They could be simple or complex choices — go to Mexico with a friend from high school, eat that extra slice of cake, attend this college, run that marathon, kiss that boy, become physically intimate with one girl and then later with another girl. Regardless of the subject matter, decisions made in younger years can affect the rest of an individual’s life, according to a recent study titled, “Before ‘I Do:’ What Do Premarital Experiences Have To Do With Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults?”
The study found that among the 1,000 unmarried Americans surveyed who were in a relationship, 418 of those individuals got married over the course of five years. Since marriage involves leaving other options behind, more experience in dating could make it harder for some individuals to do well in marriage, according to the study.
And individuals with more relationship experience also are more experienced with breaking up and may develop a more jaundiced view of love and relationships.
The study, a part of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, found that a “norm in our society” is the relationship sequence of “sex, cohabitation and sometimes children preceding marriage.”
Larry Daniels, a licensed professional counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Professional Counseling, agreed with some of the findings in the study.
“It’s like algebra — we build our lives off of what we’ve done before,” Daniels said. Quoting Christian psychiatrist Curt Thompson, he said, “What we pay attention to we remember and what we remember we expect more of in the future.”
Hard to shake guilt, shame
“With a checkered past that is bringing guilt and shame, it’s hard to rid oneself of that,” Daniels said. “I relate (life decisions today) to algebra because if I have a math test tomorrow and I don’t pay attention to math today but instead go and play tennis, come tomorrow I’m not going to remember the math and I’m not going to get a good grade.”
Along those same lines, a major finding in the study challenges the “Vegas Fallacy” or the idea that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
“Actually what people do before marriage appears to matter,” the study states. “Specifically how they conduct their romantic lives before they tie the knot is linked to their odds of having happy marriages.”
According to some research, about 90 percent of Americans have sex before marriage, many having sex with multiple partners before marrying, which according to the National Marriage Project study, can be “risky if you’re looking for a high-quality marriage.”
“In general, couples who wait to have sex in their relationship report higher levels of marital quality.”
Daniels agreed, noting that many younger people see “friends with benefits” as the norm.
“The mindset of today’s youth is that decisions made now don’t matter later but the research goes against that.”
For those who want to avoid becoming intimate before marriage, Daniels offered two tips: “Make that decision in advance that you’re not going to get into a physical relationship before marriage. You don’t want to wait until you’re falling for someone and you’re alone in a car or alone on the sofa and you’re thinking, ‘How far do I want to go?’ Also discuss your hope for the future about not engaging in physical intimacy before marriage with anyone that you’re getting serious with.”
The Bible speaks about the bond formed between a husband and wife in several passages including Genesis 2:18–24, Mark 10:7 and 1 Corinthians 6:16, defining the bride and groom as becoming “one flesh” through physical intimacy.
“Whenever two people know each other at that level, they know each other in a way that’s unique and special,” Daniels said. “The Bible got it right. … Two becoming one is the sexual union but it’s also the mental, emotional and spiritual part. … So if you’ve known someone at that level prior to marriage it can bring in shame and guilt and memories of those prior experiences to your marriage. Not that those things cannot be forgiven or you cannot move on from them, you’re just adding more risk to your marriage’s level of happiness.”
In the sample of Americans surveyed by the National Marriage Project, only 23 percent of individuals who got married over the course of the study were sexually active only with the person they married. Most respondents were physically intimate with five partners before marriage.
The men and women in the minority 23 percent reported higher marital quality than those who had been physically intimate with others prior to marriage.
Daniels said, “When it comes to happiness, a lot has to do with … feeling like they’re not giving all of themselves to their spouse. You may say in public, ‘I’ll get over it,’ but sometimes no matter what we say out in the open, in the privacy of a counseling session I hear a lot about loss and pain.”
Daniels said one main way to overcome that guilt and shame is to “realize God has forgiven you.”
“If we confess our sins, God will forgive us and if He can forgive us, who are we to hold on to that guilt ourselves?
“I find that most people’s lives are ruptured or broken in a relationship, but it’s often through healthy relationships that God brings healing. A nurturing healthy relationship with a counselor, pastor, brother, sister, parent or spouse can be a conduit of God’s cleansing power.”
Unhealthy lifestyle patterns
The study also found that cohabitating before marriage leads to a lack of commitment and unhealthy relationship skills, as well as “financial distress, health risks, substance abuse and increased health insurance,” Daniels said. “Cohabitation is setting yourself up for higher risk for more unhealthy lifestyle patterns.”
According to the study, more experience in relationships could also lead to the mindset that there is always an alternative partner available.
“A strong sense of alternatives is believed to make it harder to maintain commitment to, and satisfaction with, what one already has,” the study states.
Resources to share with those thinking about cohabitation or physical intimacy before marriage
Book
- “The Ring Makes All the Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and the Strong Benefits of Marriage” by Glenn Stanton
Websites
- Focus on the Family: The Bible on Pre-Marital Sex and Sexual Morality at family.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/26204
- Focus on the Family: Why Wait for Sex? at www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/preparing-for-marriage/why-wait-for-sex
- Faith and Family package by The Alabama Baptist: Cohabitation at www.thealabamabaptist.org/print-edition-article-detail.php?id_art=28494
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