By Tal Prince
Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:27–28). Jesus astonished the crowd. He was saying that if we have thought about it, we are guilty. Jesus is never content with behavior modification — He demands a transformation of our heart.
The Internet has given people unique opportunities to commit adultery in the heart. Just off the information superhighway are dark alleys called chat rooms. People drop into chat rooms to have written conversations with other people that they know only by their screen names and online profiles. The majority of chat rooms are perfectly harmless, but then there are those with names from “married and looking” to any number of sexually explicit variations.
The chat room is a powerful place because everyone can become anybody they want. Many men proclaim themselves to be wealthy professionals, and many women claim to be models. Everyone is beautiful and he or she has no problems and a perfect body. It is a false world built on lies where everyone is perfect and they all love you. It can be highly seductive — especially to someone who feels distant from his or her spouse.
People find friends there and the anonymity provided by the Internet often leads people to begin sharing feelings and fantasies with a stranger. Bonds are made and a false intimacy begins to develop and an emotional affair begins. These “cyber-affairs” are devastating to marriages. Many spouses involved in cyber-affairs do not believe they are cheating since there is no physical sex involved. But remember the words of Jesus — sin is a heart condition. It is not just about the physical act.
I constantly receive phone calls from spouses who have just discovered either a large amount of pornography on the computer or a series of e-mails that are clearly evidence of extramarital activity at an emotional, and sometimes physical, level. These cyber-affairs often spill into the real world and become physical. The pain is gut-wrenching and it is becoming all too common.
Valid statistics on adultery can be difficult to obtain, but in her book “Intimate Partners,” Maggie Scarf reported that by age 40, 50–65 percent of husbands and 45–55 percent of wives become involved in an extramarital affair. Have you thought about that as you look around the congregation on Sunday? If it is true in your church, how many people are sitting there feeling the crippling sting of adultery? Do they feel safe talking about it and asking for prayer and counseling? Could they support each other if everyone knew? What are you doing about that?
Extramarital affairs usually last an average of two years and usually start with the fire of romance, which leads to sexual activity, which can form an emotional attachment that is difficult to break.
The spouse left behind is struggling with one question — why? Women report seeking affairs to feel loved, to have a friend and to feel needed. Men report that they engage in affairs for sexual fulfillment, friendship and fun. These answers never really suffice, because the surface reason is seldom the real reason.
I believe that if you look deep enough, everyone is seeking genuine intimacy. We want to experience the intimacy that the woman at the well experienced. We all want to be completely known and loved in spite of our weaknesses and all that is wrong with us. We want to be known and loved, don’t we? Affairs, whether emotional or physical, do not satisfy the search for intimacy.
Author Jan Halper surveyed men who had affairs, and only 3 percent married their lovers, and 75 percent of those marriages from the affair ended in divorce. If this other person was so wonderful and worth leaving a marriage, and possibly children, behind, why do so few marry and why do the majority of those marriages end in divorce?
It is because there is no intimacy in the relationship. It’s rooted in lies and sex. Affairs are fantasyland. There are no diapers to change, no fighting children, no household chores, no financial pressures — no reality. There’s romance and sex but no reality. There is also no trust. Affairs annihilate trust on all levels.
It is one of the cruelest tricks of the enemy, isn’t it? In a search for intimacy, we put ourselves in positions that make it impossible to obtain. Can you hear him laughing? It really does look like an old Road Runner cartoon in which the spouses seeking porn and affairs take on the role of Wile E. Coyote falling into trap after trap.
So what happens in the wake of an affair? When it comes to light — and it always does — spouses are devastated and the guilty spouses get demonized, trust is destroyed and talk quickly turns to divorce. Battle lines are drawn, friends take sides and nobody wins.
We cannot escape the truth that the divorce rate is higher inside the church, which means we have veered tragically off course. Marriage is a covenant. Ask Hosea about being married to an unfaithful spouse. God chose that marriage to display His undying, unswerving covenant love for His adulterous people.
Can marriage survive adultery? Yes. Does a great deal of work need to be done? Yes. Is there hope? Yes. Does God still love you? Yes.
Remember to look at the genealogy of Jesus. He was the son of David — an adulterer. There were prostitutes and adulterers in the bloodline of our Savior. The spotless Lamb had a very spotted bloodline.
The pain of adultery is real and it is long lasting. So is the cross. Marriages may seem as if they are dead, but if the spouses are followers of Jesus Christ, the same power that brought Him out of the grave is available to revive their marriage. There is hope in the gospel.
Indeed it is the only way to save any marriage. It may not feel like it, but the doubt of the disciples on Saturday did not keep Jesus in the grave on Sunday. Marriage can be resurrected. And the living illustration of the gospel can continue to be a beacon to a lost and hurting world.
Adulterers and their victims always felt safe around Jesus. They knew He could help them. Do they feel safe in your church? Can they get help from you? Remember Jesus says we are all guilty. Can we drop the stones?
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