Writing to an advice columnist, a woman expresses these concerns about family members who are grieving a loss due to death. “My brother and his wife lost a teenage son in an auto accident six months ago. Of course this is a terrible loss, but I worry they’re not working hard enough to get on with their lives. This was God’s will. There’s nothing to do about it. The family has been patient and supportive, but now we’re beginning to wonder how long this will last and whether we may not have done the right thing with them.”
That woman’s concern is shaped by a faulty understanding about bereavement. She, like many others, has neither an informed understanding nor accurate information about the grieving process. The woman incorrectly assumes that grief is of short duration, ends within a specific time frame and is the ‘will of God.’ Whenever there is a loss to death—spouse, parent, child, sibling, grandparent—grievers struggle with a variety of confusing and conflicting emotions. Too often their struggle is further complicated by well meaning individuals who say and do the wrong things because they are untutored about the bereavement process.
Knowledge is helpful
Here are eight of the most common myths and realities about grief. Knowledge of these issues is extremely helpful for both the bereaved and those who want to help them.
The bereaved gain assurance their responses to a death are quite normal and natural. Simultaneously, family, friends, religious leaders and other caregivers have the correct information about grief, thus enabling them to respond more patiently, compassionately and wisely.
Myth 1: It’s been a year since your spouse died. Don’t you think you should be dating by now?
Reality: It is impossible to simply ‘replace’ a loved one. Susan Arien, a New Jersey physician offers this insight: “Humans beings are not goldfish. We do not flush them down the toilet and go out and look for replacements. Each relationship is unique, and it takes a long time to say goodbye, and until goodbye really has been said, it is impossible to move on to a new relationship that will be complete and satisfying.”
Myth 2: It was the will of God
Reality: The Bible makes this important distinction: life provides minimal protection, but God provides maximum support. One example of that truth is this statement from Jesus: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33 NIV).Calling a tragic loss the will of God can have a devastating impact on the faith of others.
Consider this woman’s experience: “I was 9 years old when my mother died, and I was very, very sad. I did not join in the saying of prayers at my parochial school. Noticing that I was not participating in the spiritual exercise, the teacher called me aside and asked me what was wrong. I told her my mother died and I missed her, to which she replied: ‘It was the will of God. God needs your mother in heaven.” This made me very angry with her and with God because I felt I needed my mother far more than God needed her. For years I was angry with God because I felt He took her from me.”
When statements of faith are to be made they should focus upon God’s love, support and comfort.
Rather than declaring ‘it was the will of God’ a better response is to gently suggest ‘God is with you in you pain’ or God will help you day by day or ‘God will guide you through this difficult time.”
When seeking to deliver spiritual comfort to the bereaved, take your cue from this biblical text:” God has said ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5). Also rather than talking about God’s ‘taking’ a loved one it is more theologically accurate to place the focus upon God’s ‘receiving and welcoming’ a loved one.
Myth 3: You look so well
Reality: The bereaved do look like nonbereaved on the outside. However, at the interior, feeling level they experience a wide range of chaotic emotions –shock, numbness, anger, disbelief, betrayal, rage, regret, remorse, guilt. These feelings are intense and confusing.
“In grief, nothing stays put. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles or dare I hope I’m on a spiral? But if a spiral am I going up or down it?” write C.S. Lewis shortly after the death of his wife.
In reality, while the bereaved may look “well” they may, in fact, be struggling greatly with managing their emotions and feelings. Thus, when people comment in astonishment –“You look so well” – grievers feel misunderstood and further isolated.
A more helpful response is to simply and quietly acknowledge their pain and suffering through statements like these: “This must be very difficult for you.” “I am sorry!” “How can I help?” “Is there anything I can do?” “Would you like to talk?”
Myth 4: It’s been six (or nine or 12) months now. Don’t you think you should be over it?
Reality: there is no quick fix for the pain of bereavement. Of course, grievers wish they could be over it in six months. Grief is a deep wound that takes a long time to heal. That time frame differs from person to person. Glen Davidson professor of psychiatry and thanatology at Southern Illinois University School of Medicine tracked 1,200 mourners. His research revealed an average recovery time from 18 to 24 months.
Encouragement healthy
Myth 5: You need to get out more and be more active.
Reality: Encouraging the bereaved to maintain their social, civic and religious ties is healthy. Grievers should not withdraw completely and isolate themselves from others.
However, it is not helpful to pass judgment on the bereaved and pressure them into excessive activity. Erroneously, some caregivers try to help the grieving ‘escape’ from their grief through such excessive activity. There is no ‘escape’ from grief, and too much activity only delays the recovery process.
Consider this lament from a woman whose husband died seven months earlier: “Several of my friends who have not experienced grief firsthand have been pressuring me to ‘get out more and get active’. They say solemnly, ‘What you must do is get out among people, take a cruise, travel abroad. Then you won’t feel so lonely.’
“My feeling is their advice would simply interrupt my grieving and not bring it to an end. I’ve now developed a standard response for their advice: ‘I am not lonely for the presence of people, I am lonely for the presence of my husband.’ But how can I expect these innocent to understand that I feel as though my body has been torn apart and my soul has been mutilated? How could they understand that for the time being, life is simply a matter of day-to-day survival?”
Myth 6: Funerals are too expensive and the services are too depressing.
Reality: Funeral costs vary greatly and can be managed by the family according to the preferences. More importantly, the funeral visitation, service and ritual create a powerful, therapeutic experience for the bereaved.
In her book “What to Do When a Loved One Dies,” Eva Shaw writes, “A service, funeral or memorial provides mourners with a place to express the feelings and emotion of grief. The service is a time to express the feelings and emotions of grief. The service is a time to express those feelings, talk about the loved one and begin the acceptance of death. The funeral brings together a community of mourners who can support each other through this difficult time. Many grief experts and those who counsel the grieving believe that a funeral service is a necessary part of the healing process and those who have not had this opportunity may not face the death.
Myth 7: The best thing we can do for the griever is to avoid discussing the loss.
Reality: The bereaved need and want to talk about their loss, including the most minute details connected to it. Grief shared is grief diminished. Each time a griever talks about the loss, a layer of pain is shed.
“The people most helpful to us when our son, Mitchell, died were those who let us talk, talk and talk about every detail of his life and death,” recalls one bereaved father. “The best comforters were those who made no attempt to distract us from our grief, rather encouraging us to talk freely and from our heart. It was only through the expression of our feelings via words that the intense pain of loss began to ease.”
Myth 8: You’re young, you can get married again. Your loved one is no longer in pain now. Be thankful for that.
Reality: The myth is in believing that such statements help the bereaved. Avoid making statements that minimize the loss such as “He’s in a better place now.” “You can have other children.”
It is more therapeutic to listen compassionately, say little and do whatever you can to help.
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