Tragedy Built upon Tragedy

It was a tragic day. Friends and family could not believe what they were witnessing. Yet, all had to admit the danger signs had been growing more visible during the past three years. Now the impossible was a reality. The judge’s voice sealed it. “Divorce decree granted,” she said. That was it.

What started the couple toward this day was another unspeakable tragedy. The husband had backed over the couple’s three-year-old son and killed him. It was an accident, all agreed. The family had been playing in the back yard before the husband had to leave for work at a nearby factory. He waved to his wife before backing the van down the driveway. He thought his son was still at the swing set. So did she. But he was not.

It was not until he felt a thump and heard a scream that he had any doubts about where the boy was. When he jumped from the car to see what had happened, the parents’ worst fears were realized.

The hysteria the parents felt was indescribable. It did not stop after the funeral or in a few weeks or after the first year. Nothing they did seem to calm their rage. They went to church as they always did. They talked to their pastor who eventually referred them to a family counselor. They prayed. They read their Bibles. Their turmoil continued.

During those initial weeks following their son’s death, the couple clung to each other. Both seemed to understand the tragedy was a terrible, terrible accident. But that feeling faded after awhile and their conversations became accusatory.

Neither will forget the first time she said the boy’s death was his fault. He should have known where the boy was before backing out, she screamed. In self-defense, he shot back that she was the guilty one. If she had been watching their son like she was supposed to, the accident would not have happened.

The words cut deep. Anger and hurt bubbled together in the cauldron of grief.  Its poison entered their relationship. This strong Christian couple was drifting apart.  The accusations they saw in each other’s eyes only heightened the guilt each carried for what he or she did and did not do.

Their marriage was dying. Friends could see it on their faces, hear it in their voices. Warmth gave way to routine, and routine gave way to silence. Eventually the facade cracked, and the judge’s words affirmed their marriage was dead.

It was tragedy built upon tragedy. The tragic death of their son resulted in the tragic death of their marriage.

Unfortunately, the story is not unusual. One study found four out of five marriages that lose a young child result in divorce within five years. The study concluded the primary reason for the divorces was a feeling of guilt. The guilt comes from two directions.

First, each parent carries personal guilt. Each parent relives the events which resulted in their child’s death over and over and over again. The question is always the same: What could I have done differently that would have prevented my child from dying? Each parent takes some amount of personal blame for the events.

The second source comes from outside. Parents accuse each other for the circumstances resulting in their child’s death. Rarely are these accusations expressed in a dramatic, confrontational way. Rather, they come out in double meaning statements, backhanded comments and conversations with others.

The innuendos are not missed. They hit home powerfully, draining the target of physical and emotional energy. The downward spiral is under way.

Grieving parents usually cannot forgive themselves nor their spouses. The result is tragedy builds upon tragedy.
Forgiveness is a Christian word. Its root meaning is “to take away the barriers” or “to remove the obstacles.” In the Christian faith God forgives our sins. Forgiveness is a divine act. It is not expected. It is not earned or merited. God bestows forgiveness on the undeserving.

In the Lord’s Prayer as recorded in Matthew 6, Jesus taught that we are to forgive one another as the Father has forgiven us. Forgiving one another is supposed to be the natural consequence of God forgiving us.

Human forgiveness starts with forgiving oneself. If we have been forgiven by God, can we not forgive ourselves? Then human forgiveness extends to those whose words and actions have created barriers and obstacles to human fellowship. Our forgiveness takes them away or removes them just as God takes away the barriers and obstacles to fellowship with Him created by our sin.

What might have happened had the parents of the little boy been able to forgive themselves for their part in the accident as well as forgiven each other for mistakes made? Might the cycle of tragedy built upon tragedy been avoided?

Hopefully none of us will ever know the agony of these parents, but all of us recognize the need of forgiveness. The need for God’s forgiveness for our sins resulted in the death on Calvary’s cross of His Son, Jesus. Yet, God forgives us when we turn in trusting faith to Him.

That forgiveness empowers us to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes, failures and wrongs. We do not have to live with the burden of guilt.  And we can forgive one another. The power to remove the barriers and obstacles to relationships is there. The power to prevent tragedy from building upon tragedy is there. It is called forgiveness.