It’s amazing how one undertaking can change a family’s trajectory. In 2013, Penn and Kim Holderness and their two children made a funny video Christmas card for their families and put it on YouTube. It went viral overnight, and they eventually quit their media jobs and now make funny and inspirational videos and podcasts full-time, with more than 4.5 million followers.
After watching these funny, family-friendly videos, it would be easy to imagine that this couple gets along well and their home is full of laughter and fun. However, that’s not always the case. Instead, they fight “more than your average couple on a sitcom,” as they say, and one day realized that if they didn’t address the issue, their marriage wouldn’t make it.
“Not one single marriage in the history of marriages has run perfectly all the time,” says Penn in their book, “Everybody Fights, So Why Not Get Good at It?”
“Disagreements are inevitable when you spend that much time with someone … . So we’ve made it a priority to put in the work required for a healthy marriage,” In this recent release, the couple shares advice from their pastor and marriage coach, Christopher Edmonston.
‘Illuminate a way forward’
Throughout their counseling sessions, Edmonston taught them how to use certain “magic words.”
“[Magic words are] choice phrases and keywords that, while they don’t solve everything instantaneously, help end your misery because they illuminate a way forward,” the couple say in the book.
While weaving humor into this serious topic, each chapter gives a specific example of a fight they have undergone, and both Penn’s and Kim’s perspectives on it. They then share the practical advice Edmonston gave them and how it has affected similar fights.
The first tip was the idea of metacommunication — the practice of looking at how one communicates. Edmonston encouraged the couple to regularly discuss fights and figure out what went right, what went wrong and what could be done better.
The book explains, “No analysis is complete without looking at the final outcome. How did the fight turn out? What was the upshot? And what can you learn from it? What do you need to practice? What skills can you improve? When we sit down to review a fight, we have a cup of coffee and try to get to the bottom of what we were trying to convey in the heat of the moment.”
Some of the topics addressed are:
- How to not let emotions escalate a fight and how to find the best time to talk about it later
- Reassurance that both members of a couple can have differences, and how to express them safely within the relationship
- The dangers of becoming silent or running away from a fight
- How to talk about hot topics like chores and finances.
Chapters 5 and 6 contain issues related to the married couple’s private love life and how central this form of nonverbal communication is for a couple. This part of the book also discusses the importance of never assuming your partner automatically knows what you want. Note that it does contain some coarse language, mentioning of private body parts and how important sexual intimacy is to communication.
Building bridges
In Chapter 6, Penn and Kim say, “Asking for what you want is vital if you are going to have a relationship in which both people can grow and stretch and not feel stifled and frustrated. That is why ‘Mature people ask for what they want,’ is one of [Edmonston’s] all-time favorite phrases.”
“Everybody Fights” discloses the behind-the-scenes lives of a YouTube sensation. Honest and frank, the book has some surprising insights that illustrate how to become more successful communicators within a relationship.
In the chapter called, “One Last Thing,” the couple says, “Our goal in this book has been to show you how to build a reliable bridge to connect you securely to your partner. Our marriage is a living, breathing, unfinished, imperfect, constantly changing part of our lives, and no matter how deeply and completely we love each other, fighting will always be part of it. With every argument, we learn a little bit more about each other. With every resolution we show a little more of ourselves.
“We’ve been using these techniques for almost a decade now. While we still mess up every single day, knowing that we have the tools to clean up the mess has made us a lot steadier when we do get into it with each other. We say what we mean and trust the other person will love us anyway — and we think that’s worth fighting for.”
Published by HarperCollins Christian Publishing, “Everybody Fights” is available at Amazon and other major retailers. Download a free chapter at www.theholdernessfamily.com by clicking on the “book” tab.
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