While Valentine’s Day singles out couples, many take the opportunity to be a valentine to a special friend or family member.
And the best way to show that valentine love and appreciation is to discover how they receive love, according to Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages.”
Some receive love through an encouraging word or time spent with them. Others see love through gifts or acts of kindness, while others simply need a hug or pat on the back.
Betty Scharf, a member of Green Valley Baptist Church, Birmingham, and a part-time premarital counselor, said Chapman’s book is a good tool for singles as well as couples. “Love is not just within a marriage,” she said. “When you understand the other person, you can better relate to the other person.”
Although the book is aimed primarily at married couples, Chapman stressed that the lessons can be used with anyone, from other family relationships to interacting with co-workers.
“Jesus’ model and teachings on love, when applied to marital and family relationships, create an atmosphere where people reach their greatest potential for God and good in the world,” Chapman said at the recent National Christian Women’s Convention in Birmingham. “Keep in mind that these can be used with friendships and dating relationships too.”
Every person has an “emotional love tank” that needs to be filled. For each person, one of the five love languages is the primary way that tank is filled. The five love languages Chapman has discovered are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
Words of affirmation are words of encouragement and appreciation. These include compliments, saying thank you or encouragement to try something new.
Quality time, according to Chapman, is “sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention.”
Other ways of spending quality time are to enjoy an activity together, having quality conversation where thoughts and feelings are shared and anything else where full attention is given to the other person.
Gifts are visual symbols of love. The price of the gift itself does not matter; it is valued because it means someone was thought about.
One of the most powerful gifts, Chapman said, is the gift of self.
“At the heart of love is the spirit of giving,” he said. “Being there when [someone] needs you speaks loudly.”
Actions of service, when done with a positive spirit, show a person love because time, energy and planning went into the project. Actions can include doing housework, helping with children, working on a project with someone or providing a service they need.
Researchers have long known that physical touch between parents and children is crucial to the child’s development. Children who are held and hugged develop healthier emotional lives than those who are not.
Touch between adults is a major way to communicate love. Whether a friendly hug or a couple’s kiss, touch lets others know they are appreciated.
Chapman said learning the love languages of peers can lead to more effective communication. Knowing how to express appreciation can make the other person more open to ideas and cooperation.
Married couples can learn more about love by attending the Alabama Baptist State Board of Missions’ Marriage Enrichment Retreat at Shocco Springs March 14–15.
Led by Tim Childers, pastor of First Baptist Church, Mableton, Ga., and his wife, Debbie, the seminar is for any married couple, not just those having trouble.
Childers said he has used Chapman’s ideas in premarital counseling, but unless couples put Jesus first in their lives, something will still be missing.
“Love Jesus first, and He’ll love your spouse through you,” he advised. “That’s the perfect love we all search for.”
Titled “Marriage on the Rock,” the retreat will focus on the issues marriages face and ways to have a Christ-centered marriage by loving Jesus first.
While Childers does not promise miracles, he does promise some surprises in the seminar’s content. “Don’t come expecting to hear what you have always heard about the Christ-centered life and marriage.”
For information about the retreat contact Eileen Wright in the State Board of Missions’ office of discipleship/family ministries at 1-800-264-1225, Ext. 221.
To make reservations to attend, call Shocco at 1-800-280-1105. There is no time limit on reservations, but space is limited.
Celebrating freedom and independence — that is what some members of the singles club do with their Valentine’s Days.
Instead of moping about the house wishing they were tied down to a “significant other,” they throw parties for singles only, eat that anchovy and onion pizza with extra garlic sauce or walk around with a mud mask on and curlers in their hair.
Whichever way they choose to celebrate, one thing’s for certain: They do what they want, when they want.
A member of Northport Baptist Church who wished to remain anonymous said he and his friends had a “Lonely Hearts Club.”
He was single, two of his friends had recently broken up with their girlfriends and the other one’s relationship with his girlfriend was not going very well.
So the guys ordered pizza and played spades and video games. Far from being a pity party, they had a good time being guys only.
“For that night, we decided we were gonna just hang out,” he said. “It was fun.”
Girls too can have their own “Lonely Hearts Club.” For once, they can watch those mushy “chick flicks” that so many guys can’t stand.
Some timeless favorites that can be found in the classics section of most movie stores include “Casablanca,” “The Quiet Man,” “Intermezzo” and “Sabrina.”
For more recent movies, try “Romeo and Juliet,” “Sleepless in Seattle,” “Nine to Five,” “Far and Away” and “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.”
For those who don’t like movies, hold a pamper party. Have manicures, pedicures, facials or makeovers and serve healthy, tasty food such as fruit smoothies or a vegetable tray.
Inexpensive manicure and pedicure kits can be found at beauty stores, and making the outside pretty is likely to chase away any down feelings about the day.
If someone is feeling especially daring, experiment with semipermanent hair colors. The new color and new look may be just the thing to jump-start a new outlook on life.
But singles don’t have to stay in on Valentine’s Day or spend it with members of the same sex.
Samford senior Kathryn Dietrich said she and her friends went out to eat pizza last year.
“We wanted to go someplace that wasn’t too ‘couple-y,’ so we went to a family-style pizza place,” she said. “It’s fun to go out and celebrate with the people you love whether you’re dating them or not.”
Although that time was spent in mixed company, the First Baptist Church, Tuscaloosa, member said spending time with the girls can be more fun, as they are more willing to laugh and joke about the lack of valentines.
She also recommends letting those whom you love and appreciate know it. “No matter how old you are, send valentines.”
Shea Lowery of Red Bay added that doing something for someone else has a tendency to cheer you up as well.
“We as singles see so many people getting flowers or cards,” said Lowery, a member of First Baptist Church, Red Bay.
“Find someone who may not get anything and send them a card or do something to reach out to them.”
Lowery suggested taking someone out to eat or giving them a phone call to remind them that someone cares about them.
Valentine’s Day is also a good day to spend time with a family member or friend. It lets them know how special they are and the influence they can have on someone’s life.
Spending the day alone can also be beneficial. Lowery said some of her best times with God have been while single.
“The wonderful thing when you’re single is the relationship you can have with God,” she said. “The best valentine’s gift you can have is God.”
For as long as I can remember, my father has been my valentine. He has never failed to make it known that he loved me before I drew my first breath. And whether I am single or dating, I know I will always have at least one valentine in my life.
When my sister and I lived at home, on Valentine’s Day there were always two cards, picked out and signed by him, letting us know how special we were to him.
The cards still appear even though I have moved, only now they appear in a mailbox instead of by a breakfast plate.
What those cards and gifts have taught me is that I am loved, no matter my current dating status. They have helped ease the pain of breakups and Valentine’s Days spent alone.
They taught me that Valentine’s Day is a day to express your love to all those whom you love, whether a spouse, a family member or a friend.
Above all, they have been a wonderful expression of the love God has for each of His children, continuous and unconditional.
I encourage parents to show this love to their children. Especially if they are in high school and a Valentine’s Day alone has them down, it can make their day easier.
Some other ideas to make the day fun for teens are:
•Do not tease them about their “love life.”
•Offer to chaperone a party for them and their friends.
•Organize a party for the church youth group
•Throw a party for the church’s senior adults, hosted by the youth.
•Plan with them to give a valentine treat to cheer up someone else.
•Be understanding and available for them to talk.
•Let them wait to talk until they are ready.
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