Sexual addiction starts at a young age,” said Adam Calvert, a certified sexual addiction therapist and licensed professional counselor at Wellspring Christian Clinic in Birmingham.
Curiosity is being fostered in children and they feel as if sexuality not something that can be discussed in the home, he said. So they are finding information in unhealthy places.
“They look online to answer questions they’re having or to feed the curiosity, and they are getting hooked on pornography, which then distorts sexual development in general,” said Calvert, a member of Westwood Baptist Church, Alabaster, in Shelby Baptist Association.
“In most of the men I see, their sexual addiction didn’t just start. They have been [struggling] with this since they were little, but it was never dealt with.”
According to the Internet Filter Software Learning Center on www.toptenreviews.com, the average age of first Internet exposure to pornography is 11 years old.
And because the child is not going to bring it up most of the time, parents must initiate the conversation, Calvert said.
“Sitting down and talking to kids about these issues takes away the shame part — as long as you are doing it in a nonshameful and nonguilt-ridden way,” he said.
When talking to a child, Calvert suggested:
- Be available.
- Don’t over-talk.
- Follow his or her lead.
- Instead of asking questions, make a statement such as “Tell me about …,” “Explain to me …” or “Help me understand your thoughts on … .”
- Be educated and know the answers to his or her questions.
- Set rules and stick to them.
- Develop a family plan for how and where the computer is to be used.
But parents aren’t the only ones who need to be educated about sexual addiction.
“Pastors and ministers of the Church have got to be educated on what sexual addiction is and how pornography affects (people) and how it’s getting in,” Calvert said.
That’s so they can help equip parents, said Tait Windham, youth pastor of First Baptist Church, Butler, in Choctaw Baptist Association.
After discovering that some of his students are struggling with lust and pornography, Windham has opted to hold monthly meetings with parents to discuss teen culture “because they need to know.”
“It’s a real problem and I’m afraid that parents and a lot of youth pastors have fooled themselves into believing it’s not,” he said of sexual addiction.
Calvert said a major reason parents do not know what their children are looking at on the Internet is that parents are “computer illiterate.”
A survey of 600 households conducted by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children found that 20 percent of parents do not know any of their children’s Internet passwords, instant messaging nicknames or e-mail addresses.
“Our kids are very smart and know how to [operate] these things,” Calvert said. “Parents are naïve or are in denial or don’t know what to do so they don’t do anything.”
Both Calvert and Windham said parents and church leaders are the ones to set the example for children even when it comes to dealing with sexual addiction.
“It’s that practice-what-you-preach thing,” Windham said. “They are looking at their leaders and parents for examples to follow so that’s vital.
“You’ve got to remain transparent,” he said.
For more information or help, call Calvert at 205-977-3003.
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Resources for parents of teens with sexual addictions, pressures
- Focus on the Family
www.FocusOntheFamily.com - National Coalition for the Protection of Children & Families
www.nationalcoalition.org - “Help, My Son Is Hooked on Internet Porn!”
http://web1.lifetimetv.com/reallife/relation/features/netporn.html - “In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior” by Patrick Carnes, David L. Delmonico and Elizabeth Griffin
- “How to Talk to Your Kids About Sexuality” by David L. Scherrer and Linda M. Klepacki
- “Help! Someone I Know Has a Problem With Porn” by Jim Vigorito
- “A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex” by Dr. Kevin Leman and Kathy Flores Bell
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