When Jane Roberson’s father was in his early 80s, she and her brother had to have “the talk” with him — they had to tell him that he could no longer drive.
The signs were obvious, said Roberson, a member of Dawson Memorial Baptist Church, Birmingham, in Birmingham Baptist Association. “He drove too fast and once he ran into a ditch while driving on a straightaway. We also knew his reaction time was not what it had been,” she said.
Like many other adult children of aging parents, Roberson and her brother faced a very difficult situation. They wanted to allow their father his independence, yet they did not believe he should be driving. “We were concerned about his safety as well as the safety of others,” she said. “He was apt to have an accident and not only risk injury to himself but injure someone else.”
Martha Earnhardt, public information analyst for the Alabama Department of Public Safety, said often family members are the first to notice the signs that a person should not be driving — signs that the driver himself might miss. A family member or trusted friend can also help a driver determine whether there is cause for alarm.
“If you question your awareness as a driver, then that’s when a family member or trusted friend can help,” Earnhardt said.
When confronted by his children, Roberson’s father experienced the most common fear among older adults — the loss of independence. “My father really wasn’t driving that much because we had a young lady … who drove him most places,” Roberson said. “He could still go where he wanted to go, but he wasn’t happy to not be able to drive himself.”
Charles Dye, a deacon at Dawson Memorial Baptist, said he felt good about his mother’s driving until she was 88 years old. He grew concerned when his mother started questioning her decision-making, and he knew her lack of confidence would show in her driving. Dye’s mother was especially concerned about not having her driver’s license. So Dye promised her that he would help her get her license renewed and would not take her car away if she would promise not to drive. “As long as she had her driver’s license and her car, she was OK,” Dye said. “She didn’t feel threatened, and she was able to accept not driving.”
A good support system of family members and friends can help lessen some of the frustration and fear in cases like these, said Vonceil Sanders, interim director of senior programs and services for Baptist Health System.
“When the support system is in place, the person can be reassured they will be helped with transportation, and they feel better about their future without driving,” Sanders said.
Individuals within this support network should make sure the person gets to appointments, either by providing transportation or arranging for public-transportation services. Another important task is to make sure the nondriver gets enough social opportunities.
To keep the decision to stop driving from being so sudden, Sanders said adult children should discuss the possibility of having to stop driving with their parents ahead of time. Both the parents and the children can discuss specific conditions and warning signs that would necessitate this decision, which can help the parent prepare for the day he can no longer drive, Sanders said.
“A recent traffic ticket, an accident or physical impairment may be warning signs for the older adult to reassess his or her ability to continue driving safely,” she added.
“Children or friends can begin by trying to get an objective idea of their parent’s driving ability, but they must be sensitive in how they approach the issue,” Sanders said. For some drivers, an evaluation of their driving may indicate they need to stop driving completely. Others may need to limit their driving. And drivers of any age, she said, can benefit from a refresher course on driver’s safety.
Praying about the decision is critical, Dye said. “I prayed a lot about my mother’s driving situation,” he said. “I don’t think I can make a good decision about anything without asking God to give me wisdom about it.”
Dye, who is 70, prays about his own driving as well. “I pray that I’ll know when it is my time to stop driving, too,” he said.
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