Couples planning weddings have many choices and they don’t always involve matters such as flowers, catering, photography, etc.
Today’s bride can have a medieval wedding, an Apache wedding, a destination wedding – even a Disney wedding. But what about the couple who want a Christian wedding?
Having a wedding in a church doesn’t make it a Christian wedding. Nor does having the ceremony in a garden or wedding chapel mean it isn’t a Christian wedding.
Jack Bailey, pastor of Danville Baptist Church in Morgan County, has performed many wedding ceremonies since he entered the pastorate. He believes three conditions are necessary to make a wedding Christian – making reference to Christ, using Scripture and praying in Jesus’ name.
“It’s important to invite Christ into the ceremony and into the marriage,” he said.
Some of the distinguishing factors in Christians’ wedding vows include lines such as “We are gathered in the sight of God,” and “Marriage is an honorable estate created and instituted by God, signifying unto us the mystical union which also exists between Christ and the church.”
Vows can vary from minister to minister.
“I put some things together to use in wedding ceremonies,” Bailey said. “The vows I use are very typical. I always use the pledge from Ruth: ‘Whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge, thy people shall be my people, and thy God, my God.’”
Bailey said he doesn’t insist on using his own ceremony, but must approve vows brought in by the couple.
“I’m looking for the concept of ‘Till death do us part.’”
Emphasize the commitment
Wedding consultant Kimberley Pate said she agrees with Bailey on the need for couples to emphasize the commitment they’re entering into.
“Christian couples use unity candles, and lots are adding communion to the ceremony,” she said. “These are more worshipful things that couples can do to emphasize two becoming one. They are making a covenant – a life commitment.”
Some vows include charges to the bride and groom, and often invoke scripture such as I Corinthians 13, known as the love chapter. Other weddings include sermons.
Bailey said he recently conducted a wedding where the couple requested a short sermon outlining the plan of salvation.
He said other Christian weddings have featured blessings by the fathers of the bride and groom, congregational hymns and music focusing on the bride and groom’s relationship with God.
Pate said her wedding was designed to share her faith and that of her new husband.
“We took communion and used ‘Written in Red’ as the music,” she said. “I knew at least one of the guests was not born again and if it helped her see the importance of marriage, it was worth it.”
Although Bailey has conducted services in some unusual places, he is more selective about how and where he agrees to perform weddings now.
“I like to do weddings in church or homes,” he said, noting he also likes garden weddings.
Some things about weddings are predictable and never seem to change – mothers cry and fathers beam from ear to ear, while nervous brides worry about everything going as planned.
Customs and traditions have changed
But other wedding customs and traditions have changed over the years.
“People have gotten so far from tradition,” said Kimberly Pate, owner of A Day to Remember, a bridal consulting business in Decatur. “They just put in what they like.
“Some brides are very etiquette and tradition-oriented, but many are not,” Pate said.
Sarah Morris, owner of The Something Blue Shoppe in Hartselle, said dress styles have changed.
“We see a lot of dresses now with no sleeves or strapless,” Morris said. “I sell very few long-sleeved, high-necked dresses.
“There is not as much lace or embellishments, such as pearls,” Morris adds. The fabrics now tend to be rich and beautiful. With the pearls and lace left off, the fabric takes center stage.”
Although most brides still prefer the traditional white or candlelight dress, Morris said the colors of the attendants’ dresses are very different.
“Ten years ago, we saw lots of jewel tones,” she said. “Now, we have softer variations of those colors. For example, instead of hunter green, brides are choosing sage.”
Morris notes that not all wearing apparel has changed. “They all still like headpieces and veils, and every bride wants a garter.”
The good news is that the average price of a wedding dress has come down. The bad news is that mothers are spending more for their dresses.
Other aspects of traditional weddings also show that times are changing. While brides still tend to favor church or home weddings, no location seems out of bounds for a ceremony.
Jack Bailey, pastor of Danville Baptist Church in Morgan County, said he was once asked to perform a ceremony on a fire truck in a fire hall. More appropriate venues that are growing in popularity are wedding chapels and bed-and-breakfasts.
Pate also said receptions are moving off-site more frequently. The setup of the reception has changed very little. Music also changes slowly, although she pointed out that music choices have always been very personal.
She said flowers have gone from elaborate to very simple, often a single stem or spray with a ribbon.
While some couples write their own vows, Pate said there is enough variety that most can find something that suits them.
So who pays for all of the finery and other costs of a wedding? Pate said it is not always the parents of the bride anymore.
One thing never changes, at least for Pate. “The bride is still the boss,” she said. “It’s her wedding.”
Premarriage counseling sessions
With so many marriages in the United States ending in divorce, more and more couples are seeking counsel before marriage. Often these premarriage counseling sessions are required by churches or ministers before a ceremony will be held.
“(The purpose of premarriage counseling) is not so much as lecture as it is to facilitate discussion among the couple,” said Neal Schooley, minister of pastoral care at Dawson Memorial Baptist Church, Homewood.
Schooley, who performs the majority of Dawson’s premarriage counseling, said counseling provides an opportunity for couples to examine and reflect on their decision with a third person skilled in counseling.
Another positive result Christian premarriage counseling offers is it gives couples time to pause and reflect on what’s happening in their lives and relationship.
In counseling, Schooley uses an instrument called “Prepare.”
“This enables the couple to discover relationship strengths and areas of growth,” Schooley said. “Sometimes they find out their relationship is stronger than they thought it was.”
Schooley, one of seven ministers on staff at Dawson trained in “Prepare,” counsels between 25 and 30 couples each year. The first session is a test that allows the couple to reflect on the relationship.
Depending on the feedback of the couple, three to five sessions are held to discuss the results. The final session is spent planning the wedding ceremony.
Other churches handle counseling differently.
“I encourage folks to meet with me several times before their wedding if I’m going to perform the ceremony,” said Steve Rodgers, pastor of Baldwin Baptist, Cullman.
Some counseling sessions focus more on the wedding ceremony, while others focus on the upcoming marriage. But the idea is to meet with a counselor, discuss relevant issues and discover some truths before the ceremony takes place.
Christian marriages have a high divorce rate
Despite the fact Christians supposedly live by higher standards, some statistics indicate Christian marriages have a divorce rate as high – if not higher – than non-Christian unions.
Fighting that trend requires commitment in an age where traditional values continue to be shunned.
“Christian marriages and marriage in general is under attack today,” said Dan Spencer, associate pastor of Ridgecrest Baptist Church, Dothan. “Our secular, post-Christian society does not encourage fidelity.
“The media undermines God’s design for marriage,” he added. “I believe the devil does not want any Christian marriage to succeed.”
However, Spencer isn’t sure divorce statistics are as bad as some reports indicate. He said outreach ministry to divorced individuals may skew the numbers for Christian divorce, compared with couples where both mates were active in church before marriage.
But Spencer does see serious issues affecting many young couples today.
“I have seen more marriages ruined by selfishness than any other problem,” Spencer said.
He said communication is critical in a marriage.
“You have to discuss your problems when you’re married,” he said.
Many problems can be stopped before they start, Christian counselors contend. Many churches offer intensive premarital counseling to help couples discuss issues like money, children and long-term career goals.
Some churches also offer Christian personality classes that help couples understand each other’s motivations, strengths and weaknesses, and the best ways to relate to them.
Sam Brassell, pastor of Southside Baptist Church, Dothan, said marriage is one of the most critical times for a couple to entrench themselves in faith. Unfortunately, some newlyweds choose this time to vacation from church.
“I feel like they use a lot of excuses,” Brassell said. “They say, ‘We’re so busy,’ ‘We need time together.’ It’s a lack of dedication or commitment to Jesus Christ.”
He said couples may also use travel as an excuse to be out of church. “Before you know it, it develops into a habit.”
Both Spencer and Brassell recommend setting aside daily time for personal and joint devotionals. They also suggest attending church services and a young couples’ Sunday School class every week.
“If both husband and wife are growing closer in Jesus, then they are headed for the same destination, the same goal,” Spencer said. “This brings them closer to each other.
“Many of the problems in a Christian marriage are rooted in problems regarding Lordship of Jesus Christ in the life of one or both of the mates,” spencer added.
He said Christian couples often overlook the best marriage counseling book ever written – the Bible.
“Our society doesn’t encourage fidelity, and it does nothing to affirm the God-given biblical roles for husbands and wives,” he said.
“Remember, love is not going to keep you together,” Brassell said. “It’s the commitment you have made before God that will keep you together.”
The hustle and bustle of weddings means many honeymoon considerations are often forgotten.
Amanda Lewis agent for Travel Designer, Inc., offers several tips to the bride and groom for honeymoon travel:
Travel with a copy of your marriage license. This is often required for discounts.
Travelers in Mexico and the Caribbean are required to travel with a certified copy of their birth certificate and driver’s license. It is recommended that you always travel with these items even if you plan to remain in the United States. A current passport will be necessary if the honeymoon takes you outside the country.
Because mistakes do happen and baggage may be misplaced, Lewis recommends both the bride and groom pack a few necessities and extra clothes in their carry-on luggage.
A final key is that the bride should always travel under her maiden name. Because she may have not had all her identification changed over, this helps to avoid confusion.
Lewis also recommends using a travel agency to schedule honeymoons since agents know current specials and have resources on tours and packages.’
Also, in the past the honeymoon was left to the responsibility of the groom and his family. This is no longer the case, Lewis said.
Many couples are marrying later in life and are on their own when they tie the knot. And with many women contributing as much or more than the man financially, the honeymoon is often paid for together.
A couple’s move from engagement to marriage marks a milestone in the lives of both participants. But traveling that road can be a bumpy ride, filled with potholes that may be warning signs of future problems.
“People certainly are overwhelmed because they’re trying to plan a major social event at the same time their relationship is transitioning from an engagement relationship to a marriage relationship,” said Dan Sandifer-Stech, associate professor of family studies at Samford University. “That makes for a stressful combination.”
But while the stress of a wedding can be uncomfortable, Peggy Sanderford said the situation may also help the marriage’s long-term success.
“I tell couples, ‘This is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. You need to learn how to deal with the stress,’” said Sanderford, associate pastor for Christian growth at Southside Baptist Church, Birmingham.
“These are patterns that are going to last a lifetime,” she added.
Sanderford uses this example: The bride worries and talks about her concerns, while the future groom hits the golf course to relieve tension. She emphasizes the couple needs to understand such reactions are likely how the couple will always deal with problems.
Preparation is one factor that often makes a wedding more stressful for brides.
“Society says it’s the bride’s wedding and the bride does all the planning,” said Sanderford. “I think there’s a lot of pressure on her. It depends on the groom, how much he gets involved,” Sanderford noted.
Sandifer-Stech said how couples handle assigning wedding costs, family relationships and other issues are indicators of the marriage’s potential for success.
“The engagement process and planning process require certain skills which are put to the test,” said Sandifer-Stech.
Among the skills he identified are communication, an ability to negotiate and follow through with things. “Those are all skills that are necessary,” he said.
Sandifer-Stech said both parties usually deal with stress in about the same amount. “I don’t know that women tend to be more jittery than men.”
Sanderford said one of the functions of premarriage counseling is helping couples deal with stress that arises as they move closer to their wedding day.
“Sometimes you need an outside person to deal with stuff,” she noted, adding that stress arises when couples are faced with wedding issues they haven’t anticipated.
“I would not say they get too stressed out,” said Neal Schooley, associate pastor for pastoral care at Dawson Memorial Baptist Church, Homewood.
But Schooley said couples are frequently unnerved by problems such as unexpected costs, difficulties with in-laws and numerous post-wedding parties. “Be aware that those things are going to happen.”
Like Sanderford, Schooley agrees that marriage counseling not only helps a couple through stress prior to marriage, but points to how they will tackle it later in life.
Bragg Comer knows just how expensive a wedding can be. But Comer, an investment advisor with Grambrell Financial Advisors, Inc., said it wasn’t his professional work that taught him how costly weddings can run. Instead it was the personal experience that accompanied the marriage of his 23-year-old daughter in July.
“The real issue that I didn’t realize is that’s a fairly expensive process,” Comer said.
The main suggestion he offers based on his experience is the importance of making a budget and prioritizing items. He said doing so will help determine which costs are essential and which can be eliminated.
“It’s very important to have some idea what it’s going to cost,” Comer said. “As much as we don’t like to, we still have to live within a budget.”
Comer said a wedding is “a very exciting time” for a father, who often doesn’t realize the costs involved in a wedding until after the bills arrive. He said certain expenses can add thousands to a wedding’s total costs.
It’s like a vacation, if you don’t plan the expenditures, you can overspend,” Comer said.
Modern Bride magazine offers several suggestions for planning and preparing for a wedding at its Web site, www.modernbride.com:
Stick to a budget. Failure to do so may result in families getting carried away early on with some minor item, then not being able to afford something else that is more important.
Shop around. Get at least three estimates for major items. Also, don’t be fooled by the cheapest deal.
Make sure everything is in writing with contracts specifying costs, deposits, name brands, etc.
Study the fine print of all contracts for hidden costs, taxes, service charges, etc.
Consider having the wedding in a less expensive month (July is the most popular and costly month for weddings). Also, having a wedding during the week rather than the weekend can lower expenses.
Neal Schooley, associate pastor for pastoral care at Dawson Memorial Baptist Church, Homewood, said elaborate plans can add to costs.
“There seems to be a trend toward larger weddings,” Schooley said. “And there is expense associated with that.”
Schooley said wedding costs are discussed in premarriage counseling.
“They may be helped to see that if they cut down on the size of the event, that it’s not a reflection on the authenticity of their marriage,” Schooley said.
Comer declined to say how much he spent on his daughter’s wedding, but said wedding costs can be staggering.
Comer said listing the estimated expenditure of each item in one column and actual cost in another is a way to determine which items are necessary, which can be eliminated which cost less.
While many churches have unwritten rules regarding weddings, others throughout the state have developed a set of written guidelines.
Guidelines aid churches in meeting their goal of creating worship services out of weddings.
Members of the wedding party are expected to conduct themselves in a way that reflects an attitude of worship. Because young children in the wedding may be a distraction, some churches have a minimum age limit for flower girls and ring bearers.
The music is also expected to follow in an attitude of worship. Some churches consider flash photography to be a distraction of worship and don’t allow pictures to be taken during the ceremony.
Most churches do now allow weddings on Sundays, Wednesdays or holiday weekends.
Other rules have been developed to maintain the beauty of the church.
Some churches put minimum age limits on children who will carry candles. Many don’t allow anything but silk flower petals to be dropped.
Other policies created to protect churches include a rule against food and drink during rehearsal or on the wedding day. Decorators are also asked to use caution in securing items to walls or furniture.
“We need to have someone from the church represented here,” said Carrie Engle, administrative assistant to the pastor at Dawson Memorial Baptist Church, Homewood. These are people who “know the ins and outs of the church.”
Because of this, churches often require wedding directors be provided by the church or selected from a list of coordinators in the church.
Many churches, such as First Baptist Church, Oneonta, and Dawson Memorial do not charge members for the use of facilities. However, maintenance fees apply to both members and non-members. Depending on how much of the church is used, this can be up to several hundred dollars.
Several other churches do charge a fee to use the church for weddings. The fee is usually lower for members than nonmembers.
New Hope Baptist Church, Athens, Limestone Association, requires only a clean-up deposit to non-members. The deposit is returned if facilities are found to be acceptable following the service.
Cottage Hill Baptist Church, Mobile, allows weddings on holidays and holiday weekends but doubles the cost of kitchen workers, sound system personnel and those who help set up and clean up the facilities.
Churches requiring musicians who are part of the church staff have specific fees.
At Dawson there is a specific price for weddings and a price for weddings and rehearsals. These must be paid by members and nonmembers. Other churches simply ask that a gratuity be given to musicians.
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