Hal (not his real name) was the pastor of a large church in another state when he learned his wife was having an affair with a member of their church. Shocked and confused, he immediately met with the church staff and deacon chair and told them he needed to try to get his family back together. He would resign, take a leave of absence or comply with whatever the church felt was the right decision.
Over the next few weeks, a small group of men met with Hal, providing support for him as he worked to repair his marriage. Soon it became clear that his wife was not going to end the affair, so Hal and his family, including his wife, left the church and moved to Alabama.
“I came home very angry — with her and with God,” Hal said. “I knew God didn’t cause my marriage problems, but I certainly thought there were things He could have done to prevent them.”
Hal’s attitude toward ministry wasn’t much different.
“My attitude was basically, ‘God, if you can’t do any better than this, then don’t expect me to try to minister and be a pastor.’”
As time passed, however, Hal and his family got involved in a local church, and he began to do occasional supply preaching. During that time, he said God reminded him that His call on Hal’s life had not changed, and soon Hal was called as pastor of a church.
The week before Hal was to begin his new pastorate, his wife revealed that she had been unfaithful again. Though she apologized and promised to end the affair, it soon became clear that that was not the case.
Once again, Hal found himself going to the deacons and explaining his family’s situation. Once again, he told them he would do whatever the church felt was right. The church supported the family and affirmed that God had called Hal to be its pastor, regardless of his wife’s actions.
When a third affair began, however, the situation was different. Hal knew he and his children had suffered enough as a result of his wife’s infidelities. He addressed his congregation during a morning worship service.
“I believed God might work a miracle and put my marriage back together, but that is not going to happen,” he said that Sunday morning. “In a matter of a few weeks, your pastor will be divorced.”
What he received from the church was an outpouring of love and support.
“I had been faithful and tried to be the kind of husband and father I needed to be,” Hal said. “The church had seen that and handled the situation about as well as it could be handled.”
Now remarried, Hal appreciates the grace extended by his church family and the opportunity to continue his pastoral ministry. He also knows other churches might be led to make different decisions regarding a pastor who is divorced.
“The church has got to find the balance between being godly and being gracious,” he said. “The church has got to be redemptive, while at the same time, maintaining a standard of discipline.”
And while divorce will always be part of Hal’s past, his experience allows him to minister to others in a way not every pastor can fully understand.
“I certainly bring things to the situation that some of my fellow pastors don’t have a clue about,” he said.
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