Sally arrives at church early, sits in a back pew and initiates little conversation with members as they arrive and walk past her to their seats. She offers a faint smile — a smile no one sees. Throughout worship, she sits still, quiet and alone, feeling as if she doesn’t belong. Before the closing benediction, she picks up her purse and silently slips out. Sally is one of the many lonely members in church who feel out of place, disconnected, isolated and invisible.
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Loneliness has become a widespread emotional struggle, possibly even headed toward a crisis, in the U.S. and the Church.
According to the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory (2023), “Loneliness is now considered an epidemic-level public health concern, associated with higher risks of depression, heart disease, cognitive decline and shortened lifespan.”
“Loneliness is like hunger or thirst,” Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy stated. “It’s a feeling that we experience when something we’re lacking for survival is missing from our life.”
When ignored, loneliness can erode a person’s spiritual life, mental health and overall well-being.
Behavioral scientist Susan Mettes, author of “The Loneliness Epidemic,” states loneliness can bring varying levels of pain. “Those whose loneliness is constant and chronic have likely experienced how loneliness can chip away at health and quality of life,” Mettes said.
Loneliness harms a member’s spiritual growth. Members may stop participating in worship services, small groups and church-sponsored events. Chronic loneliness can weaken a member’s prayer life and Bible study as well as cause feelings of unworthiness and a sense of spiritual abandonment. Most often, if the problem isn’t addressed, lonely members quietly slip away from church.
Loneliness can affect:
- young adults who are leaving home, going to college or new jobs and forming lifetime identities.
- singles of all ages who attend church alone, feel outside of church social groups and have little or no relational support.
- widows and widowers who live alone and grieve the loss, emotional support and companionship of a spouse.
- new members or visitors who know few people in the church.
- physically disabled members or those with chronic mental, emotional or physical illnesses.
- elderly adults with decreasing health and social interaction.
- divorced or separated members who live alone or with their dependent children.
- those who suffer from loss, trauma, PTSD, extreme shyness, etc.
- caregivers who devote their time and energy to care for an elderly parent, disabled or ill spouse and/or children.
- members who have few financial resources, insufficient educations, low-paying jobs or are unemployed.
- military families with a deployed spouse or parent.
- families with an incarcerated spouse or parent.
What the Church can do
When congregations — a member’s spiritual family — genuinely care about their people, they respond to the lonely and show discipleship in action. Here are some suggestions on how to respond:
- Train staff and small group leaders to look for members, like Sally and others, who seem isolated, rarely engage with others, feel uncomfortable in groups and seem awkward or embarrassed around other members.
- Select front-door greeters to welcome visitors and members into worship services. Ask them to learn their names, escort visitors inside, seat them beside other members and introduce them.
- Allow a brief “meet and greet” break during services and encourage members to speak to each other and introduce themselves.
- Personally invite individuals who intend alone to group events, volunteer opportunities and Bible studies.
- Create intergenerational friendships that bring different ages together for fun and fellowship.
- Preach about the problem of loneliness from the pulpit; invite speakers to address loneliness in church-hosted workshops or seminars; ask compassionate members to reach out to the lonely to support, encourage and assure them they belong to the church family.
- Engage the lonely in sincere conversation, listening closely as they speak so as to discern their needs. Follow up with a note, phone call or email. Invite them for coffee or lunch. Introduce them to others with similar interests.
- Work with Christian counselors in the church and community to help those with specific concerns like loss, trauma, PTSD, depression, rejection and other painful life experiences.
- As a congregation, pray for and with the lonely, invite them into the church’s social circles and genuinely connect with them.
In John 17:21, Jesus prayed “…that all of them may be one.” In this prayer, He prayed specifically for his current disciples and for all future believers, including believers today.
When church leadership and members reach out to those who are lonely, they build connection and unity among Christ’s followers from across generations. Relationships deepen, spiritual growth increases, lonely members feel like they matter and belong to the church family, and the church transforms into a place of grace, fellowship, friendship and genuine love. The church becomes a home, and the members unite as a caring, compassionate spiritual family — each reflecting to others the welcoming heart of Christ.
What to do if you are the lonely person
If you feel shy, uncomfortable or lonely in a church setting, know that you’re not alone. Lonely people fill many church pews as the epidemic of loneliness grows in our nation. Many feel invisible, isolated or disconnected. If you are the lonely person in your church, here are some practical ways to connect with others:
- Arrive a few minutes early for the worship service. Be the first one to speak — smile, nod and introduce yourself to those around you.
- Sit in the same place each week. This builds recognition, helping people connect faces with names. Friendships will form naturally over time.
- Start with one small step. Choose one connection — a class, Bible study group or support group. Attend regularly and get to know the members. When you feel comfortable, choose another group to add.
- Volunteer to serve according to your gifts. Ask the pastor or a staff minister how you can help with church ministry. Choose tasks you love — working with children, teaching, preparing community dinners, encouraging others or serving as a welcoming greeter, etc. You’ll become a treasured team member, working alongside others for a shared purpose.
- Keep showing up. Become a dedicated volunteer the church can count on. Attend groups, services and activities consistently.
A steady presence builds trust, recognition, friendships and connections in the church and community.
Name changed for privacy purposes.
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