Children need parents to be strong role models

When Christopher was 8, his father, an alcoholic and drug addict, abandoned his wife and their five children. Neither Christopher nor his siblings ever got financial or emotional support from their father. Christopher’s mother raised them alone.

When Christopher married, he found himself in a completely different family environment. His father-in-law was extremely involved in the lives of his children, investing vast amounts of time, energy and financial resources in them.

“Because I never had a father, this man became my role model,” Christopher said. “I observed him carefully — how he listened, how he responded, how he made himself constantly available to his family. Through him, I learned what it meant to be a father, and now my own children benefit because my father-in-law was an excellent role model for me.”

Christopher’s story demonstrates the reality that a positive role model has long-term influence and can empower a person to overcome a multitude of challenges. All parents have the grand opportunity and privilege to provide their children with positive examples of how to live in socially beneficial ways.

It is the parent — not an athlete, actor, politician or other celebrity — who holds the most influence over a child’s life. This is recognized in the Bible, where parents are commanded to shape their childrens’ emotional and spiritual lives: “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deut. 6:6–7).

Here are 10 ways to be your child’s role model:

1. Live an exemplary life. If you want your children to exhibit patience, be a patient person yourself. If you want your children to exhibit kindness, be a kind person. And if you want your children to exhibit honesty, be scrupulously honest yourself.
2. Help children go against the grain. Do this by clearly and consistently stressing the virtues found in Scripture. “Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness” (1 Tim. 6:11). These values are often counter to our culture but are desperately needed.

Teaching children to go against the grain when they are young helps them develop inner strength.

3. If you’re a father, model respect for women; if you’re a mother, model respect for men. One of the best things parents can do for their children is to show love and respect toward each other. Some ways to do that include:

• Treating each other as important and equal partners
• Being interested in what the other thinks and feels
• Seeking one another’s opinions on all issues rather than making arbitrary decisions
• Always responding to each other with kindness and consideration
• Sharing household responsibilities
• Acknowledging and admiring each other’s accomplishments
• Routinely practicing common courtesies such as saying “thank you,” “please” and “you’re welcome”
• Paying attention to each other rather than always focusing only on the children
• Showing each other affection through hugs, hand-holding or a kiss to say “hello” or “goodbye”

4. Be loyal to those not present. In some families, members are not loyal to one another. When family members discover they are the object of gossip, they will feel violated, betrayed, misunderstood, criticized and unfairly accused. Such family disloyalty violates the biblical instruction for parents — “Do not exasperate your children” (Eph. 6:4) and “Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). A good rule to abide by is always talk about other family members as if they were present.
5. Show children that the family is your first priority. The family must be the main event and not the sideshow.

“I certainly made my share of mistakes as a father,” said psychologist and author James Dobson. “Like millions of other men of my era, I often had a tough time balancing the pressure of my profession with the needs of my family.”

When his book “Dare to Discipline” became the best-seller, Dobson was inundated with thousands of letters with requests for advice and invitations to speak. At the time, he was a full-time professor at a medical school.
“There was no mechanism to handle this sudden notoriety,” he said. “I remember flying to New York one Thursday night, doing 17 television shows and press interviews in three days and returning to work on Monday morning. It was nothing short of overwhelming.” In spite of the incessant demands for his time, Dobson consciously decided to put his family first. He resigned from his university job, quit accepting speaking requests, refused to do book tours and began a radio program, which required no travel.

“The closeness that we enjoy (as a family) today can be traced to that decision to make time for them when they needed me most,” Dobson said. “I could easily have made the greatest mistake of my life at that time.”

6. Promote accountability. “One of the best ways to teach accountability is for you to become accountable to your own children,” Kevin Leman wrote in his book “Keeping Your Family Strong in a World Gone Wrong.” “Give them the freedom to tell you when they believe you are doing something wrong, unfair or unloving.”

The simplest way to do this is to clearly tell your child, “If you ever see me doing something you feel is wrong, unkind or selfish, I want you to tell me.” While that requires much parental confidence and courage, it will also keep parents accountable, as children will feel free to say, “You weren’t very nice to the clerk,” “You were rude to my friend” or “You embarrassed me in front of my companions.”

7. Be active in your church. Show your children that spiritual life and health are important. Attend services regularly. Never be the parent who simply drops the children off at Sunday School or youth group. Be there. Be involved. Participate in some of the many midweek activities offered at church — Bible study, service projects, choir or committee leadership.

Your active involvement in church is one way of fulfilling this biblical injunction: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Prov. 22:6).

8. Verbally share your values with your children. Identify them and tell the children why they are important to you.
9. Model effective conflict resolution. Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, an authority on parenting topics, gives that advice.

“Constant conflict ruins relationships and tears families apart,” she explains in her book “Raising Confident Boys.” “Children are deeply scarred by conflict. Family conflict lies behind much teenage despair that finds expression in depression and suicide.”

Show genuine interest

When conflicts arise, be certain to gather information by listening carefully and respectfully to all sides. Avoid interrupting someone who is speaking except for the purpose of clarification. Never raise your voice.
“Resolving conflict safely and satisfactorily takes emotional maturity and skill,” Hartley-Brewer said. “Children have to learn these attributes from adults.”

10. Be genuinely interested in your child’s school. Avoid complaining about teachers or school administrators even if you feel unhappy. Be present whenever your child is taking part in a school event. Let children know you are supportive of their teachers, the administrators and the goals of the school by attending parent-teacher conferences and any other educational meetings that affect your family. That commitment lets children know you value their education and the people who are involved in it.