Remarrying after spouse’s death may seem unlikely but can be fulfilling

The days, months and even years after the death of a spouse are often the loneliest and most difficult times of a person’s life. For some, dating and remarriage are nonissues; for others, however, God has other plans.
   
When Charles Stroud’s wife of 39 years died in September 1998, he said he would never remarry. His wife had been his partner in ministry for more than 30 years, and her 10-year struggle with Alzheimer’s had been a painful journey for Stroud and his three sons.
   
But in November 1999, Stroud, who is director of missions for Shelby Association, was working with the association’s Christmas Gift Shop ministry and struck up a friendship with one of the volunteers.
   
Mildred Stroud had lost her husband in 1993, and she too had said she would not remarry. But as they continued to work on various ministry projects together, their friendship grew, and they realized the Lord had brought them into each other’s life.
   
“We realized that we could minister to each other and would have a good life together as husband and wife,” said Charles Stroud, who also serves as interim pastor of the Church at Lay Lake in Shelby Baptist Association.
They married in 2001.
   
David and Ann Rice of Birmingham both lost their first spouses to cancer, and like Stroud, neither expected to marry again. But once again, God had other plans.
   
The Rices became acquainted through a grief support group, which had a strict no-dating policy for group members. They each finished the program at different times but continued to work as volunteers, and a friendship developed as a result.
   
“Our relationship began as a friendly, helping relationship,” Ann Rice said.
   
The relationship began to change when David sent Ann an e-mail invitation to a musical program at his church, Dawson Memorial Baptist Church in Birmingham Association. Ann said when she first realized he was asking her out, she closed down her computer and began to cry. “I just didn’t think I was ready for a dating relationship,” she said.
   
But a talk with her daughter made her reconsider. “My daughter said, ‘Mother, I have prayed so long for you to have someone in your life to keep you from being so lonely, and now you’re going to mess it up.’ ”
   
Ann Rice decided to accept the invitation, and they had a good time. They realized they had a lot in common: They both loved the Lord, they both went to church, and they were both involved in ministry. They began to do a lot of church-related activities together, but they would not admit they were dating.
   
“There was just something about the word dating,” she said.
   
“But we began to realize that there was something between us, a chemistry that we liked,” said David Rice.
   
That chemistry turned into love, and the couple married in 2000.
   
The Rices and the Strouds are part of a growing number of senior adults who choose to remarry after the death of a first spouse.
   
Although many factors enter into this decision, most couples agree that the reasons they choose to remarry are the same ones that influenced them to marry the first time — love and companionship.
   
These couples are also quick to point out that a second marriage is not a substitute or a replacement for a past relationship.
   
“There is nothing like the loneliness you feel when you lose your mate,” said Ann Rice. “But you don’t remarry for company or for security. You remarry for love.”
   
Trying to replicate a previous relationship can doom a new marriage, said David Rice. “You can’t compare a new marriage to the previous one or use the same standards as before,” he said. “You are a different person and the person you marry is not going to be like the first spouse.”
   
This is especially true when individuals have endured the illness and death of a first spouse.
   
“You do change through the adversity of a spouse’s death,” said Ann Rice. “Hopefully you grow in the Lord through these circumstances. But it’s never the same life again.”
   
In most cases, counseling can help both individuals deal with issues from the past and get a good start in a new marriage. “No matter how well-adjusted you think you are, you still have a lot of baggage,” Charles Stroud said. “A good counselor can make you aware of that.”
   
In every circumstance, however, the primary concern of both individuals should be focusing on the will of God. “The new relationship has to be based on love,” said David Rice, “and it starts first with the love you have for Jesus and the heavenly Father. When your love for the Lord comes first, you will know what He wants you to do.”
   
Ann Rice said Jeremiah 29:11 was an especially meaningful verse for her after the death of her husband.
   
“I claimed the promise that God has a plan for my life, a plan to give me hope and a future,” she said. “The Lord had a plan for my future to be happy. I tell everybody our marriage is God’s doing.”