Am I needed anymore?
Life has a way of taking unexpected turns, as Camille knows all too well. Her husband died last year, leaving her a widow at 59. Now another major transition is coming — retirement.
She doesn’t have to stop working but she really would like a change — something that makes her feel like she’s making a difference.
With her children grown and living in other states, Camille hopes to visit them more often.
But what will she do with the rest of her time? Does anyone really need her anymore?
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Walking closely with God will lessen anxiety of getting older
By Ross Hickman, MA, LPC-S
Pathways Professional Counseling
Whether we’re age 8 or 80, every day is a new opportunity for believers in Christ to know Him more and learn more about our Savior.
Proverbs 16:31 tells us, “Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness.” However, growing old is often equated with gradually becoming less useful. That is one reason we are constantly bombarded with advertising focused on staying young and continuing a youthful lifestyle well into our senior years.
Despair vs. integrity
Erik Erikson, who pioneered work on psychosocial stages of human development, suggested that mature adults over age 65 struggle with the conflict of despair versus integrity. Erikson explained that senior adults begin to weigh their own mortality and reflect on their lives with either the knowledge of a life well lived or regret and despair over years misspent.
A major factor in finishing life with a healthy self-image is preparing for and accepting the final stage of life.
Typically, life’s struggles accelerate planning for the future. Most of us are not aware we are aging until retirement, failing health or the death of a spouse forces us into that self-realization. For most believers, preparation for aging can begin with simply continuing and renewing fellowship with our Creator.
Many who feel lost during this time have simply come to the realization that their identity was completely wrapped up in a vocation, human relationship or other worldly pursuit that became the priority instead of keeping their walk with Christ at the forefront. The beneficence of our Heavenly Father is that He is ready to continue loving us or is ready to love us for the first time, regardless of our past choices or circumstances.
Refocusing on our faith-walk is a key to having integrity as we age here on earth. Those who are becoming senior adults also need to embrace what God has in store for them in this new chapter in their lives. Acts 20:24 tells us that our lives are not a value for ourselves but instead our value is shown when we testify to the gospel of the grace of God.
Skills or abilities might diminish in one area but that does not mean that God is done with us. We are all made to actively further the Kingdom until we are called to our heavenly home, as there is no mention in the Bible about retirement from sowing and harvesting the gospel.
Realizing that human bodies and minds slow down and do not perform as they once did is another key to finding peace in later years. We are living in a sinful world and our earthly bodies have a shelf life. Accepting this fact and allowing for changes to be made in lifestyle are important to both mental and emotional well-being. Full acceptance also means accepting assistance from those around you without bitterness.
Addressing pride
Pride and/or conceit can become a major factor to deter the peace of this season and must be addressed in the aging process. It can be pride of wealth, vanity or self-righteousness. It is common for a person who has helped others throughout their adult life to find it difficult to accept help. The Bible makes it clear though that the Lord hates pride (Prov. 8:13).
Additionally, many aging adults can feel helpless or vulnerable when decision making and autonomy are lost or taken from them. These factors will elicit various feelings, many of which may be negative.
Change is inevitable as aging occurs, so these feelings are expected and normal. Getting older is a part of this life and a humbling experience. Walking closely with the Almighty, however, and keeping proper perspectives will lessen the anxiety of this new season in life.
EDITOR’S NOTE — Ross Hickman is a licensed professional counselor and serves as president of Pathways Professional Counseling, headquartered in Birmingham.
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Showing Christlike love, support for loved ones makes aging well easier
By Ross Hickman, MA, LPC-S
Pathways Professional Counseling
What does it look like to finish life strong? Preparing for and accepting the final stage of life is part of the answer, but another major factor involves the love and support of those around us.
Family, friends and caregivers can make the transitions of life much smoother and easier.
As Christ-followers, we are responsible for taking care of our families, specifically the elderly and the young. God tells us many times in Scripture to take special care and protect both age groups (see Ex. 22:22 and Deut. 27:19).
Jesus reiterates this pattern in Matthew 23:14, when He chastises those who would foreclose on widows’ homes. James 1:27 states that true worship of God is found in taking care of widows and orphans.
Honor your parents
Paul refocuses these directives in Ephesians 6, when he reiterates the fifth commandment, to honor our parents. This commandment also comes with a promise that we will have a full and long life if we commit to truly honoring our parents.
But our commitment does not stop at age 12, age 18 or age 80. Those truly committed to this commandment will honor their parents by applying their wisdom and guidance and, when the time comes, by taking care of them without reservation.
One aspect of this care is preparation in which the child and parent discuss aging and all the possible scenarios that could arise. Many times, these situations are not ones we prepare for and come as a surprise to both parties. An adult child would be wise to consult both spiritual and family leaders during this time and should strive to look at the situation from the parent’s perspective.
Respect and honor should be the guiding principles in these conversations between aging parents and adult children, with the children taking on a humble, servant attitude toward their parents. Common topics of discussion should include living arrangements, transportation, finances, daily activities and safety concerns.
The senior adult(s) should be able to voice all their concerns and be truly heard. These discussions should be open-ended and not closed after the initial conversation.
Although very difficult and sometimes painful, these discussions need to include estate and funeral planning as well. It is crucial for both parties that the discussion is understood as a planning meeting for the next stage in life. Be careful not to be dismissive of any feelings or thoughts. Be open-minded and avoid patronizing statements.
The earlier this dialogue is initiated the better the outcome, especially if dealing with forms of dementia or other progressive cognitive impairment. A worst-case scenario would be the adult child making decisions without consulting anyone, including the parent(s). In that case, the parent will feel no ownership in the process and feel belittled and disrespected. The parent needs to know the adult child has their best interests in mind, as many times they are apprehensive, nervous or scared going into this major transition in their lives.
The caveat to the discussion aspect is the parent will not always agree with what must be done and could become angry with a decision that limits their autonomy or control. This situation needs to be handled with grace, showing the parent honor and respect.
When it comes to taking care of others, we read in 1 Timothy 5 about how we are to take care of the aging, immediate family first, then extended family and friends, and finally those in need in our community. This care can be something as small as assisting an older friend on a trip to the grocery store or as consuming as daily care for an elderly parent.
Honor and respect
The key to assistance is honor and respect. I’ve heard many senior adults say they are treated like children once they need assistance, as if they were a nuisance or a daily chore that must be completed.
It also is imperative that seniors be informed of what is happening throughout their family. Whether far away or next door, senior adults usually desire and enjoy frequent updates and communication. As believers we spend a lot of hours studying to emulate Christ in our own lives yet we sometimes neglect to care the most for those we love the most, often giving more of our free time to strangers.
It would benefit us all to be more mindful of how we take care of the senior adults in our lives and reach out to show them the kind of love and care we ourselves would want to receive.
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Tips for adult children
- Pray and seek God’s will for the next stage in your parent’s life and ask for discernment and wisdom during the upcoming transition.
- Treat the older generation with honor and respect, especially those closest to you.
- Be prepared to discuss the difficult subjects like safety concerns (i.e., when to stop driving), financial situations and funeral arrangements.
- Extend grace and patience with your parent(s), as they can be experiencing anger, frustration and fear when faced with the aging process.
- Show your aging parents that you are invested in their well-being and be ready to extend love and care for them in the ways they need, not the ways most convenient for you.
- Know that God is a much bigger and better caregiver than you, so lean on His wisdom and providence. (Ross Hickman)
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Tips for senior adults
- Pray and seek God’s will for the next stage in life and ask for discernment and wisdom during the upcoming transition.
- Start open dialogues with your spouse, adult children and/or trusted family members and friends about your plans. If you don’t have any plans, start formulating them soon.
- Create a living will through a trusted service, like PhilanthroCorp (for more information, contact The Baptist Foundation of Alabama at 334-394-2000).
- Be open and ready for change and adjustment.
- Share your opinions with those you trust but do not readily share sensitive information (i.e., financial, emotional) with unfamiliar outside sources.
- Be mindful that your grown children have responsibilities of their own so be patient with them.
- Keep in mind this is simply a transition to a new chapter and not an ending. (Ross Hickman)
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How to move from independence to total dependence on God
By Kathy Steele, Ph.D., MFT, LPC
New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary
Across the centuries humans have struggled with the natural losses that come as a part of the aging process. Many losses are experienced as individuals age — loss of family and friends, loss of career, loss of familiar surroundings and even physical losses like sight, hearing or mobility. But research studies from around the world suggest that the greatest fear shared by most adults is the loss of independence.
For senior adults, the understanding of this concept is very personal. Biblical teachings apply to all types of loss of independence and give Christian senior adults hope even in the midst of this loss.
The Bible clarifies at least three reasons we might struggle with and fear the loss of independence:
First, independence is part of our sin nature — our desire to be in control of our own life. But we were created for His purposes, not our own: “All things have been created through Him and for Him” (Col. 1:16b).
Second, to be independent supports our belief that we should be productive. One of the most common lies we believe is that we must be productive to have value. Our value does not come from what we do but rather from God who created us.
It has often been said that God created us to be “human beings, not human doings.” Romans 5:8 reminds us, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
God’s love for us has never been dependent on our productivity.
Third. the loss of independence is usually interpreted to mean we are weak. None of us want to be weak, believing it is a negative condition. God tells us in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’”
An important question might be: “Does the loss of independence highlight how I have gloried in my own talents, abilities and identity, instead of glorying in God?” No matter how helpless we are or the degree of our inability to be “productive,” we can bring glory to God because:
- God’s grace, presence and help is available for us in all stages of life, including the loss of independence. “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you” (Isa. 46:4).
- God knows about our loss of independence and He is in control of the number of our days: “You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in Your book” (Ps. 139:16).
For God’s glory
- The entirety of our life is for His glory and the loss of independence can bring glory to Him. “Everything lives by His power, and everything is for His glory” (Rom. 11:36b).
In her book “A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain and God’s Sovereignty,” Joni Erickson, who was paralyzed at age 17, stated: “I may not be able to do a lot of things when I am suffering intense pain, but I can still breathe in His presence and exhale my thanks. I can still breathe in His grace and forgiveness and exhale my gratitude and love. I can still inhale His kindness and moment-by-moment help; I can still exhale acknowledgment that He is with me.”
Regardless of our age or abilities, we can glorify God and walk in His will, even when experiencing a loss of independence. The loss of independence may bring us to a fuller dependence on God.
EDITOR’S NOTE — Kathy Steele is professor of counseling and director of clinical training at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary.
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Practice 1 Thess. 5:16–18
No matter our life situation, we can practice Paul’s instructions given in 1 Thessalonians 5:16–18: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” What does this look like as we age?
- Rejoice always.
I can always rejoice in Him — no matter how I feel or where I am. What is the source of my joy? Is it my independence or is it God Himself? To have a personal relationship with the Creator of the Universe, the King of kings, and to be in His presence moment-by-moment is a source of tremendous joy.
- Pray continually.
Prayer is a work for God that I can do until my last breath. It is not dependent on my ability to speak, walk, see or hear.
- Give thanks in all circumstances.
Giving thanks is a choice of faith, affirming that I am choosing to trust God no matter what circumstances I encounter. I give thanks that God is sovereign — He is in control. God is not asking us to “feel” thankful but to give thanks as an act of will. (Kathy Steele)
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Retirees uniquely positioned to serve in missions at home, abroad
By Carrie Brown McWhorter
The Alabama Baptist
Most of us have finished the sentence “When I retire …” with thoughts of a goal or dream to be fulfilled once the pressures of the 9-to-5 work routine are over.
“The norm in American culture is to spend your working life looking forward to retirement,” Paul Akin, team leader for assessment and deployment at the International Mission Board (IMB), wrote in a recent article for Baptist Press.
“The cultural narrative explicitly and implicitly communicated is that if you work hard, day in and day out for more than 40 years, you’ll eventually attain perpetual seasons of rest, recreation and leisure.”
But what if the rest of the sentence “When I retire …” included the word “missions”?
America is in the middle of a retirement boom as members of the baby boomer generation, those born between 1946 and 1964, hit their 60s and transition from their working years to what comes next.
Research suggests that the average baby boomer is expected to live at least until age 84 — nearly 20 years past the typical age of retirement. The implications of this number are massive for the Christian community and that excites Akin.
There is an idea that once you turn 65, you can “clock out” and spend the rest of your days playing golf, traveling the world and enjoying your grandkids, Akins says. It’s an appealing narrative but one that isn’t satisfying for a lot of retirees.
Some 700,000 Alabamians are age 65 and older, according to 2014 data published by AARP. That’s roughly 15 percent of the state’s population. These retirees are valuable to their churches and communities.
Education retirees
Consider just one segment of the retired population in Alabama — education retirees. In 2017 members of the Alabama Education Retirees Association (AERA), which has more than 25,000 members, reported 416,295.5 hours of community service. AARP estimates that a volunteer hour is worth $23.56 an hour, which means that these retirees alone contributed almost $10 million in time to their local communities.
“Alabama’s education retirees are for the most part busy folks,” said AERA president Teresa Noell, a member of Golden Springs Baptist Church, Anniston, in Calhoun Baptist Association.
Noell said AERA members volunteer in a variety of projects, including GED tutoring for adults, assisting English language learners, volunteering in school classrooms, working in clothes and food centers, going on missions trips in and out of the United States, and volunteering for all sorts of duties at churches, libraries and museums.
“We volunteer not just because we have time but also because we are interested and engaged in the people and the world around us,” she said. “Volunteer activities are also beneficial to the volunteers themselves, keeping us physically and mentally active and allowing us to use our many years of learning and experience to help others.”
Akin wants retirees from all professions to see the opportunities and possibilities the season of life called retirement offers. He says retirees possess critical characteristics that few people in the workforce have: an abundant amount of experience, wisdom, flexibility and to varying degrees financial stability.
“These qualities are critical and valuable assets. They enable retirees to continue contributing in a meaningful way to society and, more specifically, to the mission of God around the world,” Akin says. “In some cases, it may be that the work done after retirement is more fruitful and lasting than the work done prior to retirement during the so-called ‘prime’ years of their career.”
The Great Commission doesn’t have a retirement age, Akin says, and older adults have much to offer.
“Around the world, there is a great and urgent need for mature and seasoned disciples of Christ to join missionary teams and to inject wisdom and experience, and to model a Christ-honoring life in a cross-cultural context,” he writes.
And unlike their younger counterparts, older adults often have financial support from Social Security, pensions and retirement investments that allow them to live in Asia just as easily as they live in Alabama. That’s the message of IMB’s Global Cities Initiative, a missions effort that could expand with help from retirees.
“Retirees would be significant assets in discipling young team members, modeling the Christian life and using their specific gifts and skills to advance the mission in some of the most spiritually needy places on the planet,” Akins says.
Short-term options also abound. A quick search of trips for adults on two other missions websites, ShortTermMissions.com and Adventures in Missions (adventures.org), resulted in 1,000-plus trips for adults, more than half of which cost less than $1,000.
Utilizing retirees
In Alabama disaster relief teams and Campers on Mission are efforts that utilize a lot of retirees. Bill Foster, president of Alabama Campers on Mission and a retired pilot, believes retirees thrive when they find something they love that keeps them busy. Missions certainly fits that description.
“In terms of the Christian life and service, missions is an opportunity to give your life away for some worthwhile projects that minister to people, to reach out to hurting people and to spread the Kingdom of God,” Foster said. “If a person wants to do something more than sit down and vegetate, missions is a chance to look at God’s world and see where He can use you.”
That’s the message Akin also hopes will spread.
“As one generation steps into the retirement stage of life, may they embark on some of the most fruitful and productive work of their lives for the glory of God.”
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Helpful resources
- “Finishing Well: The Adventure of Life Beyond Halftime” by Bob Buford
- “Nearing Home: Life, Faith and Finishing Well” by Billy Graham
- “Courage for the Unknown Season: Navigating What’s Next with Confidence and Hope” by Jan Silvious
- “Finishing Our Course with Joy: Guidance from God for Engaging with Our Aging” by J.I. Packer
- “The Caregiving Season: Finding Grace to Honor Your Aging Parents” by Jane Daly
Compiled by Carrie Brown McWhorter
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For more information about Pathways Professional Counseling, visit www.pathwaysprofessional.org or call 1-866-991-6864.
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