What pastors wish church members knew
Many pastors’ wives confess they live a life that most church members cannot imagine. It’s hard to believe but eight in 10 pastors’ wives say they don’t feel appreciated or accepted by their husbands’ congregations. The same number wishes their husband would leave the ministry for another profession. Spousal issues are the main reason pastors leave the ministry. The divorce rate among pastors is 50 percent, the same rate as other Americans.
Ministers’ families today seem to be in crisis. Why? Here are a few reasons:
• Unrealistic expectations placed on the pastor’s family. One recent study shows that 80 percent of pastors believe pastoral ministry has a negative effect on their family. Another 60 percent of pastors and their families are feeling the pressure to be a picture-perfect family for their church and community.
Recent studies show that 65 percent of pastors feel their personal life is under scrutiny. They say church members scrutinize their children’s choices, the way they discipline their children, where they send (and don’t send) their children to school, the car they drive, the clothes they wear and the vacations they take.
• A pastor’s wife’s loneliness and lack of friends. According to an article in Newsweek, “statistics indicate that beneath the smiling steadfast veneer of a pastor’s wife, there often lies a deeply isolated woman who, due to her husband’s constant commitment to his congregants, frequently feels neglected and left without a support system of her own.” One survey found that 88 percent of pastors’ wives experience or have experienced depression.
A pastor said, “I wish church members knew that the pastor’s spouse often receives less public affirmation yet quietly carries a heavier load.”
Many pastors wish church members would befriend their wives. They wish members would include their wife when they get together for tea, coffee or day trips. “She needs friends just like they do,” one pastor admitted. “But they always leave her out.”
• A pastor’s lack of time with his family. Pastors often battle between meeting church members’ needs and their family’s needs. “We have to set boundaries between church and family for the welfare of our family — not because we want to shut church members out but for us to be a healthy family, we have to have space and time that is 100 percent free of anything church related,” one pastor said.
Some pastors even worry about divorce because of lack of time with their spouse. “I fear losing my family because I am too busy,” a pastor said. Another admitted, “If I did everything I needed to do for the church, I’d wind up divorced — on grounds of abandonment.”
What you can do to help:
• Don’t interrupt your pastor’s scheduled family time unless you have a legitimate emergency.
• Don’t criticize your pastor or his family. Encourage them. Show gratitude.
• Pray daily for each member of your pastor’s family. Pray that God will strengthen the pastor’s marriage.
Denise George is the author of ‘What Pastors Wish Church Members Knew’ and numerous other books. Denise and her husband, Timothy George (founding dean of Beeson Divinity School), are members of Shades Mountain Baptist Church. For more information, visit www.authordenisegeorge.com.
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