Before a divorce, churchgoers in troubled marriages look a lot like their happily married counterparts at church — participating, serving and leading at similar rates.
After a divorce, the differences can be stark. Twenty percent have dropped out of church entirely. In many cases, their children have stopped participating too. A third give less to the church than they did before. Their churches report leadership voids and fractured relationships.
Yet pastors may have difficulty helping couples save their marriages, because churchgoers on the brink of separation often keep quiet at church about their marital woes.
Those are among the findings of new research by Nashville-based LifeWay Research. The study, sponsored by Focus on the Family, surveyed Protestant pastors, churchgoing Americans in healthy marriages, and churchgoing Americans who divorced in the past five years.
The research points to a problem with church culture, said Scott McConnell, LifeWay Research vice president. If couples are unwilling to discuss marital struggles at church, they don’t get the help they need.
Many couples also may not realize help is available. While most pastors say their churches offer counseling referrals and other marriage aids, fewer churchgoers agree.
“Either pastors are overstating what they’re doing or not everybody is noticing what their church is doing,” McConnell said. “There are clearly gaps in communication when people don’t even know help exists.”
No obvious clues
Divorce is a widespread issue for Protestant churches. Forty percent of pastors say at least one couple in their church separated or divorced in the past year.
Yet among regular churchgoers — those who attend once a month or more — church involvement offers few clues to distinguish troubled marriages from healthy ones. Three months before their separation, 7 in 10 regular churchgoers who divorce are attending church once a week or more. For those in healthy marriages, the rate is 87 percent.
The two groups also report similar levels of involvement in small groups at church (46 percent for those who divorce versus 41 percent for those in healthy marriages), serving in community ministries (34 percent vs. 31 percent), and positions of responsibility at church (39 percent vs. 45 percent).
“Many of the people who end up divorcing are average churchgoers,” McConnell said. “You’re not always going to see it coming.”
He noted one exception — regular churchgoers whose spouses do not attend.
Eighteen percent of those who divorced say their former spouses never attended church three months before their separation. In contrast, just 2 percent of those in healthy marriages say their spouse never attends.
“It is courageous and often uncomfortable for a married individual to attend church alone, but it is also an indicator they’re going two different directions in their lives,” McConnell said.
After divorce, 8 in 10 still look like average churchgoers. They may switch churches, but they’re as involved as ever.
Twenty percent, though, no longer attend church — and the loss among their children is even higher. Among those with children who attended church before the separation, 35 percent say at least one child no longer attends.
Nearly half of those who divorce (47 percent) leave the church they attended before their separation. Rarely will both members of a couple remain at the same church after a divorce (10 percent), McConnell said. He suggested helping spouses find new places to worship so they don’t step away from church entirely.
A third of those who divorce (32 percent) say they give less to their local church than they gave before their separation. More than a quarter of this group stops giving at all.
Pastors say the repercussions of divorce affect others as well. Thirty-one percent say divorce has fractured other relationships in the church, and 16 percent say it created leadership voids. About 1 in 10 say divorce has hurt the church’s reputation (11 percent), halted its momentum (10 percent), or disbanded an adult small group or Sunday school class (9 percent).
Not seen as a safe place
Greg Smalley, vice president of Focus on the Family, said, “The vast majority of churches do not have an effective marriage ministry. In fact, most pastors are so busy doing other things, they often don’t consider the negative impact failed and mediocre marriages have on the mission of their church.
“The church should be the No. 1 distribution center for healthy marriages because of its unique role. Eighty percent of marriages began in church, giving the church a unique opportunity to build a relationship with couples that can last throughout their marriage.”
Nearly 8 in 10 churchgoers — and 94 percent of pastors — say their church is a safe place to talk about marital difficulties.
Experience, however, tells a different story. Among those who divorced, only 48 percent discussed their marriage problems with the lead pastor. Even fewer talked to anyone else, such as another staff member (13 percent) or a member of a small group or Sunday school class (11 percent).
Thirty-one percent told no one — a troubling sign of church culture, McConnell said.
“If churches are dogmatic and not realistic about relationships, then those who have trouble in their marriage are never going to tell anybody,” he said. “That’s a wake-up call to the church.”
Pastors say their churches offer a wide range of marriage support services, including resources such as books and videos (77 percent) and referrals to professional counseling outside the church (75 percent).
Many churchgoers, however, seem unaware of the services. Just 38 percent of those in healthy marriages and 21 percent of those who divorced believe their church offers books and videos about marriage. Thirty percent of those in healthy marriages and 23 percent of those who divorced think their church refers people to outside counselors.
Churches can be more effective by being more proactive, McConnell said. He pointed out that two-thirds of pastors say their church has no lay leader responsible for marriage ministry, and 43 percent have no written plan.
“As much as churches already do things to help with marriage, there is still a huge opportunity to do more and to do it better,” he said. “I think the typical pastor would check the box and say, ‘We’re already doing this.’ And yet when we look deeper, there’s so much more that could be done.”
Deeper involvement by churches is critically important, Smalley said.
“While the impact is not always immediate and obvious, nothing can negatively affect a church’s ministry and mission, and thwart future health, more than hurting marriages and divorce.”
(LifeWay)
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Let’s Get Real: Transforming the Culture of Silence in the Church
By Traylor Lovvorn
Special to The Alabama Baptist
The recent LifeWay Research report on divorce sends a loud and profound statement that there is a damaging culture of silence prevalent in far too many churches. This silence, as the research indicates, is having a negative impact on marriages, but also on the overall health of the church as a whole. So now that this problem has been identified, how do ministry leaders go about transforming the culture so that the healing promised in James 5:16 becomes the norm and not the exception?
Saved by faith, sanctified by sweat
The culture of silence in today’s church is a result of believing some form of the lie that “God loves us when we do good and He is disappointed when we do bad.”
No matter what an individual says they believe, the practical theology of the majority in the pew is that we are saved by faith and God’s unmerited favor, but then our sanctification and ongoing Christian life is one of good choices and godly behavior in order to demonstrate to God how thankful we are for the gift of salvation.
In this environment, the measuring stick of how well we are performing is a constant comparison of ourselves to other believers.
As a result, we cover up weakness and imperfection with a mask of strength and competence and show up in our Sunday best for worship striving to convince everyone around us that we have it all together.
Deep down, however, we know it is a charade. We look around at others on an average Sunday morning and compare our worst with everyone else’s highlight reel and the enemy — the accuser — asks mockingly, “Why can’t you be like them? You’re a fraud.”
And we go home and simply try harder to make next week different.
Strength to be weak
The hope and help that many find in various recovery communities starts with the fact that everyone in attendance has admitted their problem and, as a result, can connect authentically with others around that particular issue. Unfortunately in many churches the opposite is often true.
Rather than the church being a place where broken sinners authentically connect with and effectively minister to one another, most of our time and energy is spent covering up or otherwise denying that we have any problems at all.
If we are going to transform the culture of silence within the church, we must intentionally work to create a culture where it is OK to not be OK.
Consider the apostle Paul’s attitude toward his own weaknesses in his second letter to the Church at Corinth:
“If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness” (2 Cor. 11:30).
“On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses” (2 Cor. 12:5).
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Cor. 12:9).
Do our churches encourage boasting in weakness or impressing with strength?
The Law sets a high standard — perfection — and it’s purpose is to help us and those within our congregation see and fully understand our desperate need for Christ and His amazing grace.
But if our churches are simply touting the standards of the Law without pointing individuals to the finished work of Christ, we are often guilty of turning prodigals into rule-following elder brothers who are proud of their self-effort and willpower.
In this culture, healing community is impossible because we become so busy striving and comparing our strengths instead of being honest and vulnerable about what is really going on.
Some questions to ask:
•How does my church address present-tense sin in a believer’s life? Do we only address sin in the past tense as if it was only real before we became a Christian?
•Is my church a safe place for individuals to talk about weaknesses?
•As a minister, do I lead from a place of weakness or give the impression that I never struggle?
Editor’s Note — For more information about Traylor Lovvorn or this topic, visit undoneredone.com.
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9 Ways to Help Friends or Family Members Who Are Struggling in their Marriage
- Pray for them by name. Ask God to intervene in their marriage.
- Listen. Listening doesn’t mean simply hearing. It involves empathizing and seeking to understand.
- Don’t give advice. Your main job is listening. Leave the advice giving to a pastor, counselor or mentor.
- Don’t make the problem worse. Don’t allow your support to be seen as an encouragement to give up or get a divorce.
- Help them think outside the divorce box. Focus on the Family bookletssuch as “When Your Marriage Needs Help,” “Should I Get a Divorce” and “Marriage and Conflict” can give couples both research and practical advice to help them consider the facts about divorce and how to get the help they need for their marriage. (Your church or denominational office also may be able to recommend resources.)
- Help them find the right help. Locate a good, licensed Christian counselor in their area. (Alabama Baptist Children’s Homes & Family Ministries’ Pathways Professional Counseling is one option — www.pathwaysprofessional.orgor 1-866-991-6864.)
- Connect them with a mentor couple.
- Refer them to helpful websites like pureintimacy.org and focusonthefamily.com.
- Encourage them to work on their problems and not simply expect them to be solved on their own.
Source: focusonthefamily.com
Indications that a marriage needs help
•Concern from family and friends
•Altered behavior of the couple’s children
•Physical abuse by either spouse
•Substance abuse by either spouse
•Extramarital affairs
•Withdrawal by either spouse and from normal activities
•Destructive patterns with either spouse expecting new results
Source: focusonthefamily.com
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