Historically the church has paid more attention to the responsibilities of a wife to her husband than to the husband’s responsibilities to his wife. Yet, Ephesians 5:21ff, the most often cited biblical passage on family relations, has more than twice as many verses devoted to the responsibility of the husband than it does to the responsibilities of the wife.
Because this Sunday is Father’s Day, perhaps it is appropriate to look again at the way a Christian man is to relate to his wife and family.
The apostle Paul, the writer of Ephesians, gives a clear, declarative command to husbands in verse 25 when he says, “Husbands, love your wives.” The word for “love” is agape. It is used to describe the kind of love God has for humankind. It is unmerited love. It is self-giving love. It is selfless love.
That is not to say that a husband and wife are not to be friends but if a husband was to just be a friend to his wife, Paul would have used the word philos. Nor does it mean there is not to be sexual love between a husband and wife. Clearly, there is. But neither sexual love, eros, or friendship love gets close to the type of love a husband is to have for his wife.
Selfless, self-giving agape love is to be the cornerstone of the relationship between a man and a woman. It is the first gift a man offers his wife-to-be.
To help husbands understand the kind of love required of them, Paul offers an analogy. He writes, “just as Christ also loved the church.” Again, agape is used to describe love. But this time, there is a difference. When used to describe God’s love, agape can imply reaching down with unmerited love. The renowned Southern Baptist Professor W.O. Carver said in his commentary on Ephesians that when used to describe man’s love, agape implies reaching out on a level.
The use of the same word to describe a husband’s love for his wife and Christ’s love for the church cannot be used to justify an over-under relationship between a husband and wife. Indeed, Carver points out that the whole passage about domestic relationships hangs on the thesis statement of verse 21, “Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.”
Paul goes on to point out the lengths that Christ’s love for the church caused Him to go. He writes, “and gave Himself for her.” Those words caused all who read them to remember that Jesus died a physical death on a cross. He did it because “God so loved (agape) the world. …” He did it to pay the price of sin. He did it to do for men and women what they could not do for themselves. He did it to establish a new humanity based on the confession of Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior.
Husbands are to give themselves for their wives in similar fashion. Husbands seek the well-being of their wives and families. That means physical wellbeing, to be sure. It also means their well-being in every other area of life. Husbands are to encourage and enable their wives and children to become all that God created them to be.
One who “gives himself” for wife and family knows that “it is not about me.” It is about others, because that is the force of the agape love the husband has for the wife.
During courtship, many have said words to the effect that “You are the one I love. Without you I am incomplete. I will give everything for you and will give up everything for you, myself as well as all that I possess. I love you alone.”
Marriage provides opportunity for the husband to demonstrate that such sentiments were not wild promises in moments of passion but the earnest, heartfelt desires resulting from agape love.
The Bible teaches that Jesus went to the cross without complaint or protest — “He opened not His mouth.” Husbands are to follow Christ’s example. There is no room for complaining, for bellyaching, for protest, for the “what about me” attitude. Such actions only belie the claim of agape love. Such actions call attention to the husband’s actions, not to the husband’s love.
Jesus “poured Himself out” as a sin offering. Through that sacrifice, the church was birthed. Husbands are to pour themselves out physically, emotionally and spiritually, all in behalf of their wives and families. It is one thing to say “I am willing to die for you.” It is another for the husband to pour himself out day by day for wife and family.
The goal of all of this is for the wife and family to know Christ and to grow in Him. Husbands have the privilege of being leaders in this lifelong journey.
Husbands lead with agape love. “This love (agape) is slow to lose patience — it looks for a way of being constructive. It is not possessive: it is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance. Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage. It is not touchy. It does not keep account of evil or gloat about the wickedness of other people. On the contrary it is glad when truth prevails. Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope. Love can outlast anything” (1 Cor. 13, Phillips translation).
If Christian husbands paid more attention to the command to “love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” perhaps it would make a difference in the quality of family life experienced in church families.
Share with others: