The most shocking story Barney Self ever heard was that of a family thrown out of the church parsonage on Christmas Eve. But as LeaderCare counselor in the pastoral ministries area for LifeWay Christian Resources, Self heard many other sad stories as well.
“I have heard heart-wrenching stories of how churches have treated pastors with utter disregard after years and years of hospital visits, weddings, funerals and service. It’s hard to comprehend how Christians can treat other Christians in such a callous manner,” he said.
Self, a licensed marriage and family therapist now in private practice in Nashville, said he believes it is vital for the church to take responsibility to help the minister and his family in times of marital crisis.
“The church needs to take into account that it has played a role in the demands they place on ministers and their families,” he said. “The church has got to be able to handle these situations in a pattern of grace that is thoughtful and careful rather than reactive and hurtful.”
Sometimes such an approach is harder when sins of a sexual nature are involved than when the sin involves legal or financial troubles, said Jim Jackson, director of missions for Elmore Baptist Association.
“We’re all sinners,” Jackson said. “Even if the pastor decides to leave or the church asks him to leave, the church should be there to minister to him and his family.”
Bryce Cox, pastor of Redland Baptist Church, Wetumpka, in Elmore Association, said he experienced grace when his wife filed for divorce more than a decade ago. Cox said his church was “awesome” to him and his family when his marriage fell apart.
Though he immediately resigned from his position as minister of education, his church provided three months’ salary to help with the transition. He worked as an auto salesman for six months but felt miserable the whole time.
“As a pastor, our training and gifts are not in the secular world,” said Cox, who left his sales job to serve as an education and youth minister at another church.
He admitted that the first few years after his divorce were financially challenging.
“My ability to provide, even to pay child support and take care of myself, was limited,” he said. “God’s providence got me through.”
Another Alabama Baptist pastor, Hal (not his real name), who resigned from his pastorate because of his wife’s infidelity, found it difficult to provide for his
family in the wake of his resignation from a full-time senior pastor position at a large church out of state.
“I began supply preaching because I needed the money,” he said. “Most ministers can’t just walk out the door and get a comparable job with pay and benefits.”
Hal believes churches should have a personnel manual that addresses how they will provide for a minister in situations that require a leave of absence, resignation or termination.
The Alabama Baptist State Board of Missions (SBOM) provides some emergency financial assistance to aid pastors and their families who are struggling but the resources are inadequate, said Dale Huff, director of the office of LeaderCare and church administration for the SBOM.
Self added that compassion and assistance to the pastor are a responsibility but so is ministry to the children, who often are hurt the most by divorce.
“Children will get an absolutely bitter attitude toward church, especially older children who know what’s going on,” Self said. “The damage that’s done to the families of ministers in those moments is often not accounted for.”
An approach that focuses on grace rather than law can make a big difference in the final outcome for the family involved.
“The pastor may no longer be pastor, but when grace is exercised, people are cared for and valued,” Self said. “The church is healthier because of it, the minister’s family is healthier because of it and the Kingdom benefits.”
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