For many grandparents, the decision to parent their grandchildren comes from a concern not only for their physical welfare but also for their spiritual welfare.
That was true for Charlotte Smith, who with her husband began parenting their grandson full time when he was 11 years old. After the boy’s father died, Smith’s husband began taking their grandson to breakfast each morning. Then the boy began staying with his grandparents on Saturday nights so he could go to church on Sundays.
As he got older, his visits got longer and eventually their home in central Alabama became his.
“We always wanted him to do well in school and to be well adjusted, and we wanted him to be in church,” Charlotte Smith said. “We believe God put him with us, and we considered it such a blessing to have him with us.”
LaVon Carr of Alexandria has also experienced the joy of seeing the grandchildren she parents come to know Jesus. For the past five years, she and her husband, Alan, have been full-time parents to four of their grandchildren.
Though she hates that they have had to suffer because of their parents’ bad decisions, Carr said she and her husband have enjoyed having the children in their home.
“They love to sing and I get to hear them pray at night,” Carr said. “All four have been saved since they’ve been in our home, and they have been a blessing to us.”
Rodney Gardner, minister of education at the Carrs’ church, Westwood Baptist, Alexandria, in Calhoun Baptist Association, said the Carrs have been a blessing to their church family as well. The family’s example highlights how the church can be supportive of its members as they face life’s challenges.
“We love each other and we care for each other,” Gardner said. “And when there’s a need, we do whatever we can to help, whether that is to provide love, support or financial assistance.”
Alison Couch, data analyst for the Alabama Cooperative Extension System at Alabama A&M University in Normal and state program coordinator for the Relatives as Parents Program (RAPP), said that grandparents who are parenting again need the support of others and churches are the logical place for that support system to start.
She said that because many grandparents may be embarrassed to find themselves in this situation, they are hesitant to seek help but “when a pastor or staff member is aware of the situation and can approach that person and offer support, it is a tremendous help.”
As coordinator of RAPP, Couch would like to see more churches host support and information groups. She said RAPP can help churches begin groups and offers a curriculum to help guide discussions on issues such as discipline, healthy eating, legal issues and community resources.
Anniston attorney Debra Jones saw how these groups can help when she worked with students from Jacksonville State University to develop a curriculum and start a support group.
The group met at Jones’ church, Parker Memorial Baptist, Anniston, in Calhoun Association. The biblically based curriculum tackled both spiritual and practical concerns. One session included an overview of community resources, and another dealt with drug awareness and recognizing the signs of drug abuse. The group discussed video games and the Internet and taught members how to set parental controls on the computer.
“There is a big generation gap between the grandparents and their grandchildren,” Jones said. “Technology has advanced so much, and a lot of them have no idea what’s available on the Internet.”
The group also addressed the bitterness that grandparents often feel toward their children for allowing these situations to happen.
“When grandparents are raising their grandchildren, they are often angry and disappointed with their own children who aren’t doing what they are supposed to do,” Jones said.
“They may tell the child, ‘We can’t afford these tennis shoes because your parent isn’t paying child support.’ And they don’t realize how these comments alienate the child and hurt his self-esteem.”
The grandparents are sometimes disappointed in themselves as well.
“They say, ‘I raised my child right. Where did I go wrong?’” Jones said. “So we talk about … the fact that individuals are responsible for their own choices.”
She said it was the members’ frank conversations about their fears, frustrations and hopes that made the group beneficial.
The spiritual support offered by support groups is also critical, said Sharon Webster, who lives in north Alabama and is raising her 10-year-old grandson.
“If it wasn’t for my belief in God and knowing that’s where my strength comes from, I couldn’t do it,” she said. “I know there are a lot of prayers going up for us, and I hope and pray that my efforts will help him have a brighter future.”
For more information on attending or beginning a RAPP support group, contact Couch at 256-372-4584 or couchal@auburn.edu.
Editor’s Note — Some names have been changed to protect the privacy of the children.
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