Leaving your teenager’s spiritual growth solely to your church’s youth program is dangerous, says Scott Heath — and he’s a youth minister.
“The mentality for a number of years was ‘Drop your kids off [at the youth program] and we’ll make them what they need to be,” said Heath, minister of students at Shades Mountain Baptist Church, Vestavia Hills. “That doesn’t work for a lot of reasons.”
He said youth ministers don’t have the time, training and experience to shoulder the full load of helping teens grow spiritually.
But Heath and others who minister to teenagers say there’s an even bigger reason. “At its very root, it doesn’t work because it’s not biblical,” said Bob Bunn, who has ministered to teens for about 25 years and is currently the editor of LifeWay Christian Resources’ Living With Teenagers magazine.
Bunn and others point to Deuteronomy 6, in which Moses instructed the Israelites to follow God’s commands and said, “You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise” (Deut. 6:7).
It’s a call for parents to take the main role in encouraging their children to grow in the Lord, Bunn said.
Heath agreed.
“The church was put there to come alongside the family, not to replace the family,” he said.
Teenagers face significant challenges to their spiritual growth. Bunn said teens face the temptation to live one way at church and an entirely different way during the week. Heath identified challenges in busy schedules and the distractions of a media-saturated world, which he said can hinder spiritual growth just like more visible moral pitfalls. “We’ve got a lot of kids who don’t drink, smoke or have sex as teens but are still battling busyness and distraction, and it’s having the same effect in a lot of ways as if they were out living a wild life,” he said. “I think the bottom line is it still causes distance from God.”
Bunn said research has shown that parents can have a significant amount of influence in shaping their teenager’s values. “Parents have the opportunity to do that if they embrace that role, their God-given responsibility to do that,” he said.
For parents who want to take an active role in helping their teenagers grow closer to Christ, Bunn said they must pay attention to their own spiritual lives.
“If parents want their children to grow spiritually, they have to make sure they are nurturing their own spiritual lives … so they can escape the trap of hypocrisy, because kids will turn you off in a minute if they think you’re a hypocrite, not practicing what you preach,” he said.
Heath recommends parents have regular devotions and prayer with their teens and look for chances in daily life to talk about the Lord. Bunn also encourages parents to watch for casual moments when spiritual topics can come up.
“My son and I have had some great conversations in the car just during those casual moments,” he said. “I wasn’t lecturing him spiritually. … We were just talking about life and stuff. God can use those times, and if a parent is wise and observant, a parent can pick up those moments, run with them and plant some seeds that can grow.”
Kyle Wiltshire, an associate in the Alabama Baptist State Board of Missions’ office of collegiate and student ministries, said parents also should make sure their teenagers know how important they are to them.
“Your child has to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are more important to you than your work, your hobbies or your activities,” he said. “The only two things that come before them are the Lord and your spouse. This doesn’t mean that they rule the roost. It means that they get your best and not your leftovers.”
Bunn and Heath said another key aspect is for parents to partner with the youth ministries at their churches to ensure they are working together to move teens closer to the Lord.
“I think what [parents] can do is make themselves aware of what their kids are learning, familiarize themselves with it and engage their child in discussion,” said Heath, who also suggested parents find places to serve in the youth ministry. But even with all the best methods and most careful attention, parenting can still be messy, said Bunn, who has learned that lesson himself.
“You have to stick with it,” he said. “There are times you can celebrate little victories, and there are times you’re going to cry. You can be the greatest Christian influence you can be as a parent, and you’re still going to have distressing times and painful times. That’s just how it goes in life sometimes. The fact that it’s messy doesn’t mean it’s not worth fighting for.”
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