By Stephanie Harrison, LPC
Pathways Professional Counseling
On day six of creation, Scripture records God creating the first family: Adam and Eve. They were created in His image for perfect fellowship with Him and with each other. Unfortunately, with the first sin came the devastation and death of separation from God, and with it, conflict (Gen. 3:11–12).
Throughout the Bible, conflict abounds in families, among friends and even in the early Church. Abraham, Joseph, David, Paul and even the 12 apostles in the presence of Jesus Himself all experienced conflict. Even today, from politics to the pew, bedrooms to boardrooms, conflict is inevitable because sin abounds.
According to Ken Sande in his book, “The Peacemaker,” conflict can be defined as “a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s goals or desires.” He proposes the four primary causes of conflict are:
1) misunderstandings resulting from poor communication.
2) differences in values, goals, gifts, callings, priorities, expectations, interests or opinions.
3) competition over limited resources.
4) sinful attitudes and habits.
Conflict doesn’t have to mean catastrophe in our relationships, however.
In an article titled “Differences Between Destructive and Constructive Conflict,” business writer Colette Meehan defines constructive conflict as “conflict in which benefits exceed the cost. It generates productive, mutually beneficial, shared decisions … and the process becomes as important as the end result. Individuals come together to redefine or strengthen their relationship for the greater good of the parties involved.”
The upside? Conflict can actually be helpful if handled constructively.
There are two main approaches we can take when conflict arises. The first approach is probably the more “natural way.” That path typically is defensive and focused on “I.” We ask, “What do I want?” or “What do I think about this?” We start explaining why we did what we did, shifting the blame to someone else or defending why our solution is the “best” solution. We refuse to hear what the other person is expressing or experiencing, thinking instead of our next comeback or point.
Usually this path leads to one or both parties seeking to win the argument, parties withdrawing from the relationship or people agreeing to something they don’t support just to avoid conflict at any cost. This path, while probably more “natural,” is not helpful. The outcomes include loss of unity, lack of intimacy or closeness with the other party, power struggles, lack of joy and rifts in relationships.
Choosing your response path
The second approach is one of being nondefensive, open and willing to learn about the other person, our Maker and ourselves. The focus here is on “us” and God. Taking this path is a conscious, willful, deliberate choice.
When approaching conflict from this view, we are open to hearing what the other person is experiencing. We are willing to accept personal responsibility for any hurt we have caused and are open to a solution that might not be our first choice. We can ask ourselves, “What can I learn about this person, about God or about myself in this situation?”
On the path of learning, we choose to allow the other person’s point of view and their experiences to have an impact on us.
In a fallen world, disagreements or differences of opinion are going to happen. We are not always going to see a problem or the solution to a problem in the same light as someone else. We have different brains, different personalities, different ways of problem solving and different life experiences, all of which affect the way we approach a situation or problem.
When conflict arises it is helpful to remember our God is a creative God. Just look at the different seasons and the variety of animals and plants in creation.
Additionally, the person we have a conflict with also is part of God’s creative work. Some of us are more logical or efficient in our way of thinking. Others are more emotional or relational. In His perfect completeness, God is all of the above — logical, efficient, emotional and relational. No one trait is better than another. Each is simply different.
To help illustrate the validity of different perspectives, think about a Rubik’s Cube. If you had never seen one before and a person asked, “What color is a Rubik’s Cube?” you might answer “red” because that is the side facing you and the only side you can see.
The person standing opposite you would say “orange” because that is what they see. In reality, each person is right and wrong at the same time. Each is right because the answer reflects their perspective. They are accurately stating what they see. However, each person’s perspective and experience is limited because they are seeing only one side of a six-sided puzzle.
Living in reality
Life is full of puzzles that are multi-sided. Applying this analogy to conflict, we can recognize we are possibly not seeing all sides of the situation. We also become open to seeing what others might be seeing and experiencing from their point of view.
Jesus is called the Prince of Peace (Isa. 9:6). We are instructed in Scripture to “let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 2:5). What is the mind of Christ? The mind of Christ is about dying to yourself. It is giving up what you want and what you think you are owed in order to glorify God in action and deed.
Christ gave up everything, humbling Himself to become a man and dying on a cross to save us. He gave us the gift of righteousness that we did not deserve. As believers, we are called to do the same for one another for His glory.
For more information, visit www.pathwaysprofessional.org or call 1-866-991-6864.
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