It’s the summer after and the summer before. The summer after seniors graduate from 13 long years of elementary, junior and high school is also the same summer before life changes forever — before college, work and possibly marriage.
Experienced families and professionals say that while the summer after graduation is a relational and emotional tug-of-war, it is possible to live through it happily and successfully.
The summer after graduation is a summer of goodbyes. For graduates, it is time spent in anxious awareness of what and whom they are leaving while being completely unsure — maybe terrified — of what the future holds.
“In this summer of the long goodbye, this last summer of their childhood, your children need your help to let go … and to hang on,” said Carleton Kendrick, a licensed family counselor and author.
If they’re leaving home for college or the workplace, then teens know they can come home to reconnect with family. But they know all too well relationships with treasured friends will change and that they might never see each other again despite heartfelt promises to keep in touch. Because of that looming feeling of separation, many seniors’ last summer before leaving home is consumed with an urgent need to spend as much time as possible with friends.
Kendrick said parents should not feel neglected or rejected if a graduate spends more free time with friends than with them. Instead he advises parents to communicate an attitude of understanding.
“Instead of making your kids feel guilty about not being with you or breaking curfews (curfews are still necessary but difficult to maintain during the summer of goodbyes), tell them that you know how tough it is to say goodbye,” Kendrick noted.
Walta and Jim Hattaway, Oklahoma residents with family ties to Dothan, have lived through four summers of goodbyes with their daughters Rebecca, Sarah, Jessica and Laura. Walta remembers all four girls having extreme mood swings in the weeks before graduation and throughout the summer after.
“All of them were so much more irritable those last few weeks before graduation, almost like being in junior high again,” she recalled. “They seemed to be pushing us away with their behavior, yet they wanted to cling to the precious and familiar things. They wanted more freedom but not necessarily the responsibility.”
The Hattaways handled the occasional emotional eruptions by whispering a prayer and “playing it down” as one would a temper tantrum with a child.
“We just kind of rode the waves with them,” Walta said. “We were more relaxed (in expectations of the girls), knowing we wouldn’t be around them at college.”
All four of the girls remember mixed feelings of relief and excitement over graduating and starting a new chapter of life, along with terror over the unknown. Jessica — now married and preparing for full-time missions in India — remembers feeling bad about how irritable and annoyed she felt with her family the summer before going away to school. But she also felt unable to control her outbursts.
“I felt very sick of everything and everyone. But it really helped having older sisters telling me what to expect,” she said. “Parents have a big influence over their kids that summer.”
Kendrick believes arguments might be a teen’s or parent’s unconscious attempt to make the leaving easier. Others say the tension and disagreements are natural physical reactions to the stress of juggling confusing emotions, as well as to tiring work and social schedules.
Kendrick noted everyone in the house is getting less sleep during the summer of unending parties, college preparations and work. The challenge for parents and graduates is discovering how to balance the complex emotions while getting everything done before leaving home.
For Michael and Wendy White, members of Iron City Baptist Church in Calhoun Baptist Association, that balance became possible through prayer and trusting in the promises of God’s Word. The Whites have a son, Chase, and a daughter, Morgan, who both graduated from White Plains High School in Anniston.
“We handled all the decisions and emotions surrounding graduation with a lot of prayer,” Wendy said. “We wanted [Chase and Morgan] to delight in the Lord and desire to follow Him and for that desire to be their own desire from Him.”
The Whites trusted especially in Psalm 37:4–7 while waiting for scholarship information from the University of Mobile (UM). The morning of Morgan’s senior awards assembly, news came that the valedictorian had been awarded a sizable scholarship to work with UM’s program for underprivileged children.
Wendy said that while Chase — an Auburn University student — was eager to experience life as an adult, his emotions were less complicated in the weeks before and after graduation. That small blessing helped the Whites focus on preparing their son spiritually to handle the stresses and temptations of college life.
Every other weekend for two months before Chase started classes, the Whites traveled with him to visit churches in Auburn until he found a new church home.
“We wanted him to find a church immediately,” Wendy said. “We knew it was extremely important that he find godly friends, godly relationships and stay connected to church.”
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