Pastors need ‘inner circle’ of support, accountability

You need to understand something. We in the ministry — we’re normal, regular people. We’re just regular folks. We’re God-called. But we’re regular. We’re sinners just like everybody else. In our marriages, sometimes we have tiffs and tough times. I know my sugar-babe and I do. I don’t like to call them arguments, maybe just discussions. There’s a Hebrew word for that which means ‘a whole bunch of bull.’”
   
For Dennis Swanberg — minister, comedian and host of “Swan’s Place” on the Odyssey Channel — that fact offers a bit of humor in his “Loosen Up, Laugh and Live” video.
   
But for many pastors, the reality of it isn’t a laughing matter.
   
Because they are human, they have doubts; they have marital problems; they have turbulence in their family unit.
They feel inadequate.
   
And while everyone in the congregation can go to the pastor when these situations arise in their own lives, he is the only one who doesn’t have a pastor, points out Kenneth Bullard, senior pastor of Cropwell Baptist Church in St. Clair Association. Pastors often don’t feel like they have anyone with whom to share what’s on their hearts.
   
“The pastor simply doesn’t know what person or persons he can talk to,” said Bullard.
   
Pastors, he went on to say, aren’t supposed to hurt, cry or bleed. If a pastor opens up and admits his human frailties, he fears he may be perceived as being weak.
   
Bullard said more and more ministers are battling depression because of all the hats they must wear and the pressures they face in their positions.
   
Some of those pressures, they bring on themselves.
   
“There are a lot of hurting preachers,” he said. “I think it’s high time people recognize preachers are human.”
   
True, they are leaders. But they’re human ones — human ones who experience despair and all the other emotions and discouragements known to mankind. It’s nothing new, though, said Bullard. The apostle Paul had to encourage Timothy in his New Testament ministry. And in Old Testament days, circumstances grew to a point in which Moses wanted to die.
   
“Every pastor needs somewhere, someone where he can turn,” said Bob Thornton, director of missions for Etowah Association. He pointed out that fact, using the book “Every Pastor Needs a Pastor,” by Louis McBurney.
   
Though some pastors are reluctant to develop close relationships within the church, for fear of being seen as having “favorites,” Ricky Creech, director of missions for Birmingham Association, said, “You’ve got to have an inner circle.”
   
Otherwise, pastors will have only superficial relationships and, therefore, nowhere to turn in time of need.
   
What Creech suggests is that a pastor surround himself with an accountability group. It could be made up of men and women who have the time to serve, whose opinion the pastor respects and who will keep what is said to themselves. The group could start out as a means to give feedback on sermons, then progress into a support group for the pastor.
   
“If it’s going to get personal, it could be three to four shoulders he could lean on,” said Creech.
   
Thornton said pastors need to build up a prayer partnership with other pastors or lay leaders. They could meet once a month, pray together and hold one another accountable.
   
Creech echoed the need to have fellowship and develop relationships with other pastors who can be trusted and will keep information confidential.
   
Other suggestions he emphasizes include having a mental checkup once a year (if pastors don’t know which counselors to use for such a service, Creech said his office can make suggestions) and an annual physical. He also suggests allowing the associational director of missions (DOM) to be a friend, listener, prayer warrior and advocate.
   
The DOM often has been called “the pastor to the pastors,” said Dale Huff, director of the office of LeaderCare and church administration with the Alabama Baptist State Board of Missions. “Many DOMs nurture that kind of relationship.”
   
If a situation is beyond the DOM’s expertise, he can refer the pastor to someone else for assistance, said Creech.
   
Huff said he spends the majority of his work time in support and counseling for ministers.
   
“There is a system, a ministry, of counseling support,” he said. If professionals need to be sought to help deal with situations, the state board subsidizes such services for ministers (who don’t have to be pastors) and their dependents.
   
That’s because, in a ministry, the family feels the effects too.
   
The September issue of Focus on the Family magazine reports that a Fuller Institute survey revealed “80 percent of all pastors feel their jobs have a negative effect on their families. Pastors’ wives and children often feel isolated and pressured by high expectations.”
   
Thornton said the pastor’s wife is the one who tends to hurt the most. “They just don’t have anyone,” he said. While the husband may be able to develop prayer partnerships with others, the wife may be at home taking care of their children and, therefore, unable to build that type of relationship for herself.
   
Creech said too many homes break up because Dad, who is a pastor, is always away caring for others. In fact, there are preachers’ kids who are out of church today because they feel like it destroyed their relationship with their dad by demanding all his time.
   
One of the downfalls of being a pastor, though, is that he knows how to minister to someone, but not how to be ministered to, Creech said.
   
Just a few weeks ago, his father died suddenly. When around family members, Creech found himself assuming the role that was expected of him — to minister to others and be strong. He even delivered the eulogy at his father’s funeral. It was only when he was alone that Creech was able to grieve as a son.
   
Pastors, said Thornton, must realize that they have to become transparent enough to be able to ask for help and, then, to receive it.
   
Bullard got to experience this firsthand a few weeks ago, when one of his daughters underwent brain surgery.
   
“Our church just came to the rescue for us,” said Bullard. He explained that members prayed, fasted, called, sent cards and letters and prepared meals.
   
The church, he continued, did everything it could for the family.
   
Ministering, Thornton said, does indeed go both ways. Others can receive a blessing from ministering to and helping the pastor.