Danny and David were best friends. They had been as long as either could remember. They were in school together, went to the same church, even attended the same college. Danny found a church to attend in his college town. David went with him at first. But it wasn’t long before Danny was going to worship alone. David, like many other 18- to 24-year-olds, chose a path that led him away from regular participation in a local church.
Why would one boy choose to value his relationship with God through regular participation in a local church while another boy with similar experiences walked away from the church? Part of the answer is the parenting each boy experienced.
Both Danny and David grew up in strong, traditional middle class homes. Their parents worked hard, providing safe, comfortable environments for them. Each family tried to give their sons opportunities to grow and develop and that included participation in church.
Danny’s family practiced daily family devotionals. From his earliest days his parents asked him about what he learned in church. Church was a family experience and the family talked together about every aspect of church life and about one’s personal relationship with the Lord. The parents seemed to take personal responsibility for Danny’s growing in his knowledge of Jesus.
It wasn’t just church the parents cared about. It was every part of Danny’s life. They cared about his school work, his developing moral character, even his physical condition — and Danny knew it.
David’s parents made sure their son was in the right places but they did not have the personal involvement in their son’s activities as Danny’s parents. After all, they both worked to make David’s opportunities possible. At the end of a hard day they were tired. Meetings at church, events at school, community activities — they could not be expected to do everything.
When the parents did have some time to relax, they liked to play tennis. That was something the couple could do together to build their own relationship and that was certainly important.
David’s parents relied on what some people call a “parenting society” where everyone shared responsibilities for a child’s care and control. The church provided religious education. Schools developed intellectual abilities and career preparation. Sports teams cared for physical development. Scouts and other organizations concentrated on moral character and the media — movies, games, TV, etc. — provided entertainment.
David’s parents saw themselves as child-
development managers. Danny’s parents, on the other hand, viewed themselves as the primary caregivers for every part of their son’s life. This difference makes all the difference, says religious researcher George Barna.
The church, for example, can work alongside parents as a resource for growing children in the Lord, but the church is not a substitute for the influence of parents. That is why research shows that young adults who remain active in the church usually come from families who assumed personal responsibility for the child’s growth and development.
Families, not the church, are given responsibility for spiritual development of children by the Bible (Deut. 6:4–7; Prov. 22:6). The church encourages parents to prioritize growing in the Lord and helps equip parents to guide their children. But it is parents who direct their children’s spiritual journey. Seldom can the church or the parents do it alone. Both are necessary.
Barna is not kind to the “child-development manager” style of parenting. He calls it the “dump and run” style and says flatly that it does not work. “All in all,” he writes in “The Seven Faith Tribes,” “the outsourcing model has facilitated greater selfishness among individuals and decreased bonding within families … An objective assessment of the dangers facing the United States must place the collapse of the family at or near the top of the list.”
Another study called parenting “the most important public health issue facing our society.”
Parents provide a safe environment and basic physical needs. They also help the child experience love, respect and acceptance. It is from the parents a child learns basic skills, core values, religious beliefs and more. Parents are role models, teaching more by what they do than by what they say.
Learning begins almost immediately in a child’s life. Research demonstrates that a child’s concept of a loving, caring environment is formed in infancy. Now it is known that one’s moral foundations — truth, integrity, meaning, justice, ethics — are generally in place by age 9. Values may be refined with age but usually without wholesale change.
In his book “Transforming Children into Spiritual Champions,” Barna documents that spiritual beliefs are generally formed in preteen years. That includes beliefs about the nature of God, the existence of Satan, the reliability of the Bible, the holiness of Jesus Christ and the importance of spirituality in one’s life.
In fact, the majority of Americans who come to faith in Christ do so by age 12, Barna reports.
All this growing data affirms that parenting is the most significant job an adult may have. The kind of person a child will become, the kind of citizen he or she is likely to be, even one’s openness to God through faith in Jesus Christ is heavily influenced by the kind of parenting a child receives.
Barna is not knocking families where both parents work outside the home. Two-income families are a necessity for many in this economy. Rather, he is reminding adults that parenting is a prime responsibility that directs one’s choices, especially in the growing years of a child’s life.
Other influences may have impacted Danny’s decision to be active in church during his college years or David’s decision to drop out of church. Bad decisions can be made by those reared under the best of circumstances. Still it is true that a national sample of pastors, church staff and lay leaders in Christian churches showed more than four out of five of those leaders had consistently been active in the church for an extended period of years before age 13. And most came from homes where parents saw themselves as primarily responsible for their child’s personal and spiritual development.
That should tell us something about the impact of parenting.
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