Pastors are accustomed to prospective members asking about their personal beliefs and their church ministries. For Bryce Cox, those questions are often followed by another: “Can you tell us about your divorce?”
As an Alabama Baptist pastor whose first marriage ended in divorce 14 years ago, Cox, pastor of Redland Baptist Church, Wetumpka, in Elmore Baptist Association, knows he is in a minority.
“Nothing is pretty about divorce,” he said. “There’s a little notch in your life that’s been taken out that will never be replaced. There’s no bitterness for me in that statement. It’s just true.”
By most estimates, almost half of all marriages in the United States are expected to end in divorce. According to the Alabama Center for Health Statistics, a division of the Alabama Department of Public Health, more than 22,000 divorces were granted in Alabama in 2004, the last year for which statistics were available at press time. Projected 2005 statistics showed a similar number.
With those numbers, it is naïve to think pastors and their families are immune to the challenges faced by so many others.
“Divorce is a common reality within life in general and evangelical life in particular,” said Barney Self, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Nashville, who worked for many years as LeaderCare counselor in the pastoral ministries area for LifeWay Christian Resources. “The fact is that evangelicals divorce at a higher rate than other groups.”
Results of a 2005 study conducted by Ellison Research for LifeWay and published in the July/August 2005 edition of Facts & Trends magazine highlighted some of the concerns faced by pastors and their families. The study, which used a representative sample of 870 senior pastors, found that 12 percent of those pastors were divorced and remarried. Of those surveyed, 93 percent believed there is extra pressure associated with being married to a minister and 88 percent believed churchgoers often expect pastors’ families to be “better than” other people’s families. Six out of 10 ministers said the role of pastor leaves them without adequate time for their families. Only 18 percent said they spend a very healthy amount of time with their spouses.
While the majority of pastors surveyed rated their marriages as healthy, those who had been divorced rated the overall health of their family units lower than did other pastors. Pastors also were quick to point out the speck in the eyes of their fellow pastors. While pastors perceived their own families as healthy, the average minister said 23 percent of the other Protestant ministers he knows are having significant marital problems.
Self said he is not surprised by these numbers. “Ministry itself creates massive pressure on a marriage,” he said.Though pastors’ marriages fail for a host of reasons, Self said the most frequent cause is too much attention to the church family and not enough attention to the family at home.
“The pastor gets involved in caring for the congregation, and he does more and more for the congregation and doesn’t pay attention to his marriage and family,” he said. “His wife and children get pushed to the side, and the family gets pushed way down the priority list.”
Self said he believes that while any individual’s relationship with God has to be No. 1, the relationship between husband and wife supersedes ministry. Biblical examples support that, he said. “David and Eli are examples [of] how a relationship goes south when priority is not placed on the family.”
In some cases, he added the church is like a mistress and the pastor’s wife is competing with the church for the heart of her husband. Some wives can tolerate that, he explained, but others might find themselves dealing with depression and anger. “That anger is then used as a way to cast the final stone: ‘I’m out of here, and now you’re out of the ministry, too,’” Self said.
Dale Huff, director of the office of LeaderCare and church administration for the Alabama Baptist State Board of Missions (SBOM), said anecdotal evidence supports the truth of such a threat.
Few churches will consider a divorced man for a ministry position at all and it is rare for a church to consider a divorced man as senior pastor, he said.
When difficulties arise, the first hope is that the problems will be resolved before a divorce occurs. The SBOM provides support to pastors facing marital problems, including counseling subsidies to try to salvage the marriage, Huff said. If there is a divorce, then the SBOM helps with counseling for the couple and their children. The SBOM also provides emergency financial assistance to the family if there is a termination from a ministry position in connection with the divorce or marital problems. These resources are limited, however.
“This is a growing problem, and resources are not adequate to help,” Huff said. “There should be more compassionate care provided.”
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