Helen Keller once said that surviving grief is accomplished by going through it.
Birmingham-area ministers had opportunity to learn how to help church members move through the grief process at a seminar held at Brookdale University Park in Homewood on April 28. The event was jointly sponsored by Brookdale, Community Grief Support and Dignity Memorial/Ridout’s Valley Chapel.
“Bereavement is death-related and it literally means ‘to be torn apart,’” said Steve Sweatt, Community Grief Support clinical director. “Loss refers to being separated from a thing of value and grief is the normal and involuntary response to loss. Mourning is how we give expression to our grief. Healing comes when we move from grieving to mourning and when we’re able to talk to others about our loss.
“It’s important to reminisce and release,” he said. “It’s important to give grieving persons permission to express what they feel. The first response is often anger. They need to express their anger toward God or others and get the ‘bile’ out of their system. The grief supporter can come alongside them and encourage this process.”
Sweatt introduced the group to a new term used in grief ministry: “habituation.”
“Habituation means that a grieving person should be able to revisit their loss and touch their pain,” he said. “It’s healthy for those with losses to be able to talk about the loss, to name their departed loved ones, to talk about the things they remember and to express how they felt then and how they feel now. This is the way we get to the point of mastering our pain.”
Sweatt also uses the phrase “grief garden” as a way to refer to an environment of care the Church can provide.
“Sometimes this environment means doing practical things for grieving people, like hoeing or weeding in the garden,” he said. “We can help with tax returns or mow the grass. We shouldn’t tell a grieving person to ‘call me if you need me’ but rather take initiative and do the things that are helpful. Congregations can provide the warmth of their presence and people will grow through the process as living things grow in a garden.”
Larry Michael, pastor for adult ministries at South Highland Presbyterian Church, Birmingham, shared information from his 2015 book, “A Necessary Grief.”
“There are so many inappropriate responses to grief,” he said, “and we’ve probably heard them all — things like ‘It’s time to move on,’ or ‘Don’t cry; it only upsets your family.’ We sometimes have the idea people should ‘put on a happy face’ rather than making the commitment to stay with them through the journey.”
Appropriate humor also can be therapeutic as can sharing on social media, Michael added.
Michael encouraged congregations to consider grief ministry and to consider those who’ve suffered loss as the ones to staff the ministry.
One source in Michael’s book who started a grief ministry in his church said, “Special sensitivity should be given to every special event that first year: the first holidays, the first birthday, the first anniversary for a married person and the first anniversary of the loved one’s death should be noted. A simple statement such as, ‘I know this must be a difficult day for you without [your loved one], and I want you to know that I’m praying for you’ can mean the world to a grieving person.”
Both presenters counseled the group to be tender with grieving people, realizing that what Sweatt called a “sudden temporary upsurge of grief” or what Michael called a “grief burst” may occur without warning or provocation.
“We [believers] are purveyors of hope,” Michael said, “and helping people grieve is a ministry of hope.”
Community Grief Support sponsors a number of grief support groups in the Birmingham area. For more information, visit communitygriefsupport.org. Larry Michael may be contacted at lmichael@southhighland.org.
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