Months after a mom of four and former missionary to Turkey wrote a short, to-the-point suicide note, she sat on her porch and contemplated every word of what could have been the last thing she ever wrote.
“I could either write a short note of despair or a whole book of hope,” Julie Busler thought at the time. Now Butler, an author, speaker, Bible teacher and mental health advocate, has concentrated her energy on helping others find the hope that she found after two hospitalizations, therapy, medicines and a renewed focus on God’s Word.
In her book, “Joyful Sorrow: Breaking Through the Darkness of Mental Illness,” Busler shares about her struggle with depression and undiagnosed trauma.
Struggle with depression
It was during her time in Turkey when she was with her husband and family that she made a plan to end her life.
“You can’t pretend forever, so I had this breakdown and was hospitalized and then moved home. I was rehospitalized in America and I felt like, ‘God’s done with me. There’s no place for me in ministry.’ Someone in the Church verbalized that I was unsuitable for ministry, and I believed him because of the depression,” Busler said.
“I just didn’t understand how someone who struggled like I did could be used by God.”
During the time of healing, Busler kept a journal even though she felt so broken. It took about a year before she was ready to communicate her story. It was at that point that she realized the sections of her journal could be chapters.
“Maybe these lessons that brought me to life could be used to help someone else,” she said.
She is still amazed at how the Lord showed up during her time in the psychiatric hospital in America.
Three different times Psalm 23 was repeated to her — once by a fellow patient, once by some women who came to visit her and even the doctor, who said, “Julie, have you ever read Psalm 23?”
Shepherd’s voice
At the time, she believed that her brain was so broken that she couldn’t hear God.
“I later realized that if mental illness could block the voice of God, then He’s not God. Jesus said the sheep know the Shepherd’s voice.
“It was so miraculous to me that even when I was at the lowest point in my journey where I felt that God had absolutely abandoned me, that even in a psychiatric hospital, He made Himself known,” Busler said. “It’s not that I prayed enough; I didn’t even have a Bible.
“But He was showing me that the Word of God is not bound and yes, God’s presence is in the Church and at Bible studies, but it was also very much there, in that psych ward.”
There was another reason for her to put those lessons into a book that could be shared with others. When she got back to America, she didn’t find any books like “Joyful Sorrow.” She and her husband had no idea where to go.
They decided to serve at a local church where Busler joined the planning committee for their annual women’s event. Busler had been too ashamed to tell the ladies why she and her husband were home.
The committee wanted three women to tell their stories. Busler knew that she should be one of them but “fought God for a good 30 minutes in [her] chair.” She wasn’t going to do it.
Dependent
Busler finally surrendered and told them that she could share about being in a psychiatric hospital. She was surprised that the women all thought it was a good idea.
After the event, “People were just like, ‘Me too! Me too! Oh, my goodness! I’m a pastor’s wife, and if you were a missionary and could struggle, maybe I could struggle too.’ The overwhelming response made me think, ‘Oh, my goodness. I’m not the only one.’ All these people, they’re acting as if I’m the first one to tell them, ‘It’s okay to love Jesus and even be in ministry and still struggle,’” Busler said.
Busler really wants others to know that God doesn’t expect everyone to be perfect, and He doesn’t want them to be ashamed of mental health struggles but instead to be dependent on Him. She learned that she can be human and God will sustain her no matter what she’s going through.
“There’s beauty in our weakness. That’s all over Scripture. I don’t know why so many of us feel that we have to have it all together. God uses us in spite of that,” she said.
Painful topic
Another emphasis of Busler is how suicide rates are increasing. Over the years mental illness has lost much of its stigma, but suicide needs to be discussed more.
“It’s an awkward and painful topic, but I’m pretty passionate about talking about it as we see these numbers rise.
“For me, it’s worth it to feel awkward. That’s been one of the biggest things I hear — ‘I could never do that. I could never share my story.’ I’ll respond, ‘Yes, you could! Your story is important.’
“So, I don’t really feel brave. I just feel like God keeps giving me the grace to keep sharing.”
To learn more about “Joyful Sorrow” and Busler’s ministry, go to JulieBusler.com .
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