A couple’s move from engagement to marriage marks a milestone in the lives of both participants. But traveling that road can be a bumpy ride, filled with potholes that may be warning signs of future problems.
“People certainly are overwhelmed because they’re trying to plan a major social event at the same time their relationship is transitioning from an engagement relationship to a marriage relationship,” said Dan Sandifer-Stech, associate professor of family studies at Samford University. “That makes for a stressful combination.”
But while the stress of a wedding can be uncomfortable, Peggy Sanderford said the situation may also help the marriage’s long-term success.
“I tell couples, ‘This is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. You need to learn how to deal with the stress,’” said Sanderford, associate pastor for Christian growth at Southside Baptist Church, Birmingham.
“These are patterns that are going to last a lifetime,” she added.
Sanderford uses this example: The bride worries and talks about her concerns, while the future groom hits the golf course to relieve tension. She emphasizes the couple needs to understand such reactions are likely how the couple will always deal with problems.
Preparation is one factor that often makes a wedding more stressful for brides.
“Society says it’s the bride’s wedding and the bride does all the planning,” said Sanderford. “I think there’s a lot of pressure on her. It depends on the groom, how much he gets involved,” Sanderford noted.
Sandifer-Stech said how couples handle assigning wedding costs, family relationships and other issues are indicators of the marriage’s potential for success.
“The engagement process and planning process require certain skills which are put to the test,” said Sandifer-Stech.
Among the skills he identified are communication, an ability to negotiate and follow through with things. “Those are all skills that are necessary,” he said.
Sandifer-Stech said both parties usually deal with stress in about the same amount. “I don’t know that women tend to be more jittery than men.”
Sanderford said one of the functions of premarriage counseling is helping couples deal with stress that arises as they move closer to their wedding day.
“Sometimes you need an outside person to deal with stuff,” she noted, adding that stress arises when couples are faced with wedding issues they haven’t anticipated.
“I would not say they get too stressed out,” said Neal Schooley, associate pastor for pastoral care at Dawson Memorial Baptist Church, Homewood.
But Schooley said couples are frequently unnerved by problems such as unexpected costs, difficulties with in-laws and numerous post-wedding parties. “Be aware that those things are going to happen.”
Like Sanderford, Schooley agrees that marriage counseling not only helps a couple through stress prior to marriage, but points to how they will tackle it later in life.
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