I don’t know if my mom ever felt sad about the empty nest but I did.
I still remember that September years ago standing in front of the dorm as my parents drove away in our yellow station wagon, tears welling in my eyes and a lump in my throat.
I remember trying to stuff those feelings inside, as a great sense of isolation swept over me. It was up to me now, I thought.
At that point, neither my parents nor I could foresee that I wouldn’t have a “real job” for another 15 years. So I wasn’t really leaving permanently, just living in another state for several months of the year.
But the significance of the moment still is profound, and it’s memorable like any other rite of passage. It’s the symbolism of the move that’s important, and that signifies a major psychological and developmental shift.
Changing relationships
While children’s departure from home these days is more gradual and may take longer than in previous generations, the life of a parent changes significantly when the youngest child is launched into the world.
You’ll hear and read that this time is a great opportunity for growth and a time of mourning and in truth, it’s both. The newly empty nest reflects a change, which includes both endings and beginnings.
It’s a time when parents can redefine themselves with societal and familial support — a rare opportunity.
Many parents’ moods and well-being increases in the year after the last child departs. Negative moods tend to be fewer as well as the number of daily hassles, such as lots of laundry.
It’s also common to have feelings of grief and sadness after this loss. The house can seem very still, big and empty.
New empty nesters may find themselves spending time in their child’s room, mourning those special times with their child and trying to grieve with another parent who may or may not share their feelings at the same time.
And many folks with empty nests find themselves also caring for other nests — those of their aging parents.
Some also find that retirement or menopause occur about the same time, requiring even more adjustments during these years.
When that youngest child leaves home, relationships will change.
Your relationship with your adult child, with your spouse, with others (who may or may not understand your experience) and with yourself will change.
All relationships will be affected somehow. Consider the following suggestions as you encounter an empty nest:
4When your young adult leaves home, stay in touch consistently, but do not deluge your son or daughter with attention or require them to give much back to you.
4Strengthen your marriage. Strengthen your friendship with your spouse because this relationship will change as you have much more time to focus on it alone.
4Develop new friendships for yourself and renew lasting friendships.
4Rejuvenate yourself and develop new ideas about things you can do. In the long term, you may want to return to school and further your education.
4Find a hobby.
4Volunteer.
Whatever you choose to do, give yourself time, first of all, to make adjustments before you make major changes. Don’t make other major changes at the same time. Eat well. Exercise. Reflect and enjoy yourself.
Most importantly, hang in there. Feelings of sadness and grief are normal, and it may take well over a year to fully integrate these changes into your life.
Like with any other major change, there are good days and bad days and occasional reminders that trigger painful or happy feelings.
Even though a child leaving home is more predictable and often less stressful than many other life events, such as job loss, our society offers few supports for this transition.
Prepare ahead of time
It may be easy for some folks to navigate this transition but, at the same time, extremely challenging for others.
Think about the following questions as you evaluate whether you are vulnerable to the more severe symptoms associated with the empty nest syndrome.
Think about how you typically react to big events.
4Do you see changes as mainly good or mainly bad?
4Is change stressful or challenging?
4Do you have weak relationships?
4Have other expected developmental changes been tough for you?
4When people ask who you are, what’s the first thing you say? (Hint: If it’s “I’m a mom,” or “I’m a dad,” then you may have some distance to travel before you can feel comfortable with the new roles you’ll take on.)
4Has parenting been your primary job?
4Are you worried about your child’s ability to live independently?
If you begin to feel like your life has ended, you become isolated or you don’t feel like going to work for longer than a couple of weeks, then seek professional help.
If your marriage gets increasingly negative or distant, then seek counseling.
Prepare for this transition by developing strong friendships and strengthening your relationship with your child before they become independent.
Take the time and effort now to make memories that will be pleasant for years to come for both you and your child.
One final note — That September long ago, I didn’t even think about my brothers when I left home.
We tend to become self-focused at these times because they are stressful. One important person often left out when a child leaves home is the sibling who remains at home.
Take special care of the last sibling left at home since last remaining siblings do experience feelings of sadness, especially when they are close to their older brother or sister.
Editor’s Note — Jonathan Davis, Ph.D., is an assistant professor in the department of family studies at Samford University.
Share with others: