Midlife particularly can test a marriage relationship, counselors say. Grief over the death of a parent or even a child, dreams not realized and opportunities missed can cause one or both partners to question their purpose in life.
In a society that puts increasing value on the worth and fulfillment of the individual, a dangerous dilemma can emerge: How do I find “me” without giving up “us”?
Gail and Steve Brookshire of Dallas work hard to find the balance.
“Steve helps me to be an individual while we’re being a couple,” Gail said of her husband of 19 years. “He’s made it a priority for me to be able to advance professionally and personally. He helps me to have time by myself to go on retreat or pray. He helps me to have the time away to rejuvenate. Most spouses might not even feel that they could be away.”
Yet, Gail added, their marriage also has been strengthened by what they do together — especially learning and laughing.
“We love to learn together — art galleries, poetry, stuff that’s totally different from what our backgrounds are,” said Gail, a genetics counselor. “We haven’t ever gotten to the place where we’re at a dead end. It keeps it fun.”
“We laugh together,” she continued. “We reflect on where we’ve come from — our families. Nothing’s so sacred that we can’t laugh about [it].”
But Gail and Steve have an advantage over some couples.
“We have a common Christian faith that we share that matters a lot between us,” she said. “It’s not true always as a bond for relationships to share. It has reoriented everything, including how we spend our money and our time.”
The Brookshires are committed to working on “the rough spots” in their personalities, which requires a lot of trust, Gail said. “We have an environment where it feels safe with each other.”
“Folks go in and out of relationships like changing socks, and they don’t want to do the work that it takes. You have to be ready to do the work.”
Predicting when marital conflict might hit is difficult. But counselors agree there are points along the way that stress relationships in particular. Some of them come surprisingly early, while others arrive later.
For couples with adult children, a period that hits about two or three years after the nest empties can be tricky.
Suddenly, the couple is alone with each other. If they haven’t been staying in touch along the way, it is treacherous to suddenly have to become reacquainted.
This person who only resembles your original marriage partner is now your only roommate.
Vulnerability to frustration and romantic affairs springs from unresolved issues in the relationship.
In the bestseller “The Bridges of Madison County,” author Robert James Waller writes about a woman dealing with the disappointments of her rural Iowa farm life. Along the way, she and her husband have fallen into sloppy communication and very low maintenance of their romance.
With her husband and children gone for a few days, she engages in a brief affair with a National Geographic photographer, portrayed in the movie version by Clint Eastwood. Her new lover offers her the chance to leave it all behind and travel the world with him. But she chooses to stay, keeping until her death the secret of her torrid affair.
Counselor Robert Herron said “the romantic mirage of Madison County” poses problems for couples in all stages of life, but particularly those at midlife. “Frequently, it is the marriage that is judged defective, rather than the mirage,” he said.
If couples are to grow as persons and in their marriage, Herron said, partners have to give up the simplistic, magical notions and replace them with maturing, grounded love and commitment.
If you haven’t made it to Madison County yet, “be happy about it,” Herron said. “In the real world, which is the only world we have, we don’t have to love perfectly at midlife. Love is not a four-day extravaganza. It’s a lifelong process of learning.”
(ABP)
Share with others: