from a Latin word meaning "to drag." On the other hand, the word "companion" when broken down to its Latin roots means "a friend or equal." In companioning those who have suffered loss, clergy members should cast themselves in the role of supportive observer, letting grievers take the lead, Wolfelt said.
Ron Grizzle, pastor of Riverchase Baptist Church, Birmingham, in Shelby Baptist Association, attended Wolfelt’s program for clergy sponsored by Community Grief Support Service in Birmingham in March.
"He reminded me of the basic things I had learned in seminary and presented new ideas about caring for families who are grieving," Grizzle said. "He also brought to our attention ways people are dealing with grief over things we hadn’t thought about before — like the loss of a home or the loss of a pet. It was good to be reminded of those things."
Tenets of Companioning
– Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain, not about taking away the pain.
– Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion, not about imposing order and logic.
– Companioning is about being still, not about frantic movement forward.
– Companioning is about honoring the spirit, not about focusing on the intellect.
– Companioning is about learning from others, not about teaching them.
Share with others: