I suppose you’d expect a man who’s been married 30 years to a beautiful, intelligent woman would be able to share with you the secrets to having a perfect marriage.
But Kay and I don’t have a perfect marriage. She is without a doubt my best friend, and we have a wonderful relationship — but as far as a perfect marriage, there’s no such thing.
What Kay and I do have is a marriage centered on Christ. We remain committed to each other because we remain committed to Christ and His work in us.
I’ve noticed that it’s not unusual for couples to float through their first year or two of marriage in a love-blinded bliss. But, frankly, that didn’t happen for Kay and me. Our first two years together were the most difficult. If we both hadn’t been committed to Jesus Christ and hadn’t agreed that divorce was not an option, we wouldn’t have stayed together. It was simply too difficult.
After we were married, Kay and I discovered that, apart from our love for God, we were about as opposite in nature as two people could be. We viewed life from two different angles and argued over just about everything.
The one factor that kept us married was that we agreed on one thing: Divorce would never be an option. You can’t leave the door open even a little, or eventually one of you will try to escape. Over time, God helped us to accept and appreciate our differences.
Through the process, we learned that any successful marriage is built upon the biblical truth that God designed each of us with five purposes in mind: worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry and missions.
Until you realize you and your mate were placed together for God’s purposes, then your marriage will be difficult, complicated and exhausting. But once you understand God’s plan, your marriage takes on new meaning. Here are five biblical purposes you should keep balanced in your marriage:
• You and your spouse were planned for God’s pleasure. A man once asked Jesus, “What’s the most important commandment?” Jesus replied, “ Love God, and love other people” (Matt. 22:36–39). That includes your spouse.
Life is about relationships. You worship God when you love and sacrifice for your spouse (read Romans 12 with a view of what its applications would mean to your marriage). That brings pleasure to God, and any time you give pleasure to God, you’re worshiping Him.
• You and your spouse were formed for God’s family. God made a promise about the gathering of even two believers: “For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst” (Matt. 18:20, NAS). So if both you and your spouse are believers, God is already in your marriage working to transform the two of you into a purpose-driven family unit.
Within marriage, God has created an opportunity for us to develop a true intimacy and authenticity with another human being.
To go this deep requires genuine, heart-to-heart, gut-level honest sharing. This happens when you both share your hurts, reveal your feelings, confess your failures, disclose your doubts, admit your fears, acknowledge your weaknesses, and ask each other for help and prayer.
• You and your spouse were created to become like Christ. God uses your spouse to build His values, attitudes, morals and character within you. Once you understand this, a lot of what happens within your marriage will begin to make more sense. When you start to ask, “Why is this happening to me?” The answer is — to make you more like Jesus.
If God’s purpose for each of our lives is to make us look more like Jesus, what better tool could He use than the marriage relationship? Who better for God to use to chisel you than the person you live with seven days a week?
• You and your spouse were shaped for serving God. The Bible says, “God has made us what we are. In Christ Jesus, God has made us to do good works, which God planned in advance for us to live our lives doing” (Eph. 2:10).
God shapes us for service through a variety of methods, including using the difficulties in your marriage to form you into an effective minister to others.
Who could better help somebody recover from the pain of an addiction, a business failure or a prodigal child than a couple who has been through these things and emerged with godly insights?
God doesn’t just use our strengths; He uses our weaknesses and even our failures.
• You and your spouse were made for a mission. Your marriage not only involves ministry, it also involves mission. Your ministry is to believers and your mission is to nonbelievers — allowing God to use your marriage as a means for telling others about His love.
This may take many forms, from being a witness in your neighborhood to going overseas on missions trips together. The fact is, if you want God’s blessing on your marriage, then you must care about what God cares about most. He wants His lost children found. He wants everyone to know Him and His purposes for their lives.
Marriage is a lifelong process designed to teach you to see the needs of another person as more important than your own. It’s a difficult transition because it’s not natural. To think this way requires an intentional shift that can be made only through the power of God in your life.
The reward, however, is greater than anything you could ever imagine. God’s plan for your marriage is wider and deeper than anything in your wildest, craziest dreams. May our heavenly Father help you catch this vision as you chase it into the future.
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