An estimated 9 million Americans are members of the sandwich generation — wedged between the demands of caring for aging parents and helping their own children grow up. But while one might expect sandwiched adults to sound bitter or burdened, many say their new responsibilities are rewarding.
JoAnn Simich of Chicago says bringing her mother into her home has not only been a surprising source of joy but has made the three-generation family closer. “Our home has become a nexus for all the members of the family,” she says. “The Lord is drawing us into a household again.”
The term sandwich generation has been bandied about in the social sciences and the media for more than a decade. According to one study from the National Alliance for Caregiving, most of the estimated 9 million Americans in the sandwich generation are baby boomers, but they can range in age from the 30s to the 60s.
Although caring simultaneously for children and parents is not unique to this generation, it is more common for two reasons: Couples are waiting longer to have children and senior adults are living longer.
Whereas in the past children typically went through puberty when their parents were in their late 30s or early 40s, now parents are much more likely to be in their late 40s or early 50s when their kids are teenagers. Consequently kids experience changes and need extra support at the same time their parents are experiencing the changes and losses of midlife. Meanwhile the parents’ parents, who typically are living longer than previous generations, are more likely to require involved and prolonged care from their grown children.
These factors combine to create the first generation of Americans who could face life’s most difficult stages all at the same time. Place them in an individualistic society that worships youth and devalues caregiving, and it can be a lonely experience.
A 2001 study by the American Association of Retired Persons found out several things about adults ages 45 to 55:
44 percent have living parents and at least one child under 21.
28 percent suffered a death in the family in the last year.
24 suffered a major illness in the family in the last year.
16 percent endured a major illness themselves, and
24 percent had a child leave home.
The result, says author Kathleen Fischer in “Autumn Gospel,” can be overwhelming. “Often when we feel we cannot bear another ending, it is pressed upon our lives anyway: a parent’s sickness, the death of a friend, a diagnosis of illness. We may be dealing not simply with one major transition, but with many small or larger ones.”
Nationwide only 18 percent of 45- to 55-year-olds in the AARP study said they feel stressed because they are “sandwiched between the needs of my immediate family and older relatives.”
While sandwiched adults endure demands on time and emotions, they have much to teach us about the joys of self-sacrifice.
Debbie Friel, 47, is married and works as a head nurse in Raleigh, N.C. She has two daughters living at home, one starting high school and the other starting community college this fall. Her 88-year-old mother recently moved from Ohio to live near her in an assisted-living facility.
“This spring my oldest child left high school and I was transitioning with Mother. And I struggled with sadness,” she says. “The younger part of my life is closing down. It’s a transition from being young and youthful to becoming the older generation in my family.”
Don Karrer, 62, of Grosse Point, Mich., knows what Friel is going through. He spent many years caring for two sets of elderly parents, as well as for his wife and teenage daughter. “If you’re the sole person responsible for two sides of the family, plus children, you can find yourself going in so many different directions you can hardly stop to take a breath,” he says.
According to the AARP study, 84 percent of sandwiched adults call and visit their elders.
About 45 percent do housework, maintenance or shopping errands for their parents. Other common tasks include handling paperwork or bills, dealing with legal issues, contributing financially or making financial decisions, arranging for aides and nurses and helping with personal care such as dressing, bathing and eating.
Typically, even if there are multiple siblings, the primary responsibility for providing for the physical and social needs of parents falls on the shoulders of one child, who is usually female.
“Most caregiving duties fall to the daughters in the family,” writes Jean Chatzky in Money Magazine. “According to the National Alliance of Caregiving, 73 percent of family caregivers are women. And not because they have more time. Three in five female caretakers from 35 to 49 hold down full-time or part-time jobs, and about half have to change their work schedules.”
The strain of juggling jobs and caring for kids and parents can cause marriage rifts and health problems if caregivers don’t have enough support and help from others.
When asked how this level of caregiving has affected their own lives, respondents in the AARP study said caring for older relatives has affected their own plans for vacation (29 percent), retirement savings (26 percent), education (12 percent) and career (8 percent).
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of the AARP study, respondents said that in spite of — or perhaps as a byproduct of — these losses and sacrifices, they still felt very satisfied with their lives and their relationships with their families. The findings suggest that, although loss is a dominant theme of midlife, many people find it a time of renewal for themselves and their relationships with family.
“Many people at midlife experience a new sense of the balance of opposites in their lives,” says Lynne Baab in “A Renewed Spirituality: Finding Fresh Paths at Midlife.”
“Work and rest, time alone and time with people, a growing sense of freedom coupled with a greater sense of discipline. Just when we feel the most settled and even a little bored in our family life, a totally new path of service lights up our lives.”
JoAnn Simich, 53, the Chicago wife and mother who recently brought her own mother into her home, says her new role is a privilege.
“The world would tell me that having my mother living with me should be a pressure because I’m giving up my freedom, but what’s happened is something very joyous. Because she always provided for me, it’s my joy now to be able to do that for her,” she says.
Simich and her husband have two children in their 20s who live in the area but are on their own. Since her mother has come to live with them, the family has grown much closer, Simich says. “Our life has been enriched.”
“Whether or not one must care for an older parent seems unrelated to probability of family life enjoyment,” concludes the AARP report. Only 4 percent of the study’s 45- to 55-year-olds said that they consider their family a burden.
And 93 percent said they feel “my family gives me strength.”
An overwhelming 88 percent of the age group say they are satisfied with the way their lives are going. And they feel optimistic about the future; 78 percent look ahead with confidence to better times personally and for their families, the study said.
How do people cope so positively with the challenges of caring for family members? And what can we learn about caring for others from their experience?
“During the midlife years, we not only have to learn to face losses, we also get to experience the surprise of finding new pleasures, new joys and new ways of connecting with God,” suggests Lynne Baab. As people face the challenges of this stage of life they also discover new coping strategies and sources of support they may not have needed to access earlier in life.
“Among older boomers, faith and prayer are by far the most commonly cited sources of support for caregiving efforts,” the AARP says. “Fully 62 percent draw on spiritual aid. In addition, 42 percent say their church, synagogue, temple or other religious organization has been helpful to them.”
Many Christians also rely on caregiving organizations like Stephen Ministries or other care ministries at their local churches.
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