For some families, the grief of losing a loved one to suicide can be so unbearable they often consider drastic measures themselves.
“The desperation is so bad when this happens- the desperation to stay alive is so severe, because it’s very seductive to want to die to be with the person, because that’s the only way you catch up with them to find out what happened,” said Nancy Reeder.
Reeder’s son, Jason, killed himself Aug. 13, 1994, when he was 24. A participant in Birmingham Survivors of Suicide (SOS) group, she said the question of “why” never goes away.
“I have so many questions,” said fellow SOS member Dean Hefner. “I don’t know why (he committed suicide)- there was no note left.”
Hefner, whose father killed himself Oct. 20, 1999,just after turning 60, said she now realizes “something was coming, because he gave me some special possessions of his- but it didn’t make it any easier.”
Awkward situation
Depression is one of the key factors cited in contributing to suicide. While both Kathy Moore and Jeanette and M.D. Thomason lost sons to suicide, the SOS members said they did not know how to approach their children’s mental conditions.
“We knew he was depressed, but we didn’t know what to do about it,” Mrs. Thomason said. “We had never dealt with anything like that before, (and) we had no idea what the consequences could be.”
“We were ignorant of the signs and the consequences of severe depression,” Thomason said.
But while time passes, the families said the emotional scars linger long after a suicide.
“If I was wounded on the outside, as I am on the inside, I would be wrapped in bandages so that I could not even see,” Mrs. Thomason said. “That’s what people do not see,” she explained.
Moore said the situation is often complicated because friends do not know what to say when they are around someone who has lost a family member to suicide.
“I think they get sick of (hearing about) it,” Reeder said.
“You have to try to feel that you can make something positive out of such a tragedy,” Mrs. Thomason said. “That’s one way we’ve coped with it.”
One way the Thomasons and others said that can be accomplished is through helping others deal with their grief and speaking out about suicide’s warning signs.
“It’s reality, you can make something positive out of tragedy,” Reeder said.
“And sometimes, that’s the only catalyst that snaps you into a sense of reality and what’s really going on and how your life should be lived.”
Hefner said dealing with the loss and talking about it is the only way families can ever come close to accepting their loss.
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