A heartbreaking letter was recently written to advice columnist Ann Landers by a grieving father. He explained that 18 months earlier his 12-year-old son was shot and killed by his 17-year-old cousin while the two of them were watching television. The nephew said the gun discharged accidentally.
The man’s wife blamed him for allowing their son to spend time with his side of the family and shortly after the funeral divorced him. The matter was taken to trial and resulted in the nephew being sentenced to two years for involuntary manslaughter.
“He will be out next year,” the father said. “I cannot face the fact that he will be walking around free while my son is dead. I cannot forgive him, and the injustice eats as me every day,” he explained.
“Please, Ann, I am going out of my mind with hatred for this nephew, and I’m afraid of what I might do when he is released from prison. Do you have any words of comfort?” He signs himself as “A Lost Father in a Cold Climate.”
The door of suffering is wide and because it enters countless lives, many people have come to speak the language of heartbreak. Yet not all people who suffer become harsh, hostile and hard. “There can be poison in the cup of sorrow, but only if we put it there ourselves,” observed the writer Hannah Hurnard. Many who have suffered terribly have emerged better not bitter. Suffering did not consume them but refined them.
Because suffering comes in one form or another to all people, dealing with it is a vital life skill. Here are some ways of building the ability to bounce back from suffering:
–Choose your attitude carefully.
In the Bible we read these words: “I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life” (Deut. 30:19, NRSV). No matter how devastating the issue, no matter how disastrous the event, no matter how widespread the impact, no matter how much has been lost, what can never be taken away from any individual is the ability to choose a response. Select your attitude carefully. Rather than react quickly, try to respond in a more measured and methodical way. Ask yourself: Where do I go from here? What can I learn from this experience? How can I rebuild my life after this? Who can help me manage and deal with this?
You may not have control over the event that has been forced upon you, but you do have choices about how to deal with it and respond to it.
Consider the story of two sisters and the choices they made. The older of the two went to college and later graduated from law school. She is now in private practice, is happily married and the mother of two children. She has made a good marriage, is an exceptional mother and a fine attorney. Her younger sister barely got out of high school, showed no interest in college and has a history of alcohol and drug abuse. She has found it difficult to keep a job. When the older sister — the lawyer — is asked how she came to her place in life, she replies, “My father was an alcoholic who abused us children both physically and emotionally. I decided as a young girl that I would marry and create the family I never had.” On the other hand, when the younger sister is asked about her place in life, she replies: “My father was an alcoholic who abused us children both physically and emotionally. He never provided me with opportunities to make anything of myself.” Those two sisters clearly demonstrate the supremacy of our choices.
–Trust God with your daily life.
Here is good advice from writer C.S. Lewis: “Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.” If — in your daily life — you have had many difficulties and disappointments, don’t allow them to erode your trust in God. Be like the writers of the Psalms, who in spite of numerous sorrows and sufferings, continued to hope for the best from God.
Another who continues to encourage us to trust in God through the hard times of life is the prophet Isaiah who declares: “Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord God you have an everlasting rock” (Isa. 26:4 NRSV). “Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God” (Isa. 50:10 NIV).
–Add a touch of humor to life.
Of course, when faced with pains and problems, trials and troubles, it can be difficult to engage in humor. Yet, adding a comedic element can lighten a burden
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