When Jen Thompson looks at family pictures, the memories are still painful. Her parents divorced when she was 14, and along with the sense of loss came a crisis of faith.
“My father was emotionally just barren — just not available,” she said. “So I came across as thinking that my father was just impossible to please. And that definitely carried over into my relationship with God — that I felt God was just very judgmental. God was just waiting for me to slip up and make a mistake, and that I was, in God’s eyes, unforgivable and unlovable.”
It’s a surprisingly common experience. A recent national survey of adults who were children when their parents divorced found the separation had a major impact on their spiritual lives. They were much less likely to go to church or call themselves religious than those adults whose parents stayed married.
“One extraordinary finding in our study was that of those grown children of divorce who were active in a church at the time of their parents’ divorce, two-thirds say that no one in the clergy or congregation reached out to them at that time,” said Elizabeth Marquardt, the author of “Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce,” a study of children and divorce.
Her study found that adults often feel the church abandoned them as children when their parents were divorcing and that their pastors were no better than anyone else in helping them cope with the experience.
“At the time of divorce,” Marquardt said, “people are reluctant to reach out to the children because they don’t know what to say; they don’t want to offend the parents. They’re afraid they might upset the child, so they don’t reach out.”
Jeff Williams, vice president of business and relationship development for the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries, was 10 when his parents divorced. He said no one seemed to notice the cataclysm that was taking place in his life. “I know now they didn’t know what to say,” he said. “But it’s like you have had a leg blown off or you’ve had a wound and it’s terrible and nobody sees it.”
Marquardt said some children of divorce become more religious after their parents’ breakup, but they do so in a different way. More than 40 percent of those adult children of divorce who are members of a faith community describe themselves as born again. Marquardt theorizes that they are drawn to the theology found in evangelical churches, “where you have a more direct personal relationship with God as Father through the Son, Jesus Christ.”
“For instance, they’re much more likely to agree that God became the loving father or parent (they) never had in real life,” she said. “So they are turning to God and the faith for something they didn’t have in their own lives. And in the midst of that healing, in the midst of finding wholeness, there’s also a very poignant story of loss.”
Williams agreed. “I’m interested in looking at … what I can do for Him — appreciating life, even being thankful for the experiences,” he said. “The compassion born of sorrow has allowed me to feel deeply and minister deeply to the children of divorce and parents who are going through divorce.”
Barney Self, LeaderCare counselor for pastoral ministries with LifeWay Christian Resources and licensed marriage and family therapist, said www.christianbook.com has a good selection of resources for families going through divorce.
He suggested books such as “Single, Married, Separated, and Life After Divorce” by Myles Munroe and others.
Self said these books can serve as good resources, but he also stressed the importance of connecting with a therapist who can help the family through the difficult time and point out the options after divorce.
If going to a therapist does not work out, then Self suggested looking into divorce recovery programs offered by churches. While some churches offer recovery sessions, he said others aren’t so willing to serve as a “safe place” for individuals going through a divorce.
He urges churches to keep the inclusion of God at the core of everything so as not to “throw stones” at a fellow Christian during such a difficult time.
Making the effort to better understand and demonstrate grace can help direct the family to stay focused on God in every aspect of its life.
Twenty years after her parents’ marriage dissolved, Thompson — now recently divorced herself — said she is still working on her image of God.
“I have had to ask God to make Himself real to me and (I) say, ‘I need You to clear this up for me. I’m having trouble seeing You as a loving Father.’”
Resources for those going through divorce
Counseling/support groups:
- Alabama Baptist Children’s Homes & Family Ministries www.abchome.org, 1-888-720-8805
- Celebrate Recovery www.celebraterecovery-se.com
Web sites:
- www.christianbook.com
- www.lifeway.com, click the 24-Hour Counselor link on the left side
Books:
- “A Woman’s Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce” Rose Sweet
- “Moving Forward: A Devotional Guide to Finding Hope and Peace in the Midst of Divorce” Jim Smoke
- “Your Kids and Divorce: Helping Them Grow Beyond the Hurt” Thomas Whiteman
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