All Fathers Have the Same Resource

All Fathers Have the Same Resource

On its face, the title of this column appears mistaken. Fathers are not the same.  They do not have the same abilities. They do not have the same income. They do not have the same networks of support. It is ludicrous, some would contend, to write that all fathers have the same resource.

Yet when one looks at the most important resource a father has, all have the same amount. I am talking about time — time to share with a child, time to know a child and time to be known by a child. Every father has the same 24 hours in a day. The only question is how the time will be used.

Judging by most studies, fathers are not investing in a lot of time with their children. One study found that the average length of time a child spent alone with his or her father was seven and a half minutes a week.

Perhaps the major reason for this tragic development is that most men see their primary role as provider. Many fathers argue, “My job is to earn a living. My wife’s job is to raise the children.” Certainly providing for the physical well-being of one’s family must be a priority of every father. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 5:8, “If any one does not provide for his own … he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

There is no escaping the biblical injunction that the husband and father should provide for the physical necessities of his family. Obviously the quality of the “physical necessities” provided will vary from family to family because the financial resources of families are not the same. But it is not the size of the house, the brand of the clothes or the cut of the meat on the dinner table that children remember about their fathers.

What is remembered is the relationship the child experiences with the father. Was the father a “Mr. Money Bags?” Did he see himself and did the child see him as a source of “things?” Was the main bond between father and child a checkbook, a substitute for a personal relationship?

Was the father a “Mr. Outta Here,” whose absence was the usual method of operation? Absence might be caused by prolonged periods of work. It might be caused by the father being absorbed in his own pleasures — anything from a time-consuming hobby to simple escape in front of a TV set. The result is the same in all cases. The father is not involved in the life of his child.

A group of young children were asked what it meant to be a good daddy. They answered with such things as catch a fish, build a fire, fly a kite, catch a butterfly, plant a flower and get a kitty cat out of the mud. To an adult, none of the answers seems very important.  To the child, each is a lifelong memory.

Children want a father who knows them as individuals. A father should know how God has gifted his child. Too often fathers mark a path for their child to follow without regard to how God has created that unique human being. What are the child’s ambitions? How is he or she different from others in the family? Where is the current source of pain in the child’s growing up experience? Learning such secrets means having a genuine relationship. That means involvement in the child’s life — and that means investing time in the primary role of husband and father.

It is a perverted altar on which a man sacrifices his relationship with his wife and children for the sake of a job, a ministry, a hobby or anything else.

Being an involved father has been called the “most socially consequential family trend of our generation.” When one looks at the results of absentee fathers, the reason for that conclusion is simple. Consider that fatherless children are twice as likely to dropout of high school; fatherless children fail in school at higher rates, not because they are intellectually or physically impaired but because they are emotionally incapacitated; fatherless daughters are 111 percent more likely to have children as teenagers; fatherless sons are 300 percent more likely to be incarcerated in state juvenile institutions; 63 percent of youth suicides are from fatherless homes; and 90 percent of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.

The frightening social consequences of growing up in a fatherless home go on and on.

By far the most valuable thing a father can give a child is a loving relationship and that takes time. Of that valuable resource, every father has the same amount. The difference is how one uses this precious resource.

Remember it is never too late to do what is right. Fathers, and mothers, invest your time in your children.