I must start this article by saying, “I loved being married to a minister.”
I would not have wanted to trade places with anyone else. In the valleys and on the mountaintop, God provided for our needs. To see the kingdom of God being built and to see lives changed. What an honor. I only wish this role had been mine for many more years.
From the letters I received and comments concerning my article last month on priorities in ministers’ families, mutuality of call to the ministry for husbands and wives is a must. Perhaps I phrased that wrong – I should have said support of the call and a deep commitment to marriage.
“My family has been very supportive and proud of my ministry.” These are proud words from a father of three, serving in the ministry for many years. No doubt he was one of many who learned early on that right priorities make all the difference in the world. Some positive words through notes and calls have affirmed the fact that there are many happy spouses. All this results from nurturing.
Wives speak out
Let the wives speak for themselves:
“Every Tuesday night is our night out. Sometimes we have to change the night, but we make it a point to spend quality time together.”
“So many people love my husband that there were times at church when I felt like I was left out,” one wife said. “Through the years, he has made it a point to include me in every way. If he is talking to a group and I walk up, always he extends his arm to me or I feel that big hand reach for mine. I feel like the most important person in the world.”
“One thing I have always admired about my husband is he lets me be me. Never has he made unreasonable demands. His favorite words: “Honey, do what you feel God wants you to do and everything will fall into place.”
“The ministry has strengthened our marriage. God is always the focus of our family. Being involved with my husband in every way allows opportunities that a lot of wives never experience.”
Think about it. There is no way in the world to solve all the problems of family conflicts in the ministry. Expectations and how to get along with church people, making a good home for family, sharing your gifts and being in tune with God. Like any other family you will experience frustrations, but the joy far outweighs the bad. God first, family second and the church third. Now that is the real key.
So, pastors, take your wives out to dinner and don’t talk about church. Send her roses, brag on her in front of the congregation. Let them know she is the joy of your life. The church will respect the fact that you look after your family. The ones who don’t, just turn them over to God and keep on doing the right thing.
Ladies, one final word. I often have written about the role of the pastor maintaining the right priorities, but you have deep responsibilities, too. In some of the seminars I have led, it is easy to spot the wives who put their jobs ahead of their husbands. They will let you know quick that God called the husbands and not them.
Some ministers’ wives show up at church very little and lend no support to what is going on. These kinds of women would have trouble regardless of whom they married. It seems their lives are more about pleasing themselves. Forgive me but facts are facts. The psychological profiles of those in the ministry all differ. What works for one may not work for another. But we all know that if you are committed to God and to your marriage- both of you, not one- then rejoice, the best is yet to be.
Can families of the clergy be normal? I think so. The lives of many prove that.
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