By Editor Bob Terry
In some places in the United States, it is the fastest-growing trend in the funeral industry. It is called “direct services.” Basically that means a funeral home picks up the body of the deceased, prepares it appropriately and then performs a burial or cremation. There is no funeral service, no memorial service. The deceased is buried and survivors attempt to go on living as if nothing has happened.
According to noted grief expert Alan Wolfelt, as many as 25 percent of services provided by funeral homes in some areas of the nation are “direct services.” What a tragedy. It is as if the person who died had no value or meaning to others.
Some people avoid funerals. They complain that funerals are inconvenient or that funerals make them sad.
Really? Why is it that going to a funeral of a family member or friend is inconvenient but receiving an invitation to an important event would be considered a privilege? Isn’t it just as much a privilege to demonstrate one’s love and appreciation for someone by taking time out of a day to participate in that person’s funeral?
When someone whom we love or care about dies, we will be sad. There is no escaping it. The only question is whether the sadness will be handled responsibly.
Will one face the sadness or will one deny it? Facing sadness and learning to live with the loss bring a new sense of balance for survivors. Denying sadness only brings chaos.
That is one reason every culture or society yet discovered had some form of funeral rites. Funerals provide an appropriate way to begin dealing with the loss. Funerals are for the survivors, not for the dead.
That is why the needs of the living are the determining factors in planning a funeral, not necessarily the wishes of the one who died.
Funerals help us acknowledge that one we loved has died. That one is not away on a trip. He or she has died. We will miss not only the physical presence but all that the person represented in our lives. At a funeral, there is no denying the reality of physical death.
Funerals provide a time to say goodbye. They allow us to put periods at the end of sentences of physical presence. While vivid memories will live as long as survivors breathe, saying goodbye provides a sort of closure. The physicalness of the relationship is not left open ended or unfinished.
One of the ironic things about funerals is their laughter. As people remember the one who died, as they share their stories and memories, laughter is often heard. Many healthy funerals purposely include humorous stories about the departed. Other times, the stories evoke feelings of appreciation or respect. The important thing is that funerals provide opportunity to remember the person who died and to share those stories with others.
Talking about the life and death of the one who died is emotionally healthy. Talking about everything but the individual is to ignore “the elephant that is in the room,” as one person stated it. Those closest to the departed want, even need, to hear the name of their loved one called and to listen to stories about him or her.
An important aspect of funerals is the social support system they provide. One only has to see how often grieving family members look at the names on the flowers sent by friends and family to know the importance of the support network during a loss. Flowers, food, notes and cards, personal visits — all of these convey a message of concern and support.
Death, of course, is a very personal thing, but death is also a community experience. Family and friends are impacted by the death of a loved one. A workplace, a church fellowship, a neighborhood, a volunteer organization — all of these can be affected by a death. A funeral provides opportunity to acknowledge the far-reaching impact that the death of a single individual can have.
Not all funerals are religious, but for those of us who believe in Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior, a funeral is an opportunity to express our confidence that “death has been swallowed up in victory” through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. And because of His resurrection, all who believe “in Christ shall be made alive each in his own order: Christ the first fruits, after that those who are Christ’s at His coming” (1 Cor. 15:22–23).
Funerals provide opportunity to proclaim the Christian hope provided by faith in Jesus Christ. Even in the face of death, there is life, even life eternal.
When funerals are done well, they can be the first step toward finding a new sense of balance. They help us know that we can go on living despite the devastating loss experienced in the death of a loved one.
That is why funerals have been important through the ages. That is why they are still important. Funerals are supposed to be personal in their focus and communitywide in their impact. They are not meaningless ritual. They are not morbid. Funerals provide an indispensable beginning to the journey of mourning the departed.
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