Divorce is commonplace in the United States and in Alabama. So it follows that a number of the children who come through the doors of a church could potentially be working through the grief of a split family.
"If you’ve seen the pain of divorce through the eyes of a child, then you, too, must know how desperately our churches need to reach out to them — and in the most effective way," said Cindy Pitts, minister of children at First Baptist Church, Houston, Texas, and creator of KidShare, a support group ministry for children whose parents have divorced.
Rod Marshall, director of counseling for Alabama Baptist Children’s Homes & Family Ministries (ABCH), said that before churches can minister to children affected by divorce, they must first understand how the divorce process impacts children.
So how does it impact them? The answer depends on their stage of life, according to information released at a past "Children and the Church II" conference sponsored by national Woman’s Missionary Union:
– Infants are the most and least vulnerable.
– Two- to 4-year-old children tend to portray the greatest fear that they are to blame. They might experience regression in areas such as language, taking a bottle and being potty trained.
These children will idealize the absent parent and fail to appreciate the parent they live with. This tends to come from the fact that we take advantage of that which we find secure. The child also may fear that the absent parent may desert him or her if the child finds any fault with the parent. Stepsiblings seem to be another threat to the 5- to 8-year-old child.
– Five- to 8-year-old children
"Children of divorce miss the simplicity of a family structure and in exchange, they have the burden of understanding and coping with two worlds that are often opposite in nature. Their parents, who could not stay married to each other, have built two separate worlds between which the children must travel," Beth Bowman, minister of children at First Baptist Church, Brandon, Miss., wrote in an article for LifeWay Christian Resources.
Knowing that impact, what can churches do to minister to these children? Bowman offers these tips:
– Provide mentors for the child whose non-custodial parent does not exercise his or her visitation rights.
"These children need to see godly men and women and develop friendships with them," Bowman wrote. "It could be as simple as a mentoring friendship at church or as involved as an ‘adopt-a-child’ program for single parents who need the extra modeling for their child." (For more ideas on how to do an "adopt-a-child" ministry, see story, this page.)
– Provide books or other resources for children when their parents divorce.
"Do not be afraid to help the children by giving them a resource that can help their hurt and confusion," Bowman said.
A book she suggests is "With My Mom, With My Dad: A Book About Divorce" by Maribeth Boelts, which is available by visiting www.theala
bamabaptist.org and clicking the LifeWay link.
Pitts’ KidShare books are also available through this link and offer resources for leading a share group for children whose parents have divorced.
– Get to know parents, stepparents and all family members.
"The child needs to see his church family embracing and knowing the parent who does not attend your church," Bowman noted. "As we minister to children and their families, we need to recognize the child’s complete family."
– Make every effort to send written communication to both parents.
"Send out extra communication pieces to both homes or send two flyers home with the child to give one to the non-custodial parent," she wrote.
Even consider sending two copies of any Bible study book used, so that the child can have a copy at both homes, she added. "The benefit of knowing the child has his book at both homes far outweighs the cost of providing another copy."
– Keep a list of licensed professional counselors and offer the list to all parents in your ministry who are going through this difficult situation.
A list of counselors across the state affiliated with ABCH is available online at www.abchome.org or by calling 1-888-720-8805.
Through all of these helps, Bowman said, "we can be a part of God’s plan for ministering to His children of divorce." (TAB)
– Nine- to 12-year-old children see the world in absolutes with no shades of gray. They may be angry at their parents for not working the marriage out. They also may be easily pulled into alliances. seem to experience much sadness. They may live with a fantasy of the parents reuniting. This age group feels as if they are being divorced from and cannot understand that the parents feel pain also.
They are most vulnerable due to complete dependence on parents and an inability to understand possible mood swings that parents may have. They are also very sensitive to changes in daily routines. The infants’ sense of trust may be threatened.
But at the same time, they are least vulnerable because they have spent the least amount of time witnessing marital conflicts.
Share with others: